Thursday, March 14, 2013
As I put away a basket of clothes last night, I thought about my closet. I have all sorts of little sections for different sizes (I also have all the clothes that actually fit now divided into sections, but this isn't supposed to be a post about OCD).
I have a pile of clothes that are too big on the top shelf. I have read toooooo many blogs about people who threw away all of their "big" clothes when they started losing weight and then gained it back and now nothing fits and they dread the thought of clothes shopping to throw my own away. I didn't "hate" the way I looked in those clothes and I didn't often feel "miserable" about my body (I just knew I was a little overweight and I needed to be more fit). If I gain the pounds back (which, statistically speaking, is a possibility not to be dismissed), I won't want to go shopping and spend money on clothes that I had at one point. I know that these worked for my body type and I have a little extra space, so I'm keeping them. I hope like hell that I won't ever have to take them down, but I am just too practical to throw them away. Which is actually a little silly in light of section number two.
Next up is my selection of clothes from ten years ago that I thought were too large then but I've been working hard for months to fit back into (funny how that always goes, eh?). Well, with a LOT of hard work, I actually fit back into some of those clothes! But, now that I'm able to actually get them on, I'm realizing how much my style has changed and popular style has changed and clothes that I looked so forward to wearing again are getting donated without ever seeing the light of day on me. (which is why it's funny that I think I will want to wear my bigger clothes some day again) The point is that they were goal clothes, "skinny" clothes, and I hit that marker. Now I actually enjoy shopping for smaller sizes in almost new clothes (I still mostly buy from Good Will and Arc, so not much is actually new, but I'm very selective and most people would never guess!)
On the floor of the closet in bags is that next set of goal clothes. One pair of size 6 pants (I don't think I have ever fit into size 6!) along with some clothes that my mom and friend gave me because they were sure that if I didn't already fit it them (by the way, I don't AT ALL), I would soon. While I have my doubts, I'm holding on to them in case.
Lastly, mostly in dresser drawers, are clothes that I love but are sadly (ha!) too big on me. I'm finding it hard to put these away because I really like some of my clothes and even though I'm getting a little smaller, I still dread standing in front of a mirror for the hours it takes me to shop and I really hate thinking of the money I would spend to replace all my favorites. And also, I'm hoping to drop another 10-15 pounds, so I shouldn't get anything I might get attached too (but then again, you never know when I'll hit another stall like Nov-Jan and have to wear it for the whole time!)
So, in a teeny tiny way, I think that clothing represents a little fear that I have (and I'm sure others have) of how life will change when one loses weight. Oh sure, there are a MILLION good reasons to lose and a MILLION awesome things/feelings that happen when you're healthy and fit, BUT there are lifestyle changes that need to be addressed too. I won't be able to have a crazy weekend of going all out with friends and family drinking and eating without thinking of the consequences (heck, right now even having alcoholic hot chocolate has me counting all the calories!) Maybe some day I'll actually enjoy moderation, but that day is not today. I won't be able to skip workouts for a week without freaking out about never getting back on the wagon, I worry more about what I look like now that I think people notice me more (how silly is that? they probably don't!).... I'm having a hard time adequately putting my weight loss fears into words right now because I haven't thought TOO much about it, but it is something I need to be aware of so I don't self-sabotage.