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Mixed Feelings

Monday, March 11, 2013

Usually I am feel incredibly proud to have lost around 185 pounds. I mean it took a lot of work. Thousands of fitness minutes were spent burning calories and shaping muscles. There were walks, runs, hikes, bike rides, yoga classes, spin classes, aerobic videos, weight training, hula hooping, and other various activities that were built into my life... and so much sweat and hard work went into losing weight. My diet was changed completely. Food that was killing me was swapped out for food that nourishes me and keeps me feeling good. It took some determination to make those changes at first. It took a fair amount of work to put myself back on track every time I swayed from the path. I changed the way I eat, and my whole relationship with food has been shaped into a more healthier relationship. I have looked for ways to burn calories like parking far from where I am going, taking my bike, jumping around with kids at work, and things like volunteering to be the one to walk all the way to the office to make copies. I worked hard and I should be proud... but sometimes I am not.

I am getting divorced, my choice because it's been bad a long time... and I've been going out more. Guys often show interest. I am sure if I sat in a room full of people, most people would have no clue that I was ever overweight. In fact, I think I look fairly healthy currently with some nice curves, a fairly flat stomach, and some muscle definition. So many people looked at me with an expression of disbelief, that I started to carry around pictures, so I can say "here this was me." Sometimes, when I talk to guys, I tell them about my big accomplishment, and often they seem impressed by it. One friend, told me that he loves that I made these changes and he finds me more attractive because of it. He knows I don't take things for granted, and that I have a new lease on life. He realizes I am full of energy, and that I worked hard. He knows that I am a determined person. This makes me more attractive. This feels good to hear. Yet, sometimes I feel shame that I was ever that big in the first place. Sometimes, when I am talking to someone, I will keep the information to myself as if it's some dark secret. As if, they will not like me because I was so heavy, or they will know that I wasn't in control of my life at one time, and that it will make me look less attractive or flawed. I need to get over that. I shouldn't feel ashamed of my journey because it does make up a lot of who I am. If someone doesn't like me because of it, then maybe they just don't like me for the right reasons. I was the fat girl, but that never defined me. I've always been so much more. My eating was a bit out of control at one time, but I am very much in control things now... and I am stronger because of it. I need to drop the shame because it has no place in life. Yes, I don't have to tell everyone everything, but I should be very proud of what I accomplished.

I am sure the woman on the left would be more preferable to date, than the one on the right, by most men's standards. They're both me. It's not just an outwardly change. The woman on the left is more energetic and more adventurous. She likes to dance, bike ride, hike...and smiles more than the the one on the right. But, if you found out that girl on the left, had the determination to shape herself into the person that she is today from the woman on the right... how does it change how she is viewed? This is where my mixed feelings are coming from. I am proud, but I know that there are judgements and biases in our society about weight, even after weight loss. I know the right people will see it as a positive thing, a strength in character, but others will see it as a weakness. So, sometimes I choose to keep it to myself, but I need to remind myself that I worked darn hard and I should be proud.
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Member Comments About This Blog Post
    I never let weight determine who I am. But I'm very proud of my accomplishment to lose all the extra kgs, so it usually slips out of my mouth during a conversation. I don't make it a big deal because I think most men don't like girls who talk about nutrition and stuff like this all the time.

    You look amazing! Well done!!!
    1896 days ago
    Great blog!!

    1897 days ago
    You are so beautiful.... I can understand your mixed feelings... and as always you are insightful with your introspection.. to me, losing 185lbs through self discipline and determination is up there with completing an Ironman!! Un-freaking-believable! We'd never think twice about someone bragging about an Ironman accomplishment.. we'd think it was odd if we'd met someone and in the midst of getting to know them they didn't tell us of that huge accomplishment.. the accomplishment being from going from out of shape to Ironman shape.. it's no different for you.. losing the weight was your Ironman journey.. and if someone shunned someone who'd done the Ironman because of how out of shape they were in the beginning, we would think that was odd.. well, me? I think it's odd if someone doesn't see the monumental accomplishment that you've made - so tell em to SUCK IT. (grin)
    1897 days ago
    You should feel very proud of everything you've accomplished. You've done something that is very tough and that many people want to do, but are often unable to accomplish. I also think that you're right about the bias against people who are heavy and I think it also carries over to a bias against people who used to be heavy. Putting images of yourself out there as someone who used to be overweight is a very brave thing to do, but it can, unfortunately, also lead to some criticism of the "how could you have let yourself get that way" variety.

    Continue to be proud of how far you've come and don't worry about the thoughts of people who have no idea just how hard and complicated weight management is. Celebrate your success and surround yourself with people who are loving and supportive.
    1897 days ago
    You are absolutely inspiring. That is such a huge accomplishment!!! What an awesome thing to be able to tell others and help others with in life. I hate to hear about your divorce and going through a hard time though. Just know you are beautiful, strong, and will make it through in one piece and the people who truly love and care about you will be right by your side. Keep your chin up and feel free to msg anytime if you need to talk. Sending best wishes and happy thoughts your way.

    1897 days ago
  • LWLAR7
    Your doing great
    1897 days ago
    emoticon emoticon emoticon
    1897 days ago
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