First Day--kind of

Well, I'm starting again. In my weightloss journey I have said that a lot. I have struggled with my weight my entire life. I remember as a child of like 5 or 6 laying out suntaning with my neighbor's mom. We were both in bikinis, but as I looked at her I realized I needed to hold in my stomach to look like her. I have few childhood memories that are this vivid--why this one? This time seemed a little harder to start though, I'm not sure why. I first started with SparkPeople in October 2012 and was doing fine. I felt I was making progress. I was jump started to do something because I needed to have a surgery and the surgeon wanted me to lose weight. I did, -15 pounds in about 2 months. I was proud of myself. Then, the surgery came, which turned into two. Finally, I stepped on the scale again yesterday, knowing I would be scared of what I would see. No sugar coating it this time, it wasn't good. But I'm here. I'm starting and not stopping.

The last two days I have read two great articles/blogs that were obviously sent from above. The first one was yesterday's featured blog post by CLPURNELL. https://sparkpeo.hs.llnwd.net/e1/myp
age_public_journal_individ
ual.asp?blog_id=5233702 In it he talked about his journey. That the goal of life is to be happy. So, I started thinking, what would make me happy? I haven't come up with the answer yet, but I'm still looking. In my thinking it was hard to come up with things that made me happy and it hit me how unhappy I was. People look at me and I'm a kind person, I try not to complain, I do what I'm told... But no one knows me on the inside. This is going to have to be a huge part of my journey: What makes me happy? Because if I look at what I do for "fun" its eat. What do I look forward too? Going out to a nice restaurant, cooking something yummy, vegging out on the couch and snacking. But at the end of that rarely do I feel "good". So, I ask myself, is this really happy? I need to keep searching.

The second one was from Nancy Howard http://www.dailyspark.com/blog
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t_of_imperfection_how_i_am
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perfectionism . If you look at the mess that is sitting on my desk at this very moment I would probably never be pegged as a perfeccionist. I have known it for awhile! :) My perfeccionism comes in not trying something if I fear I won't get it right. I grew up never feeling good enough. You got an A-? Why not an A? You sang that song well, but did you hear that missed note? I'm not parent bashing here because much of the time those comments came from ME! Especially now as an adult, I'm very fearful of trying new things because of that fear of not doing it right. I could make a huge list of all the things I've avoided.

So, with all of this in mind, here I am. First day jitters. How will this all turn out? Time will tell. All I know is that I cannot quit. This time, the journey isn't ending, I'm going to make goals and work towards them. Whatever they are I probably won't be perfect at getting there! I'm going to make mistakes, but I'll work through them. So here it is, my start to finding my "happy" and fighting my perfeccionism--I'm going to do it here--in public--so you can see my flaws, but you're also going to see determination. www.sparkpeople.com/mypa
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al.asp?blog_id=5233702 www.dailyspark.com/blog.
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erfectionism