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Sunday, March 10, 2013

So I have been living (if you can even call it living) a life shut off from the world. Finally admitting to myself that I am the person to blame for allowing myself to be stuck in a world of agony. Now i am slowly breaking out of my cage and starting to truly see what life has to offer. i hate myself for wasting as much time as I have, But I think that things happen for a reason. My hope is that everything I have endured is leading me to a far greater fate than I could have ever imagined.

It has been easier to accept my life the way it is. This allowed me to fool myself into believing that I have no other choice than to live this way. I created this life I am in. I chose to hide away. I chose to feed the insecurities. I chose to not allow myself to be vulnerable and get close to people. they say that you can "choose" to be happy. If that were true, wouldn't everyone choose to be happy? Why are we determined to cause ourselves pain?

I love quotes and lyrics because they have the power to express what I am feeling, but am unable to find the words to say. I think this quote from Grey's Anatomy explains why we shut ourselves out. The quote is perfect for me!

Meredith: "There's a reason I said I'd be happy alone. It wasn't 'cause I thought I'd be happy alone. It was because I thought if I loved someone and then it fell apart, I might not make it. It's easier to be alone, because what if you learn that you need love and you don't have it? What if you like it and lean on it? What if you shape your life around it and then it falls apart? Can you even survive that kind of pain? Losing love is like organ damage. It's like dying. The only difference is death ends. This? It could go on forever."

The future terrifies me. I hate not knowing what is going to happen. It's not that I want to ruin the ending, I just want to make sure it's all works out in the end. I know life is about the journey. Sometimes I just wish it came with a guarantee that it will all work out cause most of the time it doesn't feel that way. I think this song explains it perfectly.

"Happily Ever After" by He is We

Oh, happily ever after, wouldn’t you know, wouldn’t you know.
Oh, skip to the ending, who’d like to know, I’d like to know.
Author of the moment, can you tell me, do I end up, do I end up happy?

So how do you do it?
How do get the courage to take a chance with life?
How do you open yourself up for love?
How do you allow yourself to fall not knowing if anyone will ever catch you?
And how do you pick yourself up off the floor when you have done these things and they fall apart?

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Member Comments About This Blog Post
    Hello, and thank you for stopping by my blog and leaving such encouragement behind! I really appreciate it.

    So reading this entry, I see we have some things in common. I'm pretty much a shut in myself. In other words, I don't get out much. emoticon

    I like the song you quoted. I've never heard of He is We, so I looked them up. Hey, I've paid for Spotify, might as well use it. I like them!

    But what you were saying reminds me of a good line from David Bowie. "I don't want knowledge, I want certainty." I contemplate the difference between the two quite often.

    The future scares me as well. I mean, it is scary! But you said you think things happen for a reason (me too), so... maybe it's not as scary as it seems. Maybe everything will work out the way it's supposed to. At least, that's what keeps me going.
    1924 days ago
    my sweet dear stacy,

    You must not fear where the future will take you, I will be there beside you pushing you forward! We have such a great life ahead of us and when we finally have our apartment together life will be so much different for you, I promise this to you. I am so happy to have met you and have you make me want to be so much more for myself. You are my driving force to continue being myself, you never judge me and I love you for it. Here's to you breaking that shell of yours and being wild and crazy with me :)
    1925 days ago
    Wow, this was deep. Just take things one day at a time.
    1925 days ago
    This blog, sounds like something I would write. I'm right there with you, trying to balance between my safe zone, and actually feeling like I'm living and not caged. There is a fine line between excitement and fear. And it's possible that the excitement of something new, might be interpreted as fear. And because we. Don't know how it will turn out, we cling to what we know. I find that I'm braver to try things outside of my comfort zone, when I just don't over think it. All the what ifs, and trying to visualize how it will play out. It overwhelms me and I feel like its too much and I hide. There is a huge part of me that wants to do so much in this world, and I give my over cautious side too much power to let my curious side explore. It's a challenge to get out of your own way, and give more power to the side of you that seeks enjoyment. It's not that we choose to be unhappy, it's that we don't let happy things happen. To open up and feel more... It's exciting... And a little scary, like the climb to the top of a roller coaster, But after you take the first plunge and you find that the build up of fear has turned more excitement, and your not really in any danger, to let yourself go, and raise your hands to the next turn. I imagine the feel of freedom. But like a caged animal, freedom is intimidating. Taking a chance outside the cage, over and over, until we don't need a cage anymore. Broaden our comfort zone to include the happy parts of life.

    As I'm writing this, I realize I need to take my own words of advice.
    emoticon we can encourage each other to step out! I'm here if you want to talk!
    1925 days ago
    I fear the future too, even though deep down I get this overwhelming sensation that everything is going to be alright. Just take it one day at a time. Live in the moment. Plan for the future but don't dwell on it. That is what I try to do at least :)
    1925 days ago
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