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Wednesday, March 20, 2013

I reset my page again last Sunday-hopefully for the last freakin' time. I had been inconsistent with my tracking, and 'forgetting', to track foods. The reality is that I didn't wan to see the totals of my intake values. On Sunday I made a commitment to myself to record everything I eat-ALL OF IT, no matter what the damage. If I'm going to eat it, I'm going to hold myself accountable and know the numbers. Over the last 3 days, my average intake has been about 4-5000 calories. Not a happy number, but on a good note, not as bad as my old binges that were upwards of about 9-10,000 calories or more per day. Once again, I let a perfect storm of circumstances get to me.
Firstly, it is finals week. While I didn't have any actual in-class finals, I had this huge research paper that I had to write. It required that I use a program called SPSS, and actually run tests to mathematically check my hypothesis. I had already been struggling in the class, and so the grade on this final paper determines whether or not I earn a B or a C. It's also quite possible that I'll get a D in the class if I did poorly enough. I have 68 points in the class total so far pre-final assignment score. There's a possibility of 100 points for the entire class. This final project is only worth 15 points, so I had to make sure that I can earn every single point possible. I'll be happy as long as I pass the damn class, but I hope with at least a C.
I also had to do another research based final for another one of my classes. I did a content analysis on the portrayal of bullying on cartoons. That wasn't as hard, but it was still time consuming, and I had to watch a bunch of stupid cartoons. Now that those are done, I do have to complete one more essay, and edit a paper that I got a B on. I'm going to do anything in my power to get the highest possible grades.
So, moving on from that, another factor in this crazy eating escapade was T.O.M. I remember eating a cupcake yesterday and saying to my fiance "The period wants it". I seriously feel so out of control during that time, but it's not that I can't control it. The factor that really makes it really seem uncontrollable is the fact that once you get going (eating I mean), it's so hard to stop. The food is addicting, and I know it's addicting, but at the time, I just don't care. I only want salt, fat and sugar and then I regret it afterwards. Thinking more into this, there are some other issues. Adam and my sleep schedule has been off. He has been having trouble sleeping. He will stay awake until about 6 or 7 in the morning, so he's literally sleeping until as late as four in the afternoon. From the time I wake up at around 10 to whenever he wakes up, I feel very lonely. I have been eating as a means to cope with it. I feel like I'm alone even though I know he's sleeping in the same house. I've been alone before. It's not like I don't know how to be alone, or appreciate my alone time, I just really hate being that out of sync. I know that there's a possibility that we might have different work schedules some day. It's happened before, and it's likely that it will happen again. But I think the fact that we live in a town where I don't have a car, nor do I have any friends to hang out with just makes it worse. I guess it just amplifies the emotions.

I read a quote the other day that really spoke to me: "The longer you wait for the future, the shorter it will be".
If I know I can do something now, why don't I just do it? Motivation is a great thing, but I truly do believe that there's an element of discipline involved. A lot of people don't like that mentality, but it's true. Another quote linked to that is "If you want something you've never had, you've got to do something you've never done." Yes, it's going to be uncomfortable. It's going to suck. It's hard. I keep reminding myself: There's a reason it's called a workout. It takes WORK. A lot of people prefer the 'easy out'. I am not going to be one of them.
I am doing really well food wise so far today. I might take a nap, then go to the gym, but if the only thing I do right today is stay within calorie range, then that's a success to me. I know I can do this. I deserve this, and I'm tired of pretending I don't.

My sisters and I are going to run a 5k in April. I'm so excited! Now I have an additional reason to train. I can still do the distance without much problem, so that's good. I'm glad to have a goal to work towards. My sisters aren't really runners, but I told them that when I visit we're going to start training-slowly. I'm excited now, and I have more motivation to keep going. Some day, I will run a marathon. My goal for the end of this summer is to be able to jog 10 miles nonstop. I can do it.
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Member Comments About This Blog Post
    I know what you mean about not wanting to see the damage. I try really hard to keep myself under control but occasionally I'll have a 3,000-4,000 day and I feel SO disappointed in myself.

    One of the ways I keep myself accountable and very committed to recording EVERYTHING no matter how bad the news might be in the end is to remember that fudging on my food tracking is pretty useless. No one else sees it, they can't judge me and if I don't tell myself the truth and I KNOW I'm not telling myself the truth - then I'm just wasting my time.

    I came here because I want to get myself under control. Lying to myself doesn't get me any closer to that goal - and in fact makes it harder to find my way.

    Let me be perfectly clear - THERE IS NO JUDGEMENT HERE. I know you're doing the best you can trying to find your way just like the rest of us. I just wanted to share my personal mindset as an option that might work for you.
    2194 days ago

    Comment edited on: 3/20/2013 7:19:05 PM
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