10,000-14,999 SparkPoints 12,379

I feel completely defeated today.

Friday, March 01, 2013

On soo many different levels. I'm sure most of it's boiling down to the fact the hearing is on Wednesday but I'm falling apart.

Everything hangs so fragile in the balance of it all. Today I realized just how fragile it all is, and part of me wants to just throw in the towel. I know I am strong but there is only soo much one person can take. People say money can't buy happiness but it can sure cause unhappiness.

I'm at the end of my rope and I just don't know what to do, if I make the wrong move at this point then my future is screwed. So part of the requirements for my Navy enlistment is that I can't have anything in collections, I can't enlist if I've had a house foreclosed on, or anything repossesed, no bankruptcy and can't have accounts past 90 days.

I am taped out though. My mortgage was paid late last month, the water bill hasn't been getting paid on time. This month I'm $375 short on my mortgage, and unable to pay my car insurance. My roommates are not paying anything on time anymore. But I can't kick them out because I'm so heavily reliant on the rent money. I don't have money for gas, or food. If I pay one thing, it's at the expense of not paying another. I am soo scared that I'm going to come out of this hearing with full resposibility for the car and house. It's not fair that my marriage/divorce could potentially ruin my life while he gets away to start over.

It makes me feel soo stupid, and it makes me think back over every decision and figure out what the tipping point was. What could I have done differently that I could have prevented this situation. It's where I start yelling IT'S NOT FAIR! It's where I collapse on the ground and sob. I don't want help! That's the thing, there's no one that has the resources to help but I also don't want help. I wan't for him to take equal responsibility for the marriage.

I am running out of energy to keep my head above water and truth is that I'm drowning. I'm literally a bug pinned to a board at this point. I can't sell the house, or the car with out his permission or the divorce being over, I can't file my taxes until this is over. I don't have time for a 2nd job I have to be careful of selling anything in the house because if I sell too much they can add it to my income. I get that life isn't fair, but it's not fair that one person has the capability to ruin my life or determine it's fate.

I take full responsibility for my life, I'm not saying it's all someone's fault but I am NOT the only one to blame. I am not the only one that created this mess, Why should I be the only one to clean it up? I get that getting married at the age of 20 was dumb. I get it. I get that buying a house with him was dumb. I truly have got it. It will forever scar my view on marriage. No one understands the consequences of my decisions over the last 4 years better than I do.

I'm soo tired of ppl telling me, what I should or should not have done. It's done it's over can't do anything about it now and I very may well spend the next 5 years living with my parents while I clean up the mess that's been created. I'm full aware that the mess I participated in, could keep me from doing anything with my life. I don't want to hear that I'm over reacting because honestly I'm not. If my Navy recruitment get's screwed up, I don't have other options. I can't go back to school because I have maxed out my student loans, which means my tuition would have to be paid for out of pocket. I can't afford to pay for my tuition out of pocket because I have debt that needs to be paid off, which buries me even further because the fact that I'm not in school means I have to start making payments on my student loans.

I want to scream. I know I am strong. I know that I have made it through up until this point. But after everything that has happened how am I honestly to believe that everything truly will be ok. I'm sitting here counting pennies while he's taking week long vacations to where ever he wants to go.
Share This Post With Others
Member Comments About This Blog Post
    I feel for you. As you know, I'm in a very similar situation with my ex right now. It SUCKS knowing that even though HE hurt YOU, it's YOU that gets to deal with the fallout. It frustrates the hell out of me too. I know it sounds a little corny, but I'm a HUGE believer in Karma. Believing in it has gotten me through some of my darkest moments since the split and I'm sure it will continue to do so for the rest of my life. While right now things may be completely unfair, just know that Karma will catch up with him. It may be years down the road, but I guarantee that it WILL happen. It's just not possible to put out that much negativity and not get it back at some point.

    Remember, I'm always here to talk to. Email me anytime, please!
    1910 days ago

    Comment edited on: 3/3/2013 4:43:06 PM
    Go ahead and SCREAM !! I can relate to your situation as I went through a similar situation when I divorced my first Husband with a child and at that time single mothers where not held in high regard. First everybody is suffering through this economy - I mean everyone - but , that's who the people voted in , so we have to deal with it - and no I am not prejudice , I am making that clear. Or Country is in a sour position, so do not take it personal due to all the politicians that have taken advantage of the people. OK maybe you made some mistakes but you are human right? We all do . First , since your not divorced yet half of those bills are his responsibility !!! Make him pay ! You should not have to carry this burden by yourself. Second - It makes me furious that the Navy has such an opinion on our personal lives !! So living with Mom and Pop might not be the ultimate situation but its better than being homeless , right . I wish I would have had that option but , I did not. You need to make your roommates pay - period - this is no FREE RIDE !! Get rid of the dirty sponges , I have been through that also - Take the Welcome Matt off your Back !! Or people will WALK all over you , because you are nice and vulnerable right now - Go to see if you can apply for assistants on your bills , why not everyone is doing it , and does mean your a bad person - you just need to get your ducks in row - emoticon This too shall pass - just hang in there !! Here if you need me - Hugs Karen emoticon emoticon emoticon I am not telling you what to do , these are suggestions - as I have been through a lot in my life ! I know I am harsh sometimes but I will always be honest !
    1910 days ago
    Quote: "Perseverance is not a long race; it is many short races one after the other."─Walter Elliot

    1912 days ago
    It seems insurmountable right now but it WILL pass. Trust me. And stop looking to the past for answers. You lived and that's more than some. Bravo to you for taking a risk for someone you loved. When you die, you will regret the things you didn't do more than things you did. As for the Navy, give it some time. Just because you can't go when planned doesn't mean you can't go at all.

    And he should be responsible for the marriage but you and I know life isn't always fair. You have just a few more days until you know what will actually happen. Don't get yourself worked up over what might happen. One day at time girlie. You can and will do this.
    1912 days ago
    I feel so bad for you!! hang I. There is got to be someone you can talk to...perhaps a minister or priest..? Keep praying, meditating, and staying calm...You will get through this.... emoticon emoticon
    1912 days ago
    So sorry, but please don't lose heart. You are always worth your best efforts!
    1912 days ago
  • Add Your Comment to the Blog Post

    Log in to post a comment

    Disclaimer: Weight loss results will vary from person to person. No individual result should be seen as a typical result of following the SparkPeople program.