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I've Been Thinking

Tuesday, February 26, 2013

I've been thinking. . .and that's usually dangerous!
I'm awake most of the night and get up around 4:30 so why not go ahead and exercise? So, the past two days, that's what I did. And I was very proud of myself!

But then...
B u t then. . .
BUT T H E N. . .
But then, as today worn on, I suppose the stressful events of last week plus my own lack of decent sleep caught up with me and suddenly, without warning, I felt like this

only I didn't lay on the floor, but crawled into bed. I didn't want to get back up.
But then...
B u t then. . .
BUT T H E N. . .
But then, I had to get up. I had to keep going. Otherwise, the debilitation of depression would swallow me and I'm not going to let that happen. . . Again. . . Nope, I've sunk to that bottom and clawed my way back out.

Too many people fear the stigma attached to being considered depressed. I know my Mother hates that the doctor has diagnosed her with depression. She just calls it stress. And those without ever experiencing depression sometimes feel that those who truly have it are faking it. We are ATTENTION seekers. We aren't getting our way so we are whiners. That all we want are "magic pills." If only it were that easy! If only that was true.

So, after I crashed and burned today, it got me to thinking. . .

Now, I find that particularly sad yet funny. Especially since I know what stupid refers to in my life. Perhaps you too can find the humor in that picture. How many times do we do the same thing but expect a different outcome? And how many times have you thought "Who Cares?". . .

only to hear that little voice whisper to you, "you do, stupid!"
Even when maybe you shouldn't care, you do. Same here. I care far too much yet hide those caring feelings behind a solid steel wall because those stupid feelings have gotten me hurt so badly so many, many times. Therefore, I show the world what I think it wants to see, all the while I hide behind my ever-so-craftily designed mask.

Please believe me when I say I'm not wallowing in self-pity. I'm just not yippy-skippy happy today either.

What I am is TIRED. . .of so many things; my health, my financial struggles, my Mother's health, my medicine issues, my older brother's shenanigans causing an overload of stress between my Mother and myself, and I'm especially tired because of a lack of sleep.

I especially try to remember

because everyone has battles and demons of their own. We know not what struggles anyone fights against unless they choose to share, and even then, the depth of their struggle is still a mystery as you are merely looking in from the outside.

~ ~ ~And so~ ~ ~

This epitomizes my Tuesday,

Wednesday - I'm warning you now, be nice to me!

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Member Comments About This Blog Post
    Get some rest, get some sleep! You can't fight any battles when you are tired. emoticon
    2214 days ago
  • BEEJAY49
    I'm not afraid to admit to depression and that I also take meds to help with it. Even with that, I still get depressed at times. Life's struggles aren't easy and we each have a different path to take even if they seem the same at times. I sure hope today is much better to you, hopefully it will be to me also. :) Love you! HUGS!
    2214 days ago
  • BDH1970
    I love your Nobody's Perfect quote - so true, and something I need to be reminded of, especially at work. Thank you, and I hope your day's better tomorrow.
    2214 days ago
    Unfortunately I know exactly how you feel today!! And I also have that big ol' wall wrapped around myself!! I have shared so many of my feelings here at spark and I always get great support but they never really "see" the real me or the pain. Hopefully your issues will get some resolution and give you some peace. Take care of yourself and the rest will follow or at least that is what I hear!!! emoticon
    2214 days ago
    Lol I love this! Even with depression you haven't lost your sense of humor!
    I think many of us can relate to the "d" word. Despite the chaotic circumstances around you though - your beautiful spirit shines through. Hope springs eternal!

    You Go Girl! emoticon emoticon emoticon
    2214 days ago
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