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I don't think I've been blog silent for a week in two or three years...

Sunday, March 10, 2013

but I just have been.

Some of my Spark buds were worried. I did comment on a few of your blogs and updated status... so some of y'all know I'd been under the weather. But it has been more than that. It's been fatigue, and discouragement, and fear, and many roiling emotions (grief among them), and just landing after having been so tightly wound for so long.

The problem with having decades of experience in the battle of the roller coaster pounds is that you remember the drops from the heights of success to abject failure... sometimes very rapid drops. It was the fear of that starting a couple of years back that got me started on my streak of near-daily blogging. If you have a fear of heights (as I do)... yep, this teetering on the brink (or slipping over, as I have several times since the first of the year) is scary.

Now let's mix in the illness side of things. The major fear that accompanies not too specific symptoms "at my age" is the most basic fear of all: mortality. Sprinkle in recent deaths of folks you care about or anniversaries of such deaths in your calendar with symptoms like "dizziness, fatigue" and the solid knowledge that you are within a few years of the age at which a parent passed... and you come up with a soup you just don't want to write about... even if you had the energy.

Yet, here I am, typing this. Sorry for the potential downer, folks. Yesterday would have been both my paternal grandmother's and my nephew's birthdays. Both are now gone from the plane. Reality is, one day I will be gone from it, too. So will you. We may not want to think about it, but our time in these bodies is "boxed".

The essential question is: what do we want the quality of that time to be like? I want to feel as good as I can for as long as I can. I know at this point in time (even if I don't always act like it) that it is the behavior: good solid nutrition, hydration, activity, stress management, and sleep... that support feeling good.

Now that I'm about back to feeling human, I have a few "to do" items for the week: schedule a chat with my doctor and get my thyroid levels checked again. Climb back on the nutrition wagon and apply some of that infamous "mental toughness" / "kindness" to helping me feel better. Add back in gentle amounts of activity, as I can handle them. Oh, and allow myself to cry over the loved ones who no longer share space on the planet.

Spark friends, thanks so much for being there, for being consistent, for accepting wherever each of us is on the journey... for knowing we're in this together is part of what keeps me going! emoticon
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Member Comments About This Blog Post
    1923 days ago
  • ANDI571
    Barb, your blogs always speaks to me and lets me know I am human with my feelings. I had melanoma skin cancer 26 years ago and have always been faithful in getting my checkups. Two years ago, my doctor retired three days before my checkup and they cancelled on me. I have yet to get a checkup. I know that fear you are talking about and have been feeling it myself, and the eating wrong has come right along with it. I searched my insurances in network dermatologists and made an appt with one this morning. The actually got me in tomorrow morning. Glad you made your appt too. We are worth the effort.
    1927 days ago
  • GABY1948
    So glad that yo are feeling nearly human again...praying this upward slant keeps on to the top of the mountain again.
    1927 days ago
    Glad you're feeling better now. You have a good plan for the week ahead of you. I know so well that our time is uncertain as in my job I deal with it a lot. Like you, I want to live it to the fullest while I have it. I work with senior citizens mostly, but also with younger people who are disabled and I've seen the full spectrum of again. I've seen those who are old and frail and sick at 50, or even younger. I've seen people in their 80's and 90's going strong, running races or competing in other activities that are active, and living life fully. That's how I want to be. We don't totally control that, but we do have a lot we can do to help us reach that goal. You are one who is doing everything you can to be as healthy as possible as long as possible. Great job!!
    1928 days ago
    emotions have such an effect on our well being.
    Peace be with you.
    Have a good week.
    1928 days ago
    Those klind of anniversaries are hard. Hope you are feeling better. HUGS!
    1928 days ago
    Oh I know what you mean. The waves of sadness can grip like the undercurrent of the ocean. If it weren't for the tough spots, perhaps the good times wouldn't be so relevant. When I watched my children grow, it fascinated me that the leaps in learning were followed by a few cranky days, sniffles and self pitying cries. Or before my babies could take a step, they experienced more accidents and tumbles as they stretched to take those first steps. The point is, you're thinking about it and what steps to take next. This is you taking care of yourself even now. Big Hugs.
    1928 days ago
    Sounds like life and your not in it alone!

