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Roundhouse kicks to the face are fun but forgiveness is even better

Thursday, March 21, 2013

The good news is, my nasty break-up led me to get healthy. The bad news is, my nasty break-up led me to get healthy.

Taking on this challenge at a time in my life when I was confused, vulnerable and so lost gave me a focus, an outlet for my rage and something to boost my bruised ego. But it also forced me to unpack some emotional baggage I was hoping was lost on a transcontinental flight two decades ago. While I've literally been sweating it out at the gym, I've also been wading through a swamp of emotional bulls***. It's been so exhausting but was necessary because there was no way I was going to do all this hard work to see it all unravel with my emotional landmines. Dealing with a break-up and a lifetime of insecurities and fears is enough to send any person to the bridge for a nice, hundred-foot plunge.

For me, it sent me into a depression. It wasn't an immobilizing depression. I still got up, showered, went to work, socialized and otherwise participated in life. But I was only half there. Feelings of deep happiness or joy were rare. I didn't care for much. I felt a lot of sadness and there has been a lot of crying and self-loathing and don't even get me started on self-esteem. Some days I don't even know what that is.

I was starting to come out of it though. I could see happiness on the horizon.

Then I was betrayed about a month ago by a longtime friend I had started dating. The incident brought up everything that happened with my ex and made me feel like it had all gone down just a few weeks ago. It took me to a new level of misery I didn't know was possible and then I just seriously got sick of myself (I was the one who needed a punch in the face at this point.) I realized what was missing. The final step. I needed to forgive my ex to truly move forward and be happy.

And yesterday, I made a decision to do just that. I decided to forgive him and myself for everything. I'm going to let it go entirely. No more examining. No more what ifs. No more bad-mouthing him. I'm just going to release it all. My energy will now be spent on being happy instead of stewing in the ugliness of it all. Listen, I'm not a monk. I'm not of the "turn the other cheek" philosophy. There are some people who need a roundhouse kick to the face (Just kidding. I'm too short to roundhouse kick anyone.) I want to punch an S.O.B as much as the next person. And I believe that anger is absolutely necessary and proper when someone has done you wrong. I've blogged about this. Anger makes you want to punch someone instead of accidentally ending up back in bed with them. Anger can propel you forward when every fiber of your being is telling you not to move a damn inch. Anger can give you a backbone.

Forgiveness is just as powerful. It takes away control from the other person and puts it back with you. It says I'm not a victim. It says I give myself permission to stop being angry or hurt or depressed about this. Most of all, it lets you deposit all these negative feelings into the void and make room for better things. Forgiveness says I give you permission to be happy.

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Member Comments About This Blog Post
    It can be hard to get back up after something like that, but you are strong!
    2154 days ago
    This is what I needed to hear toady - forgiveness you have touched my heart today with your story, lesson learned - Thank -you Keep up the good work emoticon
    2154 days ago
    I needed to read that about forgiveness, because I have had some issues with family members that hurt me deeply. And it is hard to do that and move on. But, it does take away their power over your life even when they are not there! Mind over matter...then the heart will follow! Good for you! Sorry to hear a friend betrayed you- I had that happen years ago-it was so hard to deal with. She used to be my best friend and I haven't seen her now in years. So sad, but when someone does that to you, best they are out of your life. It was in my case!
    Hang in there! Just keep looking at that awesome blog you just wrote of what you have learned so far, if you get sidetracked again. emoticon
    2158 days ago
  • CANNIE50
    This is such a good blog. I love your comparison of the power of anger and the power of forgiveness. Anger can spur us to action, and forgiveness will set us free. Good for you for not allowing another person to dictate your life and well-being.
    2161 days ago
    To go with your pic, also getting pooped on( fertilizer) For growth into something beautiful.
    I love the way you channel the anger into something productive. I know in your emotional state this is hard to do. I've been in those situations also. I talk to myself a lot when things are going on,good or bad. I get angry sometimes and get it done. I had to substitute eating or thinking about other things as opposed to mindless eating and drinking too much alcohol.
    Forgivness during this time is a huge step for you.Releasing tension,stress and angry feeling will go a long way towards your overall well being. I wish you the best,Laneygirl.
    2161 days ago
    I had gotten to a point where I thought I was free. I wasn't aching from any of the things my ex left behind. It wasn't until I started to fall in love with Joe that all of those things came back up to the surface. It may be over for now. But be prepared to revisit some of those emotions when you face a "new" but similar situation.

    I'm soo glad you are laying some of those things down to rest. It's funny how it seems like when you lose physical weight you have to deal with old emotional weight too.
    2162 days ago
    Breakups are always hard. I'm glad to see that you're moving on. Your Spark Friends will be here for you.

    2162 days ago
    I thinks it's terrific that you have worked your way through the muck and found a way to view it positively. Getting healthier doesn't just mean what we do to our bodies, it includes what happenes to us mentally and emotionally. The synergy of our being.
    2162 days ago
  • JUSTME29
    If you're ready - then it is absolutely the right time for forgiveness.
    2162 days ago
  • CHARITY1973
    Ok, I've got wet eyes ;-). So profoundly true. I'm not there with my ex yet but I am getting some detachment and one day I hope to deposit it all into the void and move on 100%. I like that idea. And compared to the level of attachment I had to my anger at him (and fear of him) I am a box of fluffy ducks today. But not yet to genuine forgiveness.

    Good to see it's all possible and as you say the worst thing that happened is you took control and made your health a priority. What a tragic outcome ;-)

    2162 days ago
    Great blog! Turn it over to your higher power and move on. Remember, YOU are worth the effort! Good luck meeting new challenges and friends! emoticon emoticon emoticon
    2162 days ago
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