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Perspective is a healthy thing... and so are pictures.

Saturday, March 16, 2013

I should preface this entry with the fact that I enjoy and embrace the anonymity Spark People allows. I am a private person, hate the spotlight, and often feel anxiety at even the idea of feeling exposed. About a year and half ago I quit all social media because it left me feeling inadequate and, at times, pathetic. Not because I don't have friends, but because I was allowing that to be the only connection to friends. Even worse, I forbid my husband to tag me in photos and prided myself in the lack of updates I was providing. The idea of "cyber-stalking" in any way, shape, or form was just too much stress.

I recognize that those feelings are largely a result of my size and (lack of) self-worth.

Like many of you (or so I assume), I was in denial of my weight gain. It was easy to do so - I always took the pictures, instead of posing for them, I never bring a camera anywhere, scarves are a trend I've embraced (conveniently hiding neck bulges, double chins, AND excess cleavage), leggings don't have a waist band or any restriction, and tunics of any kind can mask all shape to a body. I styled myself to conceal and deny.

I thought I'd lose weight for my wedding and decided it was too cliche. I wanted to be who I always was and embraced those pictures (also the photographer was AWESOME). They were the first photos I wasn't ashamed of in a few years.

Then came our honeymoon. All the photos were action shots or my posing in a way that avoided the beginning of a double chin. We returned from our honeymoon and I weighed myself for the first time in years - I was 199 - and my thought was, "wow I pull this off well. I'm not overweight."

Guilt crept in a few months later and I weighed myself again. It read 212. I was shocked and ate myself into forgetting. I continued to do that until this past January. A few months prior I finally realized that what I thought were pant indentations on my stomach were stretch marks - big ugly ones - and what I thought was a sporadic chin pop, was in fact a full fledged double chin. I looked at the holiday pictures my mom sent me and realized I can't live in denial: as I got bigger, my self-worth got smaller.

So I joined SP with quite a bit of anonymity. I have been envious of those of you who can put everything out there - before pictures, progress pictures, what you're eating, what you're doing, your trackers, etc... And then I realized THAT'S accountability. How can I truly take pride in what I'm doing and why I'm doing it if I don't have some accountability outside of my over thinking - sometimes obsessive - mind?

I started by making my food tracker public about a month ago.
Last week I made my fitness tracker public too.

And now, after my first benchmark accomplishment, I'm trying to maintain perspective. I was proud of my accomplishment for less than 48 hours. That's when I realized that being vulnerable is part of improving my self worth. So I'm ready to post before pictures, so I can look on them as motivation, pride, and perspective. That I should be consistently impressed by my weight loss and not embarrassed by it.

So this is my first denial picture on vacation this summer:

I thought to myself, "this is a fluke." No way am I that big.

And then Thanksgiving rolled around and my mom sent me this one:

I realized baggy sweaters and scarves weren't doing me any favors and that drinking a bottle of wine only made me comfortable with smiling in pictures because Lord do I not remember feeling as happy as I look here.

I have lost 26 pounds in 2 1/2 months and that's something I need to remember all the time. Right now I don't have any pictures of me from the past two months (scary huh?), but I will pose for one soon and share that too. A healthy perspective will help led me to a much healthier life.
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Member Comments About This Blog Post
  • ALICIA214

    emoticon you have made some major decisions...keep up the good work...

    1894 days ago
    emoticon ,you made me smile, the bottle of wine part lol! I've often thought the same when I look at pictures.

    Congrats on your loss emoticon
    1894 days ago
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    Disclaimer: Weight loss results will vary from person to person. No individual result should be seen as a typical result of following the SparkPeople program.

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