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Where to begin... decision to start again, every day, forever.

Friday, March 01, 2013

As I read my last blog from September, I feel as though a lifetime has been lived since those days. It has been a whirlwind of changes. I left my job to work at a yoga retreat center in hopes of a stable environment, to eventually make a home in the Berkshires, to have rewarding work and also the opportunity to practice yoga and yogadance to my heart's content. What a dream right? It was the perfect transition position for me on my road to eventually owning my own business as I paid down my debt.

Well, what looked good on paper didn't exactly pan out. Not at all. Within three weeks, they fired, that's right fired and walked out the building the wonderful boss who made it possible for me to leave at the end of the day with no worries and take my yoga classes. The reason? Insubordination??? Another word for politics. I was spiraled into seeing that this community was founded not in the ideals I expected but in the same politics I found at the financial investment firm and I was no more stable here than there. What a disappointment. Don't get me wrong, I wasn't completely ignorant to there being problems at this place and I knew it was not utopia. However, really? I didn't think it was THAT bad.

The following four months turned into 50-60, if not more, work hours a week sitting in a little closet with a window that overlooked insulation and not the outdoors. Dark with horrible air quality. Doing the same thing week after week on a deadline with pressure. Considering the circumstance, I was able to use all the strength of character I had in hopes that my yogic discipline of integrity might at least be an example of good behavior. But alas, you can lead a horse to water but you can't make it drink. Nor can you expect that even if you do not get involved in others issues, that their issues won't involve themselves with you.

Well, needless to say, after a few last straws, I can say had the strength to say this is an unacceptable environment for me. I gave my notice and EVEN gave them a month and half, trained the new girl ONLY to be treated so incredibly rude at the end. I'm still a bit dumbfounded about it. Yet another place in my life where I feel I gave so much compassion to not have it returned. It is a sharp realization.

I am proud that I left sooner rather than later because in past years I would stay so much longer letting myself be beaten. Though, I can't help but ask the question "where did I go wrong in even letting myself be in the situation to begin with?" Note that I do not say - what's wrong with me. That's a great step in the right direction because in the past I would internalize this and feel the whole thing is my fault which I absolutely know it is not.

So here I am. I am back home and Boston and never been happier to call this my home. I won't ever say that I didn't try to live in the Berkshires or to have this experience. I won't have regret. But, after living at a yoga retreat center for 4.5 months, it is unfortunate that I did less yoga than I have ever done in my life and I return to Boston out of shape and back in a size 16.

As Ben Affleck said at the Oscars, "it's how you get back up" and so I'm getting back up today. Despite my long absence from SparkPeople, I ask for encouragement today. Somehow, I will find a way to optimal health and lifestyle. I deserve no less and I am willing to do the work necessary.

I hope this blog finds you well and also "getting back up" on a daily basis forever because that's what I have decided to do.
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Member Comments About This Blog Post
    I had a similar experience having moved across Canada, to the west coast, only to find the job of my dreams was in a company that was a complete nightmare. combine that with a very bad relationship with someone whom I "let" move out with me, and a desire to deal with my predicament without help from my parents, I had to suck it up and accept their money and assistance to move back "home" at age 35! But life goes on and within 5 years I was better off than I'd been before the move, and paid my family back every penny. Sometimes you can't know exactly how something will be until you try it, and that's true 10-times over for jobs. Don't be afraid to do what you have to do to take care of you, whether its accepting, or leaving, a job...! There's more to life than work, and it's just one of many experiences you're liable to have in life.
    1868 days ago
    What an inspirational share! I'm impressed with your ability to pick yourself up and move on... difficult given the strife you experienced. Chalk it up to learning - as much pain as it is. The gain in confidence and ability to stand up to it is awesome.

    Hey, I am a 16 too - but if you'll work on a reduction plan, I will do the same. If you can survive all that you have endured - I can forge ahead too. I'm struggling with getting back on the saddle and riding again. This blog reminds me I'm not alone and have every bit of help here that I need if I JUST ask!

    You're "THE BOMB" - THANK YOU for sharing what's in your heart and soul!!! emoticon
    1901 days ago
    Wow. I am in awe of your guts to make such a move to begin with! How wonderful and daring and true to yourself! There surely is a lesson in why it didn't work out, but I absolutely know it is NOT that it was a foolish move. You gave it your all and are still standing tall! Isn't it nice how sometimes Spark is the only constant -- even when you've been away for some time? emoticon
    1903 days ago
    Sounds like you are doing actually very well. You made decisions that were right for you and made them in a timely fashion. I'm impressed. And now that you're back in a safe environment, it sounds like you know what you need to do. I look forward to watching you succeed!
    1905 days ago
    I'm so glad you are back on Spark and back to a place where you can move past that experience and move forward!

    I had a similar situation one where I went from working from myself to working for a client, for whom I thought I had a decent relationship, and it turned into a nightmare. I, too, had given like months notice to finish a project only to have them beg me to stay. Needless to say, after a lot of political mind games that I could tell she was trying to play, I quit (still with about a months notice!). I gained weight and lost self-esteem in terms my own confidence in my skills and reputation. Anyway, it has been a long journey (and still going) for me to get back on track.

