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Sunday, March 10, 2013

On a scale of 1 to 10, where 10 is winning the lottery, and 1 is scooping up vomit with a spatula, I am literally scooping up vomit with a spatula. Then it gets worse, and I'm scooping up !@#$ with a spatula. DS14 is sick, and vomiting copiously. Then the dog takes a dump in the house. If anything good has come of this, it's that I've lost my appetite. I'm doing laundry & shampooing carpets. Not getting to the gym today.

I'm crying a lot because of an oddly cathartic moment when I was listening to the Tolkien Professor podcast (session 6), and he mentioned doing ceramics as therapy, and a memory that I had forgotten or repressed about my father being in a mental hospital doing ceramics. And the shame of rejecting him, and wishing he was normal, when he couldn't help it, because he suffered schizophrenia. But it was so hard growing up with a parent who was unpredictably violent.

I feel guilty also because I read an article linking schizophrenia, adhd and autism.
I thought I dodged that genetic bullet, but think I may have unwittingly passed it to my sons, maybe the worse thing I ever did to the people I love the most, that I can't change.

I'm trying hard to control my emotions, and not beat myself up. I'm rather weepy. I should go do something nice for myself. Like call a friend.
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Member Comments About This Blog Post
  • CARRIE1948
    Hope things improve
    1868 days ago
    I hope you take a nice warm bubble bath and have a cup of hot tea.

    Dealing with a loved on who has schizophrenia is really difficult. It leads to a lot of conflicting emotions and, to be honest, sometimes family members like this are hard to love. Unless you have been through it like you and my family have you don't know how you will respond.

    I'm hoping that tomorrow is better for you. You need some peace and quiet. A break. You deserve it.
    1868 days ago
  • TRICIA0623
    emoticon take care & don't beat yourself up. We all do the best we can! Tomorrow is a new day & hopefully, will be much, much better!
    1869 days ago
  • MISSYMOM1002
    oh no! sounds like a nasty weekend :( sorry you are going through this all. and you can't beat yourself up for the things you did especially as a child. doing that is not going to change a situation and you are human. we all have our shame especially when it comes to our parents. hope this coming week is a better one
    1869 days ago
    Can I add that the cat just threw up on my bed? I've had enough cleaning up bodily functions!
    1869 days ago
    Many hugs and prayers Caren. It's tough to pull out of those raw emotions.
    1869 days ago
    These are things you can't change. I know I've made mistakes with my children that weren't genetic and all I can do is move forward from here. emoticon
    1869 days ago
  • LIS193
    1869 days ago
    You made a start by blogging here and getting it out.

    My mother died in an alzheimer's facility 11/25, and looking back I see (now) that she was mentally unwell most of her life. I am not married today because of her rejection (and fear of it in marriage, when marriage is a 50/50 chance to begin with). So we all have our demons, and family shame, and many (most) of us have baggage. That you are addressing yours in such a brave and open way is something I applaud.

    We live in a broken world, so none of us can dodge the genetic bullet. If it's not one thing, it'd be another. It's not a personal blame or personal crime you did to someone. It's just the way it is. There is true guilt, and false guilt. You just happen to be at an emotional time, so of course false guilt tries to pile on in your vulnerable moment. Reject it. You have enough real issues to worry about.

    Hope your daughter gets better. When she's settled take the dog for a walk. Forget the gym. Today is not the day. And let yourself cry. It's good for you. Talk to someone who is trustworthy to keep your confidence.
    1869 days ago
    1869 days ago
  • LE7_1234

    I can think of a lot of genes I would have preferred not to pass on. But I did.

    And then I look at some of the things I passed on, and how amazingly well they combined with my husband's share, and I'm in awe.

    I'm sure you know what I mean... Take a minute to think of your sons with that sense of wonder....
    1869 days ago
    Definitely call a friend, whether it's to talk out your feelings or distract yourself from them. Beating yourself up over feelings you had in the past is not a good place to be.
    1869 days ago
    Do something positive for yourself...yes call a friend.
    1869 days ago
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