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Wednesday, March 06, 2013

I'd skip this blog if i were you. :-/

I've been having a rough time of it lately folks- I won't lie. I'm not sure how to fix all the problems I'm having, many of which are related to anxiety. I'm in some high stress classes, trying to write a research proposal, overwhelmed by extracurriculars and my job?...Well it's just demanding more and more of my time as well. It's gotten to the point that I'm worried about my health.

I had heart palpitations in class on saturday. I've had difficulty breathing, and even when I'm sitting doing nothing there's this overwhelming feeling of anxiety. I briefly flirted with the idea of going to the emergency room, with the heart pounding that's how bad it was.

I haven't exercised in a gym in over a month. And now with the breathing trouble and the anxiety, I'm scared to start again. I should see a doctor... but first,I need to find a physician who accepts our insurance. the husband was annoyed that we had to pay my august doctor's appt at the Allina clinic in full, despite them saying they accepted our insurance. Everything is a mess. I need to do a million different things. I kinda just want to crawl into a ball and hide under the desk. I've told my husband about the anxiety, and he just kinda laughed it off and didn't take me seriously. I told him I wanted to take a week off from work to pull myself together and he was like "just make a doctor's appointment, you don't need to take a week off." But I feel so overwhelmed, and like I'm letting everyone around me down.It's affecting my sleep. I can't turn my mind off. it just keeps berating me and cycling through all the things that still need doing.

I wish I had someone here to talk to. I wish I had some kind of support system, and someone other than my dog to reassure me, and tell me everything is going to be okay. I wish that I was a warrior, not a worrier. That I could cope with all the stress piling around me.I'm just so unhappy.i wish there was help, or a Calvary to come rescue me.

I'm in a bad place.

I'm back up to 175.5. stress eating nom nom nom. I'm not cooking much because cooking involves going to the grocery, and carrying back the bags alone. and I think that if I keep putting it off i can get the husband to come with me, but instead he keeps picking up frozen meals at target on the way home from work. And instead of making a grocery list or fighting with him about it, I just let it go, because I can't do it right now. I can't deal with that, and the laundry, and my job and my graduate program and all these things. I can barely keep the apartment presentable, and get my assignments done.

and I read everything I've just written, and I'm ashamed that I'm like this. and I feel like a depressed, lazy poorly managed slacker. I can't even work up the strength to make a list. I don't know what to prioritize. Everything is important. Everything needs to get done.

I Just. Can't. Deal.

And in the end I just come back here to spark, and cry a bit as I rant out my frustrations at whatever poor soul clicks the link to read this. This is a mess. and I'm sorry I wrote it. But I'm posting it anyway. And I hope that I have an epiphany or something that makes all of this more bearable. I hope that I can look back on this and laugh and say "How silly! Why on earth did I ever think this wasn't all manageable"


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  • ANDY_54
    I just meandered over here to see how you were doing tonight and of course, I'm late. Wish I would have seen this earlier. I can't offer any advice from what's been said--but please go see the doctor if you can, if nothing else, they have tons of resources to help. Anxiety can be crippling, and I know from experience it's hard to see the forest from the trees right now. Please take care--miss you!
    1867 days ago
    I agree with all of the below comments/suggestions. Only thing I would add is to go walk down the street and walk back. Sometimes, even a 5 minute walk makes my anxiety level go down. That energy and adrenaline has to go somewhere. Rather it be "walked off" than stored in your body, making you feel crazy. Good luck. lady.

    Go look at the new Joss Whedon "Much Ado About Nothing" trailer. You get a tiny glimpse of Nathan Fillion. :D
    1870 days ago
    I remember feeling that way a couple years ago when I was running a business, taking care of my family and going to college full time. After working on a research project for two months and getting close to the due date, one night I all of a sudden felt like I did the whole project wrong! I took it to the professor the next day. She said it was fine - I cried on her office ! All the anxiety and pressures had caught up with me. I will never forget that feeling, but I felt so much better after I got it out!

    Can you talk to your advisor or go to the health center at your school? You don't need to worry - they understand how stressful college life is.