    Grab some tissues, let it go and get on with it. You don't need to motivate up keep upbeat for me every day.

    I will still live vicariously through you for running...
    1928 days ago
  • _LINDA
    So very sorry for your losses and the feelings they are bombarding you with. I hope your feeling down and out of sorts is due to the thyroid and they quickly get some meds working for you (although I know from my sister-in-law sometimes it takes a while to get the dosing correct) We never know when our number will be up and its really better not to dwell on it. Better to take each day you are on Earth and wring every last minute out of it. A little known fact is that my disease can be fatal (it can affect the heart) and at the rate its been attacking me and the new places its getting in could be a warning sign. But I just live for the day and not concern myself with the future. Each day is now a battle to get out of bed and get at it. It just means I have to get on my travel plans before I get too incapacitated to go anywhere. Mom is impatient and not getting any younger. There is longevity on the female side of our family (all lived into their 90's)but no one has had RA either, I am a pioneer in my family with it.
    Just know I am here with you, sending soothing thoughts, comforting hugs and some of my legendary energy. Makes me sad to hear when my Spark friends are suffering..
    emoticon emoticon emoticon
    1928 days ago
  • KANOE10
    Yes, life is difficult and painful. I miss my loved ones also. I am with you about trying to
    make life as healthy as possible.

    Your words: I want to feel as good as I can...very true.

    Hugs to you. Take care of yourself. You are a wonderful person.
    1928 days ago
    A time to be born and a time to die. What matters is the dash in between.
    Continue to make the best of the dash.
    1928 days ago
    emoticon emoticon

    (There isn't a "keep on typing" emoticon. LOL)


    Hang in there!
    1928 days ago
    Oh, Barb, I've missed your blogs even after I knew you were still around and recovering. Do appreciate the comments on my blogs -- as always, astute. Glad you are going to check on your thyroid. Hope you are feeling great by now!

    Mortal?? Who me?? Yeah, I am. We are. No, I don't usually like to think about it, but I guess I am thinking about it more and more. I notice in my dad's writings (he's been gone since 2003) that in his last years he thought about it a lot, but not all sad or scared; a lot of acceptance and even willingness and some curiosity about when the time would come. Yes, I miss him and think of him every day. But not with sadness, at least not much. Life well lived. What an accomplishment: life well lived. That I could be more like him!!

    1928 days ago
    Sorry for your illness and discouragement and worry. Thanks as always for your candour and willingness to be vulnerable. We're all so happy to have you back among us. Please get all the help you need to move forward. You'll catch up with joy and confidence again, just when you least expect it.
    1928 days ago
    The thing that helps me most when I'm sad and missing my dad, is to remember the promise that we'll be together again. I know many people don't share that belief, but it gives me comfort to know the purpose of our life here, and that death isn't the end of love and family.

    Hugs to you, Barb, and thanks for sharing something so personal with all of your Spark friends. emoticon
    1928 days ago
    I have also been there with the memories of lost loved ones, and it is hard sometimes to remember to keep moving forward because of the pain that we hold in. We have the right to let them out once in a while. I hope you feel better soon and that your Dr. will be able to help you get the right diagnosis. Hugs and prayers sent your way.
    1928 days ago
    This past week, a funeral for a young mom (daughter of a dear friend) and a reminder of the anniversary of the death of my brother's young son also put me through similar trains of thought. Hills and valleys are a part of life. They become easier to travel with supportive friends and family. Sounds like you are ready to take hold again and move forward. Wish you healing and peace.
    1928 days ago
    Whats everybody got thyroid stuff going on?? They changed mine a few months back. Its a new color (kinda blue) and since then I feel different.
    I'm on 75mg whats the standard??
    Hummm Thanks for sharing.
    1928 days ago
    I hear ya! No words of wisdom, just that and a hand to help you back up again. Your okay. You are! Just brush off your pants,chin up and start walking again holding todays gift(today).
    1928 days ago
    Oh Barb!! I didn't know that you have thyroid disease--Me too----!!! I know when it goes out of whack, it takes me months to recognize it---Best to get it checked---And I feel bad about your ""down-ness""---- That must be difficult to shake----I too, tho, have funny feelings about ""mortality""----but--there is nothing we can change--and besides, I will be "'there"" before you--so--I'll welcome you with a big hug--LOL-----We can't change it Barb-----I don't talk about this to many people, but before I had the thyroid diagnosed, I had a very near death experience-----I didn't want to come back--I remember that much about it--but I was told I had to-----I was diagnosed within a few days of that---Crazy stuff which I don't understand----I do look up to yu so much---so-----you must look ""up"" too--LOL--Love yu girl--Keep on trucking here!-Lynda
    1928 days ago
    Sorry you've had a rough time of it. I can tell you, as one with thyroid issues (hypo), it is difficult! I can tell you, when my thyroid is out of whack, it can lead to feeling down, and then you add into the mix all the losses your remembering or experiencing . . . not a happy thing! Definitely get your thyroid checked out!

