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Getting all my ducks in a row

Friday, March 08, 2013

For the record, some times I like to have my ducks all over the place and quacking like crazy.

A (very) little about me:
I have a two year old daughter, and a nine month old son. I want another baby, now. NOW!
I sparked once before, lost 30 pounds, gained it all back, and gave up.
I work part time as an RN on night shift.
I have a dry sense of humor.
I'm married for 7 years.
I'm a smoker, for the last 9 years.
I no longer recognize myself in the mirror. So I stopped looking.

How this started:
I went to buy a few items for a trip to florida. I estimated big in the clothes section and was sad (but not all that surprised) that in the fitting room, they didn't fit. The fitting room is a terrible place. You HAVE to look at yourself in the mirror. And you see so much more than you want to.

A few goals:
A little black dress would be nice. The real kind. Not the one I own, with little sleeves that try and fail to hide my arms and my stomach bulge, that a nun could wear.
I'd like to walk up the stairs or run after my kids without getting out of breath.
I'd like to smoke my last cigerette.
Sun bathing in a two piece.
Make love to my husband with energy and excitement.
Wear a little makeup regularly.
Wear high heel shoes again.
Spend a little money on my wardrobe and not loathe what I bought (which i bought in a hurry and in a baggy size).
Hang up my phone and darn facebook and be present in my life, and my childrens lives.
Give up soda and caffiene!
Not shy away from cameras, movies, cartoon artists.
Recognize myself in the mirror!
Major goal: be strong and healthy and raise my kids actively.

I need to lose 80 pounds. 80! 80!
What I can't figure out is how I'm supposed to do this when I have no idea how I gained it all in the first place. I'm home with 2 little ones, I don't snack, I barely have time to eat meals, but yes I'm sedentary and when those kids go to bed for the night, all bets are off.
And I still want to have kids so how I'm going to lose 80 pounds and still produce another human man is beyond me.
But I'm 30, and I would like to enjoy my 30's. I would like to meet peoples eyes again.
I would like to value myself.

Any ideas? Little help?
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Member Comments About This Blog Post
    that was a huge one for me... meeting peoples eyes and that brought a lump to my throat when i read that. i thought perhaps i was the only one who felt they almost didnt have the right to do that because of weight. almost like i dont have the right to exist.

    80 is doable.
    slow and steady.
    find what works for you....even if it takes some time to do.
    just finding out what works is more than half the battle. finding out what you can and cant live with, can and cant live without, what you can and cant do.
    its a learning process....

    btw, what name were you under before? if you dont mind?
    1853 days ago
    Keep focused for success. You can do it. Go for it.
    1871 days ago
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