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Friend just busy or giving you the cold shoulder...

Friday, March 22, 2013

Question posed: Is your friend just busy or giving you the cold shoulder?

My last blog post about utilizing the serenity prayer with my mother got me thinking about another relationship (or lack thereof) which is frustrating me. I think the good ol' prayer should be applied for my current situation.

Here are the facts: For the past couple of months I've been making genuine efforts to re-connect with a male friend, N., from graduate school. Actually, I originally contacted him in January 2012 (we finished our graduate studies in May 2010) through Facebook, asking if he wanted to meet up for coffee and catch up. Understand that this is a platonic relationship -- we never dated, shared a drunken kiss, or flirted with each. It's true that I was originally attracted to him and I'm sure he got that vibe, but once I quickly learned he had a serious girlfriend I never acted on or voiced my feelings. I was happy enough for us to be platonic friends and that's how it was throughout the time we spent in the graduate program together. We weren't best buddies or anything, but I did consider him a friend since we occasionally worked out at the gym together, did study groups together, and exchanged gifts over the holidays.

Anyway, back to January 2012. I got in touch with him and we talked over the phone about making time to meet up for coffee, but our work schedules were in conflict, not to mention we were living in different cities at the time. So our tentative plans to catch up in person over coffee fizzled out and were forgotten by both that year... However, I made it a part of my New Year's resolutions in January 2013 to follow through and re-connect not only with N., but other "facebook friends" in which I haven't seen in person for years. I'm making good progress and have already had two coffee dates with two friends from high school.

I figured I could do the same with N. so I sent him a message on February 8, 2013, "Hey, you! Long time no see, again. Hard to believe it's already 2013. Are we still on for that cup of coffee? Drop me a line when you get a chance. Hope you and your family are well." N. took awhile to reply, but he responded on February 21st, "Hi! Good to hear from you. I'm working in Phoenix now at.... Let's get that coffee if you're ever downtown."

I responded the same day through Facebook to his message, "Hi N., Glad to hear you're enjoying your new work position. Let me know which days and times are good for you. I'm usually free after 7 pm during the week and my weekends are flexible."

It was approaching mid-March and he hadn't replied to my last message to set up a time to meet, so I sent him a follow-up email on March 13th, "Hi, N. Just following through to coordinate a tentative day and time to meet for coffee. Let me know what's convenient for you."

He responds later on March 15th, "
Hey, Thanks for following through. Do you ever make it downtown? My wife and I live out it is tough for me to make it the evenings. Let me know what works for you."

I responded the same day on March 15th, "Are weekdays during the evenings better for you then? Sure, I make it out to downtown Phoenix now and then. Weekends, though, are usually better for me and......isn't that far from where I live -- about 30 minutes. Want to meet sometime this weekend? Feel free to text or call me at xxxxxxxxx."

Well, today is March 22nd and he still hasn't contacted me. I thought, "Maybe he is waiting until I directly contact him through his cell phone..." But when I updated my cell phone contact list a few months ago, I didn't include his old number because I figured it was outdated.

It was probably overkill but I figured I could send him one last message on Facebook this morning, "Hi N., Hope this last week has treated you kindly. So what's your schedule like for the upcoming week? And what's the best number to reach you? Was rather hoping we can finally catch up over that cup of coffee before another year passes by ;) Take care."

I figured I made it clear I wasn't avoiding calling him, but that I didn't have his current cell phone number. So now that he has MY number and I requested HIS number, I've done everything on my part to make this darn coffee meet up happen. I promised myself I am not "following through" or checking in with him anymore -- the onus is on him now. I have no idea why he would act that he was interested in catching up in person when it appears he has no intention of doing so. I can't but help feel a bit rejected, as if I'm not even worth the time to meet up for coffee. And keep in mind we haven't seen each other in person for nearly 3 years. It's not as if I'm this stalker-ish friend who demands his attention all the time. Nor am I carrying a torch for him...his behavior seems so odd :(

Moral of the story: Judge people by their actions, NOT their words. emoticon
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Member Comments About This Blog Post
    I wouldn't take it personally. Sometimes people say they want to meet up and it just never happens. It's happened to me before, and it can be confusing/upsetting, but in the end it's really not worth the mental stress.

    Also, don't forget about the people that want to spend time with you!

    1854 days ago
    I say forget about him.
    1858 days ago
    I agree with Slimmer, don't take his lack of response personally. I know you're intentions are honorable. However, this wife might not consider them that way. Many wives do become suspicious as well as defensive when old friends contact their husbands out of the blue. So, if she reads his FB page regularly, she may be wondering why you're asking to meet for a coffee date when you live so far apart.

    As others said, he may have been interested in getting together and his wife might have convinced him that was a bad idea. You see this on Dr Phil all the time. The spouse feels threatened when old girlfriends try to re-connect. Even if you weren't romantically involved, the wife could still feel threatened.

    Here's something you might try if you really want to catch up. Ask his wife to join you at coffee. the situation might change if you invite them both out. This way it will seem like old friends catching up instead of something less savory. Once again, I know you're being honorable, but others might not think that way.

    1858 days ago
    It sounds like he respects his wife enough to not give her any reason to doubt his intentions. Some people aren't really worth the effort if you're the only one giving any effort toward a relationship. There are still a few "friends" that it's their turn to call me because I gave up on being the only one giving effort toward the relationship. One friend hasn't called me back in decades and I know she still has my current number.
    1859 days ago
    Most of my male friends dropped away once they were in a relationship. It's a rare girlfriend/wife that understands friendships
    with other women. Just saying, in my
    experience. Don't take it personally.
    1859 days ago
    DRKEYEZ820: Thank you for the feedback! Actually, I'm assuming he uses FB on a nearly daily basis since each time I sent him a message through FB, I am notified the day and time he read the message. For instance, this last message I sent was around 7:00 am this morning. I could see on my FB account that he read the message at 7:35 am today.

    You're right. It appears he's blowing me off, and thus best to disregard him as a friend. It still hurts, though, to feel dropped like that with no legitimate reason. C'est la vie, no? Thankfully, I have the serenity prayer to keep me sane.

    It's times like this that I rather wished I went into an animal-based practice opposed to having to deal with people all the time. Human emotions, interaction, society can be so confusing at times...

    1859 days ago
  • DRKEYEZ820
    Hmmmmmm that's a tough one. Idk, do u know how often he goes on FB in general? Maybe he hasn't gotten your msg? And if he has a gf or wife and family, then maybe hes trying to be sneaky about it? Maybe hes trying to respond when she is not around? I always feel like guys can be shady at times. I don't think he's "avoiding" you intentially, but something does sound "off"
    Hope it all works out for the best! Oh and just so u know if he he's blowing u off, hes not worth your friendship or time, and u deserve better!
    1859 days ago
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