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2 Months in Seclusion - 97lbs Down and Feeling Like a Failure

Thursday, March 07, 2013

I am basically a very up person. In fact sometimes to serious. My success on this journey in losing weight and getting in shape has been unprecedented in my life. Unfortunately, other parts of my life have not been so successful and I have been sabotaging those parts for the last 6 months. Around Christmas I started on a funk which I have been trying to end.

I have read a number of blogs and articles have said that losing weight and getting fit will not resolve all of your problems. I am living proof of that. My weight loss and fitness progress has been very satisfying. I had a nice reveal with my parents at Christmas time at 207lbs (down 78). My son and I cooked Christmas dinner and that turned out well. I ate way to much but I worked out some each day I was there. I hit my phase 2 spark goal of 195lbs at the end of January. I decided to let my body decide where I would go next and I have been in an aggressive maintenance mode since then and I am now down to 188.6. This is huge for me because I am now at a normal BMI. This could be the first time ever this always chubby kid can be called thin. I have muscle definition I have never seen in my body. I am now wearing 34" waist jeans, down from 46".

The icing on my fitness success came this week when I was picked by my ice hockey referee association to officiate a girls under 14 Illinois state championship game this Saturday. For this former fat official (who desperately needs new ref pants) this is a first and beyond what I expected. To quote the assigners e-mail, "We had many qualified candidates, but you were selected due to your dedication and commitment to our game. " Last year I had trouble getting anything but lower level your games and adult hockey.

Despite all of this there is my funk. The biggest factor in my funk is my lack of a job for the last 10 months since IBM outsourced my job. I have been living off savings, significant referee money and a small side job. But, the money is running out and I have some major repair expenses that I do not have the money to cover. My problem is that I am not doing a very good job looking for a good job. I think that I am afraid that my age will keep me from getting a good job so I do not try enough. I am having trouble getting past that.

The second biggest factor is that I have no personal life. While I am legally married, I have not had a relationship with my wife for about 8 years. Initially it was for my son's sake that I allowed us to share the same roof. Now, her dependence on me financially makes it impossible for me to just walk away. She has not had a decent full time job in more than 16 years. At least now she spends half of her time at her mom's house taking care of her and is only here part of the time when she works at a small part time job.

I think when I was fat I wrote off a personal life as not very likely. Who would want a 57 year old obese guy. Now that I am fit and active I need more. My son lives with me and we share a lot of interests, but that is not enough. I keep on telling myself to do something,, but my employment and marital status keep my on the sidelines.

To make things even worse, since Christmas I stopped blogging and communicating with many of my Spark friends. I did enjoy writing upbeat and hopefully witty blogs. Detailing my successes and discoveries was fun. It took me a while to get past the fear of blogging, but I was enjoying it. Once my funk started I could not talk lightly or proudly of my adventures because I just felt the failure. I have started several blogs to get back on track, but never followed through. Partly now because I felt that I had abandoned my friends.

I have decided to use my recent successes to try to leverage myself out of this state. I need to get back on the horse and work harder to get a job. I want to stay somewhat active on this site. I want to get to 185 which would be 100lbs loss. But, I need to make it more of a background activity and not my focus. Writing this down has been cathartic. I apologize for its length. I usually try for short blogs, but I needed to get this out. I plan on returning to the community part of SP for its help and to help encourage others.
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Member Comments About This Blog Post
    good luck with your lose
    1927 days ago
    I have been on spark off and on for years. I use MFP more now and have some other sites. I however searched Tabata, came across some spark articles and was led to your blog.

    I am saddened in one way by your state of affairs however, I know what you are going through. After a 2 year separation, my husband and I reunited only to have him lose his job. We took a huge financial hit and yes failure is a constant black cloud. I do not have the weight loss success you have. I have lost 37 lbs and still have at the minimum 130 to lose but to get the normal BMI probably 150. I however, have learned that if I do not take care of myself I have nothing for anyone else. I think fat is often a way to fight off and hide from the emotions etc in our lives. We lose the fat and still have the emotions. I would strongly suggest getting into some counseling to help you deal with those feelings. It helped me immensely and though my 23 yr marriage is not perfect we are no longer in the abyss you describe and we were sharing the same roof for at least 6 yrs prior to the separation. I am not saying marriage counseling as at first I think you have to deal with your emotions. Just a thought. emoticon Thank you for sharing. You have inspired me.
    1929 days ago
    Hmm. Let's see. 95% of the people who set out to loose weight fail. That means you're in a very elite group of successful people.

    It took me awhile to figure out that weight loss is just part of what Spark People is about. I'm sure you'll be able to use more of the resources and build on your success. You have a terrific start on a network to help you move on to the next phase right here.

    Here's to many more successes. emoticon
    1932 days ago
    Wow. I am brand new to spark and don't have any friends yet, but I have to say I am so inspired by you. What a transformation you have made. I guess when you totally change your body, and emotional transformation and new sense of awareness come with the territory. The fact that you are recognizing what your obstacles are show me that there is so much hope for you to have the life you deserve.

    First I would say though is that you have lost alot of weight and that's good, but since you are usually more upbeat, maybe you should see a doctor and have some blood work taken. A weight loss like that might have changed the chemical makeup of your body and a doctor can help determine of this is more chemical imbalance than dissatisfaction.

    I only just read this and I think you can make the changes you need to. We all feel trapped by sometimes. I will keep my fingers crossed that you find a job. You are worthy.
    1932 days ago
    Thank you for sharing with us. The employment situation is still very frustrating for some of us. Hang in there and I hope that you can find a way out of your funk. Have you checked to see if there are any meetup groups in your area that might have free or cheap activities to get to know people? The site is You might find some other like minded individuals that get together over coffee or a board game.
    1932 days ago
    Glad you're back! We all have broad shoulders and can help share the load. Your friends will understand.
    1933 days ago
  • MISSB8604
    Please know you're not alone in this and your SparkFriends (especially me) know EXACTLY where you're coming from. You are not alone and you ARE supported.

    Need anything? Just ask.

    Even though I've lost 100lbs, I too have felt like a failure. It's the nature of the beast I'm afraid.
    1933 days ago
  • PICKIE98
    As your body grows in a different direction so does your mind,, focusing on you instead of how others depend on you is a biggie. While they lead their lives, you have none. It is a path I am traveling now,, somewhat.. The spouse thing would never have happened with me, but a child is different.
    I did have many others taking advantage of me, but I did learn..: Nobody can step on you unless you get down on the ground.
    I am SLIGHTLY older than you and it took a lot of years to change me..
    I hope that you look in the mirror and see all of the positives you have accomplished. Change is the hardest thing.. one change at a time is best..

    Good luck and I think you look great!!!

    BTW, volunteering is sometimes the best path to a great career.. never, ever, ever, give up.

    1933 days ago
  • TXTOAD9970
    emoticon emoticon emoticon
    1933 days ago
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    1933 days ago
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