    It is tough and I feel for you! I love your attitude about "getting back up." I also love the question you asked about "where did I go wrong..." Thanks for that insight!!! I don't think I've framed my situation like that even though I moved on from it. But I think it is a great way to 1) learn how not to let it happen again and 2) not internalize as you said.

    Best wishes to you on your continued Spark Journey, getting YOUR yoga back, and with enjoying your home in Boston.

    1905 days ago
    I'm struggling to get back up too. I lost a lot of weight with spark, gained it all back plus more, and have been working to build better habits since the first of the year. The result. A whole 6 lbs. lost. If I eat one thing off plan I gain. This wasn't the case when I did this before. When you work hard you like to be rewarded. Your job experience sounds like some relationships I've had. Try hard, do everything and still not be appreciated. I guess we can at least say we did the right thing. So glad you chose to come back to spark. Just keep putting one foot in front of the other!
    1906 days ago
    I'm so sorry you had to go through this experience. I went through my own version of this when selling my Dad's farm and it was hell. However, I hope in a few months years or whatever that it will end up being a good learning experience, as much as everything sucks right now. As much as my experience was awful, I now frame every major life decision in terms of that experience, and I think it will serve me well in the coming years.

    Many hugs and positive thoughts coming your way!
    1906 days ago
    Wow, this blog mimics my experiences in looking for "utopia", which I have also found does not exist, atleast not for me in the way I thought it would. It can be so disapointing to follow your true instincts and to have them lead down a path of hardship, but it seems to be the modern path of initiation! You have such a great attitude about this exerpience. So great to have caught yourself, and moved on before losing too much of your spark to a negative spiral. Loving ourselves always leads to our very best. Sounds like you know all about that. I hope that this experience leads to a new path of greater joy, peace and fufillment in whatever the road holds for you. Trials are so exhausting at times, but inevitably, as we look back on life, it is in the muck and mire that we truly learn to shine. emoticon
    1906 days ago
    Wow... I've been through something similar in my career. It's a big pop in the chops, and you sit on the ground rubbing your chin and thinking "what hit me?"

    I'm with John on this one. This was not a wasted time for you. This was an amazing learning experience. I'd bet good money that you now know what you want and how to get it more than every before. I'd also bet good money that you know how to recognize a downward spiral when you see one. This will make you a smarter investor of your time and energy and money. This is invaluable experience for someone who wishes to start her own business.

    I'm sure you've already realized this, but there is no such thing as utopia if there is more than one person inhabiting a place. That's just how it is. Utopia ain't gonna happen. The only way you are truly going to be happy is to be in control of your working environment. There are two options: you can continue the quest for the perfect boss (which, as you learned, is fickle at best) or self-employment. I opted for self-employment and I can honestly say that it was the best decision I ever made. It has also been the hardest thing I've ever had to do, and the riskiest, and the loneliest. If you do choose to own your own business, make sure you have a support system of some kind. Those who work for others do not understand the trials and tribulations and thrills of working for yourself. They'll try to relate, but until you have grown something of your very own from the ground up, you really won't know the thrill of victory and the agony of defeat.

    I'm not dogging people for working for someone else. It is far more stable (even in an unhealthy environment) and far less worry and mental energy expended than being self-employed. At the end of the day, you can (albeit with difficulty sometimes) come home and do other things. When you are self-employed, it's like having a child. It's a 24-7 proposition. There are times when I wish I could have a 9-5 (or 9-6 or whatever it is nowadays) job where all the paperwork and extraneous activities were taken care of and I could just focus on my work and then come home and have free weekends and holidays and paid vacation and health benefits. But the freedom is far more important to me than having somebody else balance the books and order supplies and deal with vendors and saying "yes sir no sir how high ma'am". You have to choose what you want. I have complete faith that you will make the decision that is right for you.

    Congratulations on your learning experience. Things can only get better from here! emoticon
    1906 days ago
    Feeling the love. Thank you much more than you all know.
    1906 days ago
  • JSPIN74
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    1906 days ago
    Welcome back! John pointed me to your blog, and I'm glad he did. I am so sorry for the negative experience you went through; I'm afraid that people regularly do people stuff, and politics exist in pretty much every workplace I've ever been, even the ones that do wonderful, positive work in the world. All we can do is do our best to maintain our own integrity and not get involved; knowing when it's time to walk away from that environment is tough, good for you in doing what you need to for yourself. Now it's time to take care of you, first and foremost; you matter.

    1906 days ago
    Wishing you the best! You are courageous!
    1906 days ago
    First and foremost I am SO GLAD TO HEAR FROM YOU!!! I was really concerned you'd dropped off the face of the earth.


    You, like all the rest of us, are in recovery from life. We turn left when maybe turning right or staying where we are is better for us, but if life wasn't full of miss cues and adventures what would we learn? Yes, you had a rotten last few months but my goodness Mindy, look what you learned. Look at the insight you gained about yourself and the Universe around you!! That wisdom and knowledge will help you as you get back on track again. And then you have all of us wonderful and amazing Spark friends who have stumbled in the past and know exactly what you are going through.

    The dimension you added to your life, by having all those experiences makes you a much stronger role model for all of us. You got this, girl. There may be lottsa sweat and sacrifice and all that crap we don't like to talk about but you got this, and you KNOW you got this because we are all here cheering you on.

    BTW: if there is anything at all I can do to help, please let me know. I am sending my angels to help you also. emoticon
    1906 days ago
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