40,000-49,999 SparkPoints 42,597

My World Comes Crashing Down

Friday, March 08, 2013

You know how you have vague expectations about how you will spend your life. I didn't have specific plans, just a vision of many years of retirement where I could enjoy my life with my hubby in my new body. But sometimes life gets in the way of the plans you have. Last night while I was out taking my granddaughters to dance class, then McDonalds and the Playland there, hubby got the dreaded call. When you get a call that late, you know it can't be good news...and it wasn't. The cancer has spread, the Physician Assistant who called told him, there's a little bit in his hip. Well if you know cancer, a little bit anywhere is not a good thing. So the prostate cancer is already in his bones.

Somehow I already knew that. I have messaged a few of you here about my fears that the cancer was all through his body, he has had so many problems and even some pain. I guess I should be grateful that it's not all over the place, but "just a little bit in his hip."

Of course all I can think about is my dad who lost his battle with the same cancer. He was much older when he was diagnosed (77, compared to my very young hubby's 60), and did okay for a time, but about five years in, utilizing several different avenues of treatment, the cancer still spread to his bones, and he broke his pelvis. After that he couldn't walk and spent the last 8 months of his life in hospice in a hospital bed at his home, while I tried to take care of him. My attitude was not good, I always had a smile on my face when I was with my Dad, but I think, no I KNOW, he knew how much I resented being a caregiver. Sometimes I think hubby's cancer now is my retribution for being such a horrible person through all of that. And sometimes I blame hubby for not going to the doctor sooner. He always puts it off. He had been under the care of a urologist for several years for an enlarged prostate, but that is NOT a sign of cancer and his PSA levels were always low. Then, all of a sudden, the damn cancer has spread to his bones? WHAT? How does that happen so fast? Prostate cancer is notoriously slow growing. But of course his is aggressive. Of course it is. Sometimes I think if the worst can happen, it WILL happen to me.

I wanted us to grow old together, to travel in retirement, to be able to enjoy our grandkids and take them places, and have TIME to enjoy some time together after a lifetime of hard work. Now all I worry about is him breaking his hip or pelvis like my dad, being unable to walk like my dad, and of course losing his job and our health insurance with it. I really regret retiring now. I remember asking him before I gave my notice at work that I was retiring, "Are you going to get sick?" Cause I worried about it. I worry about losing him. I worry about being alone. I worry about losing all we have worked our lifetimes to get, about losing our house.

My boys are a bit blaise about it all. I told them last night, and today they have both asked if we can watch their kids overnight Saturday, while they go on a bus trip to a local casino to celebrate my daughter-in-law's birthday. I don't think they know what we are going through right now. My whole life has just been turned upside down.

I wanted this cancer to be curable. But now that it's spread to the bones, although it can be slowed, it can't be stopped. I may have him for another 10 years or maybe even longer. But it won't be without constant fear or without a constant medical battle to keep him healthy. And it will be terribly expensive and difficult. And probably my worst fear is that I will lose him sooner than that.

He was comforting me last night instead of vice versa. He is strong. But before when he beat melanoma, at one point he did finally collapse. He gave in to the fear and had a terrible few weeks. I guess our relationship is one where when one of us is weak, the other is strong. I was strong for him back then, and I will come to terms with this and accept it and be strong for him again. I just need a minute to get used to this horrible change in my plans....but right now all I can do is cry.
Share This Post With Others
Member Comments About This Blog Post
  • MP92001
    my thoughts and prayers are with you and yrou family. one day at a time. i am so sorry you have to go through this. we will try to be strong when your not able. lean on us if you need too. that is what friends are for. emoticon
    1886 days ago
    I am so sorry about everything you are both going through. I don't know what to say to make it better other than you have 1,000's of SparkFriends praying for you and your husband.

    1896 days ago
    I am so sorry to hear that. You will be in my thoughts and prayers as you move through the next challenge in your life. As your being the strong one now, don't forget to take care of yourself. emoticon
    1896 days ago
    emoticon emoticon emoticon
    1896 days ago
    I have various thoughts about this. We all have to die sometime- and part of me thinks knowing that I was on the down hill slide would have many advantages:
    *Not taking things, time or opportunities for granted
    *I think a person would tend to Enjoy every minute they can and not waste time on things that don't mean anything. So many TV shows are really just a waste.
    *Being able to plan and get belongings in order so it would be easier on those left behind
    * Being able to say good bye and tell people what you have been wanting to say--
    I am sorry or I love you,
    Or on the opposite side of that- not spend time with those we do not care about.

    Sorry to hear about your news- but try to look on the positive side with the things I have written about and cherish every minute you have with him.
    1899 days ago
  • MARTY728
    emoticon emoticon
    1899 days ago
  • Add Your Comment to the Blog Post

    Log in to post a comment

    Disclaimer: Weight loss results will vary from person to person. No individual result should be seen as a typical result of following the SparkPeople program.