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This blog is a real downer ... Sorry

Friday, March 15, 2013

Just got back from the trip to Las Vegas for the Nascar races there. Hubby is a fan of Dale Jr. I decided Danika was going to be my driver. I think it's AWESOME that she's out there holding her own in the boys club.

I took some great pics. I'll have to get them off my camera and onto a blog soon.

Anyhow, my fitness was right up there. I actually went running on two days. I went dancing one night. Tonnes of walking. I was getting well over 10,000 steps per day without really trying. Got just under 20,000 one day. Burning close to 3.500 calories a day! I was watching what I was eating, but I wasn't restricting myself to salads. We went to a fantastic Italian restaurant in the hotel - they served gluten free pasta. We went to a seafood buffet on our last night at the Rio. WOW!

I was able to eat gluten free the whole time. It was great.

When we got home, I got on the scale. And again this morning. I am so frustrated. I am back up to 238lbs.

I've been struggling with this weight re-gain for two years now. I get motivated. I give it hard for a week. Run 3-5 times that week. Track every bite of food. And see no loss. Get a little frustrated, but try to keep at it for at least one more week.

Eventually, I get frustrated, and take a day off. Then two. Then....

I feel so overwhelmed by it all.

Since re-gaining the weight, my health issues have come back. I've been in a lot of pain again. Breathing has become harder again. Allergies are so much more sensitive again.

I caught sight of myself the other day. I don't like what I saw. I can't pretend that I haven't regained this weight. Or that no one else can see it either. EVERYONE can see every pound. I guess I'm the only one who can't see it.

I start on track. I go out with intentions of giving it my all. Pushing myself. Then bit by bit I accept "good enough". And a week of "good enough"s gets me nothing on the scale. It all leads me to frustration and giving up.

I have a pile of clothing upstairs in the bedroom. Much of it is smaller sizes I used to fit. Today I've come to a decision. I am getting rid of most of it. I've decided that when and if I loose the weight again, I'll just go get new stuff. It's kind of like a reward for the hard work to get there. And the pile will no longer be hovering over my head waiting for me to get off my butt. It's just adding pressure to me. I'm already under enough pressure from all of this.

This weight. I want to get back under 200lbs. That's my goal weight. Anything under 200. I know it sounds high, but I'm over 6'1". I am not a tiny little person. Last time I lost this weight, I got down to 198lbs - size 9-10. I could not actually get much smaller - my hip bones limit just how small I will be able to wear jeans. I was not a walking skeleton, but I looked good. I had a picture of me at that weight in the New Years Eve dress I wore that year. It's not posted here on SP anymore.

I am frustrated with myself. I know what I need to do to get there. Eat fewer calories/Higher nutrition. Move more.

My nutrition is about 80%. I am gluten free, so it's actually hard for me to eat crap. That being said, I've been avoiding salads for the past year or so. I will eat them on occassion. Reality is, I should eat some every day - a couple of times a day actually. A good sized salad for lunch is ideal. And a starter salad with supper. That would be AWESOME.

I know I can find salad recipes that taste good. Every time I go into the freggie section in the grocery store, I just tend to cringe. I HATE it when I end up getting bitter or sour tasting lettuce. I just can't make myself eat that. Hubby gets so angry when I toss it. It's just so stressful.

I know all the catch phrases.

You won't do it until it becomes a priority.
You earn your body
It's hard work, but it's worth it.

So what is my problem? There's obviously got to be something going on.

I've signed up for my next half marathon. It's been almost 3 weeks since I signed up. I'm already proving to myself that signing up isn't enough to make me get it done anymore.

I know I'm struggling with depression. I have an appointment tomorrow afternoon for this.

I am stuck on the couch. And just stuffing whatever into my mouth for food.

This can not continue. The path I'm on will only lead to more and more weight gain.

I thought I was doing well in Vegas. I guess not.

I need to do something. I need to find a way to get my mojo back. Get some momentum to get back on track.

I think my first thing is to get rid of all those clothes in the spare room.

I would give it my all for a week. Salads for lunch every day. Eat for fuel, not padding. Train for my HM coming up. Really push. But then what? What if I don't see or feel the results after a week? I can only imagine what a blow that would be.

I'm scared. I'm scared I can't do this. I'm scared I'm not good enough. How am I going to get past this?
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Member Comments About This Blog Post
  • FIT4MEIN2013
    Don't worry about salads. I rarely eat them, or any freggies for that matter, and have still lost almost 90#. I do eat carrots almost daily and green beans pretty regularly. I focus on protein which keeps me satisfied and full. Potatoes are a regular (going to a baked potato dinner tonight). Take all the 'shouldas' out of your vocab and listen to your body. Relax and enjoy the ride. Let me know if there is any way that I can help you. emoticon
    1861 days ago
  • JUSTME29
    It's really hard to get past the scale. I know when I was a Curves member and new members would come in and have a gain the first week the Curves coach would tell them it was totally normal. That after a week of unaccustomed workouts a gain could be expected. I don't know if it's medically true, but I overheard the same conversation enough times that I'm inclined to believe it. As to the being afraid to try part, don't be. Even if you never lose another pound you'll feel better. Think about how much better you feel when you're eating right and exercising. I see it in your blogs so I know you feel it too. Even without the weight lose the mental improvement makes it all worthwhile.
    1861 days ago
  • DELA118
    I truly understand your frustration. The scale can be a demotivator especially when you feel like you're doing well. Last year, I reached my goal weight by weighing myself only once a month. I went by the way my body felt, clothes, and as long as I was eating on track, I didn't need to weigh myself. It worked for me, perhaps you can try spacing your weigh-ins farther apart. Although I've had a setback since then, I decided to give it another shot. I wish you the best,and I'm rooting for you all the way! emoticon
    1861 days ago
    So sorry for the frustration-- feeling like it of no use to try is really discouraging to you, I'm sure. Perhaps a chat with your doctor to rule out reasons beyond your control would be good?? After all, if it isn't something you are doing wrong, you could stop kicking yourself, right?

    Hang in there. We're all here for you!
    1861 days ago
  • HOLLYM48
    Sorry to read of your frustration but if you did it once, you know you can do it again. Is it easy- no way. I hope your dr can get you some help for the depression and I know exercising on a regular basis helps too.
    Best of luck to you. Keep on trying, just take it one step at a time, one day at a time.
    emoticon emoticon
    1861 days ago
    How are you going to get past this?!
    One day at a time, one step at a time, one small victory at a time. Continually reminding yourself that "feeling better" is your reason for getting healthier.
    You've done it before- You can do it again.
    The marathon is your 1st goal, just focus on getting in shape for your marathon.
    Watch what you eat, train for your marathon, and quit weighing yourself for awhile.
    Doing something for your depression is definitely a good first step in the right direction.
    1861 days ago
  • DARLY55
    HI Katrina, This weight loss thing is frustrating to us all at some point. I was at a plateau for three months until I decided to get serious again and finish the job. I started being religious about tracking my food again, I discovered I was eating too much to be losing weight. So since I have been tracking very carefully, every bite I eat, I have begun to drop weight again. So, are you tracking carefully - even the little bites here and there? If so, I don't know what to tell you, if not, give it a go- it may make a tremendous difference. What works for me is fresh food, no processed foods, mostly fruits and vegetables with a small amount of lean protein. Good luck finding your balance! emoticon
    1861 days ago
    It will take longer than a week so give yourself more time. Going to the doctor will help, too. He can give you some insights you probably hadn't thought about. Good luck to you. emoticon
    1861 days ago
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