    Also, I know it is difficult, but try to take one day at a time and break your project down step by step. Sometimes thinking about all we have to accomplish is too overwhelming. You will get there, one step at a time.

    Finally, it would be a good idea to stop by your doctor's to get checked so you can feel at ease at least with your body. And your doctor can help you with your anxiety.

    Take care of yourself - all the rest will follow.
    1871 days ago

    There's some great advice here. Your insurance company should be able to help you find a doctor in their network, and while there's no "magic bullet" to deal with anxiety, there are things that can help!

    You might want to set aside some time to have a talk with your husband. Laughing it off may be his way of trying not to worry you even more or maybe he just doesn't really understand how much of a problem you're having. Either way, you need to be honest with him and let him know how you're feeling, and that you sometimes need his shoulder to lean on and someone to confide in.

    In the meantime, you can try different methods of de-stressing to see what works for you. Maybe it's a hot bath. Maybe it's listening to your favorite song. Maybe it's just scribbling with a crayon.

    When you're really feeling overwhelmed, remind yourself that this is just a temporary situation, and it WILL pass.

    If you ever need to vent, we're here for you!!! You are definitely not alone!!!
    1871 days ago
  • OPTIMIST1948
    Anxiety eats at all of us. But there are a few things you can do.
    1) DH thinks he is helping you by getting the frozen Target meals. He thinks its one less thing for you to do. You need to tell him 2 words "rotisserie chicken" - easy, cheap and you can do 1000 things with it. Add a loaf of bread and bag salad and you have a meal that you can respect yourself in the morning. Add a bottle of wine and you might start to find that the world looks a little bit happier too.
    2) Call your insurance company - the 800 # on the back of the card. Tell them you are looking for a doctor in your area that accepts your insurance without requiring you to lay out the cash first. Many insurance companies also have their provider list online.
    3) When my anxiety was kicking me in the @$$ and depression was getting my head (twin nasties) the exercise REALLY did help. I credit endorphins with helping me pull out of the tailspin I was in. Seriously. Make the 10 min promise to yourself. Start with something simple: Yoga, walking, pilates - were you wont stress your heart enough to be concerned about the palpitations.
    4) SP is a place where you can always-always-always come for emotional support and advice. I know you feel silly pouring your heart out to the keyboard. But we are real people with hearts as big as oceans and shoulders as wide as mountains. Share your burdens, get them off your chest. We are here for you. ALWAYS.
    1871 days ago
    Okay, I have a diagnosed anxiety disorder. It sucks. Definitely see a doctor and if you feel like it, take the week off from work.

    I would try going to the gym and doing something. Exercise helps my anxiety so much, even just talking a short walk. I get out of my head for a little while and when I pour myself back into it, I often have a better perspective.

    One of my biggest problems was asking for help and learning to tell people "No, I'm sorry, but I can't."

    I am mentally smacking your husband on the back of the head for laughing off your concerns. Does he get YOU one of the frozen dinners too, or just for himself? If he did then I would say he is trying to take the pressure of you having to cook off, but don't know that...

    And now, my mantra for when I'm stressed and dealing with CRAP!

    This too shall pass.....

    1872 days ago
    You take on a lot, and I agree that you should see your doctor. It sounds like if there's something that can give, you should let it give. Take a look at everything on your plate and see which one you can let go of. You have to take care of yourself first.

    And *steps up on soap box* your DH needs to take your concerns more seriously and help you take care of yourself. Laughing at your health concerns in unacceptable as far as I'm concerned. You shouldn't feel like your dog is the only person in your house who comforts you. It is sad and it makes me mad. And it makes me want to get in the car and drive to where you live and smack him with a wiffle ball bat. I lived with a bad man for several years. Not saying your DH is a bad man, but his behavior doesn't sound like he's living up to "love, honor, cherish, in sickness and in health, til death do us part." *steps down from soap box*

    Make boundaries. Draw lines. Don't do everything for everybody, just do what you need to for Lena. And we're all rooting you on, Sparkers and Whovians from every corner of the country. emoticon
    1872 days ago

    First, take a deep breath. You can do this!

    Go see the doctor if you think it will help. You can't help anyone else unless you take care of yourself first.

    1872 days ago
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