    HUGS and glad you're back, my dear. You were missed!

    1928 days ago
    Glad you are back. I believe we need times of introspection, even if painful, to maintain balance and perspective. Even so, I find I dislike being alone with my own thoughts when squashed down pain bubbles to the surface. Thanks for writing today so I know I'm not alone.
    1928 days ago
  • DALID414
    I missed your blogs, but knew you'd be back at it once the smoke cleared. emoticon emoticon
    1928 days ago
    I understand those feeling about your mortality. My father died at 66 and at some level I link that to my own expiration date. When I was morbidly obese I thought about it a lot more than I do now but I can't completely free myself of that shadow.

    I'm glad you're getting better and sorry for the losses you speak of.

    1928 days ago
    Hoping tomorrow goes even better than today!
    1928 days ago
    1928 days ago
    Sometimes an illness forces us to slow down and experience all the thoughts and emotions we push aside with our busy lives. It's beneficial to be silent at times and just be. emoticon
    1928 days ago
    It's breathtakingly painful when you re-experience a loss that you thought you were long over. I re-experienced the loss of an infant nephew a few weeks ago. The sweet boy died almost 38 years ago, but that day last week, it was like it was the day he died and I was a young girl who just didn't understand. Go easy on yourself. Find comfort in the people who love you and are with you now. Find comfort in the memories of those who are gone. It is all a continuum. And you know that good, healthy habits go a long, long way to improving mood and outlook. I'm glad you blogged. I was beginning to wonder what was going on.
    1928 days ago
    Please know that you are missed when don't blog but everyone needs down time! Happy to know you are feeling better!
    1928 days ago
  • MIRAGE727
    I'd be lying for I didn't share that I also have moments of contemplating mortality! Yes, it can send a little shiver through me. But, I'm just gonna work stronger on being the best that I can be, enjoy DSSECRETS & Gianna, and keep on finding challenges in life! I love the term, "going down in a blaze of glory!" But I interpret it as simply embracing life to the fullest! I waste minimal time on acknowledging the alternative!
    And when it's time to cross the finish line one last time, I want an old fashion N'awlins funeral with a lot of celebration, music, and trashing calories for one day! I might just create a 5K with that theme!
    And I know you have the fire in you to do the same, Barb! Until then, we rock on!
    1928 days ago
  • SANDYL54
    Warm thoughts to you as you deal with your losses. Be kind to yourself. You know what to do to help yourself and you will begin doing it, as your energy allows. We all struggle and lose our way at times. But now you have a strong foundation to draw on as you steer yourself back on your journey of healthful living. You will spark on, I am sure!!! Thanks for sharing the hard bits as well as your succeses!
    1928 days ago
    I'm hearing your words and feeling your pain, having come back from my dear BIL's funeral just yesterday. But the tides rise and fall....the world turns even when we wonder how it possibly can....time marches on. We can only make the most of every single day on this planet that we are awarded.

    Sorry for your losses too, and hope you are feeling better soon! As a very wise woman I know is fond of saying....Life's Good. Spark On!
    1928 days ago
    I am glad that you are back and blogging once again. You were missed.
    1928 days ago
    OK, we have been down memory lane and stand at the start of a new beginning.

    Make Today a Great Day!
    1928 days ago
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