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How am I? Let me tell you...no lies.

Friday, March 08, 2013

Yesterday was not the best day. My Facebook status at the end of the afternoon read, "Today = FAIL". Why?

Well, I felt like I got nothing accomplished at all. I hardly got any work done. I had vowed to start training in earnest this week because my 8-week half marathon training plan starts next Monday. I skipped my lunch hour 2-mile run...for no apparent reason other than the fact that I didn't feel like doing it. I have had a rough week with patience with the kids and things are just super busy, so I'm stressed. Also, I've got some extra hormones going on this week, if you know what I mean. It was just a downer of a day.

But, man, I have some amazing friends and family. No sooner did I post that status than I received encouraging notes from several of my closest and dearest. I also saw a great TED Talk about being wholehearted and conquering shame, which spoke to me deeply. It was very powerful. Check it out when you have 20 minutes to blow...you won't regret it.


Thinking about this message got me wondering...what DID I accomplish today? Well, more than I was giving myself credit for, that's for sure.

1. I got the kids up and ready and out the door on time, as I do every single day they are with me.
2. They got to their bus stop on time and weren't late to school.
3. I packed a healthy lunch for them.
4. I got to work on time.
5. I had a great meeting with my boss and co-worker.
6. I reconciled the company credit card in Quickbooks.
7. I scheduled several meetings for my boss.
8. I didn't blow up at my kids once.
9. I took the girls skating and spent some one on one time with the boy going bowling and playing pool and air hockey.
10. I got the kids in bed.

So...that's not really NOTHING.

Those who love me remind me repeatedly that I must have compassion and kindness for myself. This was also highlighted in the TED Talk (link above).

In the spirit of compassion for Leah, it is helpful to think about all the things that I have accomplished recently and that I should feel some measure of pride about:

emoticon I somehow put $600 down on a new aparment.

emoticon I moved into said apartment on a work day and got all my boxes in by myself.

emoticon I caught up on all my debts and my bills are all paid and current.

emoticon I have provided a home for my 3 kids...it's not a perfect home, but it is a nice place for them to be with me.

emoticon Of course my kids are struggling - what kid wouldn't when their parents get divorced? But, they still frequently smile. They are still happy children. They are MORE THAN taken care of in both homes. They still say, "You're the best mommy!" when I do something that pleases them. They still tell me that they love their Daddy.

emoticon I have an exceptionally amicable relationship with my ex-husband. We are friends and we still keep in touch. We don't fight and we don't make the transitions hell for the kids either. We can be together in the same room...and we are....every single week at church.

emoticon I have maintained my faith throughout this whole ordeal...and continue to spend time with God and try to figure out how I relate to Him. If you think that is an easy task with Shame riding on your back, you have got another thing coming, friend.

emoticon I bought a car. Outright, with cash at a dealership. I own a car. For the first time in my life.

emoticon I have stayed focused on my job and done the very best I can do at work. To my knowledge, I have not let anyone down horribly as I've navigated through this divorce. I have tried to stay as professional as possible at work and I believe I've succeeded.

All of these things, I've done in a span of about 5 weeks. I can hardly believe it's only been a little over a month. In one week, the divorce will be final.

Here's the thing: I feel great. I don't feel lonely. I mourned the death of this marriage several months ago and those emotions have long since passed. I feel completely loved, fulfilled and happy right now. That's not to say I don't have rough days like yesterday or that everything is perfect (you should have seen the tantrums my kids threw on Monday night). It's just to say...there is grace for such a time as this. And I could possibly extend a little bit of that to myself.

I'm through with shame and worrying about how things look to everyone else. I am done with feeling bad about myself because people don't approve of an adult decision that I made after years of consideration.

So, I am letting it go. And I am living in freedom. And THAT...is how I am today.
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