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My emotional Journey over the last few years

Wednesday, March 20, 2013

Just as a background to all of this, before I met Matt I was living with another bloke, he was a selfish person and spent all his time in a separate room playing Xbox or guitar. Even though we lived together for four years I would say only the first year was a reasonably happy one. During the last three years my relationship with food changed and I began to struggle with binging and laxatives or over exercising.

Fast forwarding to when I eventually plucked up the courage to leave him. I felt free and light and like my myself again. The binges became a thing of the past and so did my other issues surrounding food. Back in my teens I bordered on anorexia and I have always struggled with eating in front of others. I viewed eating as a sign of weakness and to allow other people to see me at that weak point was humiliating. However when I was with Matt things became different, for the first time ever I began to enjoy my food in company. We ate out but my weight remained stable. we even enjoyed indulgent treats together, like chocolate dipped strawberries. I felt like a normal person would with regards to food. Nothing has changed with me and Matt, well apart from marriage and a baby but you know what I mean, we are strong and happy together. But in the 6 years we've been together we have been through a lot together. A couple of years ago I got hit by a car when I was cycling (sorry if you've heard this bit before) After that I struggled with my weight and looking back some smaller binges began creeping in. But I had kidded myself that I didn't binge any more, I kept laxatives out of the house and exercised as normal. It was a hard time but 2 years later, after some therapy, I found myself feeling happy and carefree once again. The catch was I was pregnant, happily pregnant but I couldn't see if the weight would have naturally reduced at that point because my body was busy growing a baby.After having Amelia I lost all of my pregnancy weight and more I looked and felt great. But something has happened over this winter, and I'm struggling again. It's my mission to find out what is causing this problem to reoccur, but I am lost with where to start.

I am fundamentally happy, I love being a mum and a housewife. But taking cues off Amelia I think being stuck in the house it's easy to get stuck in a rut. I used to take her out in the pram every day but winter meant it was difficult to do that sometimes for weeks at a time. I live in Wales, we are famed for rain! I don't have the car during the day and I have been reluctant to go to places that cost too much because money's tight without me working. I have always wanted to be a stay at mum and as much as I am enjoying it I need more company, for Amelia too. I have been taking Amelia to bay swimming lesson which are expensive but we have decided to find the money for one more activity per week maybe baby music classes because she loves the piano. I'll take her to soft play more often too.

I have always thought I am a solitary person and like to be on my own a lot, but recently I am beginning to see that I actually like company a lot more than I thought. I also love to be outside more than inside, something I have alwasy known. I have the waterproofs and all the layers I need in winter and so does Amelia so there's no excuse really.

I also had a period of time, during this winter where I felt sad about losing my newborn. The feeling shocked me because I always thought I would struggle through the newborn phase and begin to enjoy being a mum when we got to the toddler phase. I knew that leaving behind the newborn phase wasn't a bad thing but I just didn't feel ready for it. Now Amelia is nearly one and I still feel sad that I'll never hold her in the crook of my arm again but I am loving watching her discover more about the world. I think these feelings had a lot to do with my eating patterns.

So the upshot is I don't really know exactly what the problem is but I am going to do what I can to take action and get back to feeling like me again, I am going to change my 'other goals' on Spark and track the following.

1) Get outside for 10 minutes per day regardless of the weather
2) Meet other mums
3) Have some baby free time every day (15 mins)

I am going to keep the following goals too

4) Eat 5 fruit/veg per day
5) don't snack mindlessly in the evening
6) Exercise for 10 mins per day minimum

Other plans include preplanning my meals the day before, hopefully preparing the meals too so I can just reheat them or take a salad out of the fridge. The other thing I want to avoid is not doing anything, this is difficult to explain becuase I don't want to be busy all the time either but I don't want to ever find myself bored. I have a baby to look after so that shouldn't be difficult but if I ever find myself watching her playing by herself for 10 minutes or while she sleeps, then I'll try to fill that time with something useful. It could be 10 minutes of housework, or 10 minutes of reading, all it needs to be is something to focus on and keeping myself occupied will keep the binge monster away.

I am also going to track my food until I feel these issues are gone completely and I feel like the strong old me again.

Anyway if you have go this far I am amazed this is probably the longest blog ever! And in the spirit of this blog, I'm off outside for today's ten minutes emoticon
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Member Comments About This Blog Post
    I don't know what to say - your blog was very moving - and I hear you x My son is 26 and left home only 4 months' ago - I am having to redefine myself as a single, older, woman now - with much love to you x
    1856 days ago
    I think that social/adult time is really important. I only became a stay at home mom when my youngest was 18 months old, but after six months of having little adult contact outside my husband, I was going crazy. I started a book club at my local library once a month, and I joined my first social network online (back when Myspace was a thing instead of facebook), and just that little bit of adult contact kept me sane and helped me to cope. I've made sure ever since to have plenty of adult interaction (both on and offline), and it really helps me to deal with being stuck at home all the time!!
    1860 days ago
    Its tough being alone at home during the day and being a mom. Looking forward to hearing how long you can streak with the 10 mins outdoors. I find the sunshine does a world of good for us all.

    Even the fresh air makes me sleep better.

    Best wishes for your journey and self-discovery.
    1860 days ago
    Your blog is full of struggle and courage and I can tell you are tackling this new transition with great strength--though of course I understand it doesn't feel like that all the time. I admire you and am smiling thinking of your getting outside!

    When my baby was small I found two other mothers who would "stroll" with me or meet at the baby park every day. When it was cold we walked in a shopping mall. It saved my sanity and of course there was the MOVING. Good luck to you. I think every phase of motherhood is worth savoring and I love kids at every age, but those early days when we are constantly on call I think are the hardest.
    1860 days ago
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