At Least If I'm Struggling, I'm Still Putting Up a Fight

Tuesday, February 26, 2013

After two weeks I finally got the courage to get back on the scale. 191.4. I've gained 2.4 pounds. That's not terrible. I can bounce back from that. Considering how little water I've been getting and how much sodium-rich foods I ate yesterday, a pound of that is probably water weight anyway. The point is, though, that this is the first step to getting back on track for me.

I might have discovered the reason I've been so fatigued, lethargic, and depressed lately: I'm sick. I've had nasal/chest congestion and a sore throat for about four or five days now, but it wasn't until today that I had the thought to assess any of it. I have a slightly elevated temperature (I couldn't call 99.3 a fever) and gobby yellow stuff, so I probably have an infection of some sort. That on top of the poor food choices would explain a lot. The first step is to up the fluids and properly enrich my diet, and we'll see how I feel after that.

I've gotten into the sleep schedule of going to bed around three in the morning and waking up around 11 am. today I used that morning time to cook. I made two 265 servings of this cheesy veggie macaroni recipe from Spark Recipes. It turned out great except my zealous use of greek yogurt (and extra two ounces, oops!) made it ridiculously creamy. I also stumbled upon Fat Free shredded cheddar at the grocery store, and that excites me because I can be generous in my use of cheese without going over on calories. Yay for small victories. That means I've got two meals portioned out, and I've still got a few baked chicken thighs left over from Thursday to boost my protein intake.

At the store yesterday I also got fixings to concoct my own vegetable beef stew. I have to use ground meat instead of stew meat because that was the only grass-fed option I had, but with fresh potatoes, carrots, peas, celery, corn, and green beans, I think it will turn out fine. I love veggies soups (so low in calories you can eat a ton of it!) but the pre-made/canned kind are so bad for you! Here's hoping whatever I throw together ends up being tasty. I'm also considering reworking my famous chicken tortilla soup recipe to be more calorie friendly. I miss that stuff so much, and I can't believe I haven't made any of it since like, May 2012. That's crazy! Sometimes I can't believe how much time has passed since I've made all these changes to my life.

I've already had my chocolate shake for breakfast this morning on top of a cup of oolong tea and a cup of green chai to sooth my throat. Around 2pm before I leave work I'll probably have a 200 calories in chicken thigh, then grab a 100 calorie snack and one of those veggie macaroni things for dinner at work. Maybe an apple to curb any random cravings. That should set me up for super success for food for the day. That's like, 835 calories. I can do that.

As of right now I'm going to go through with the part-time job thing. For now. The money is a tremendous motivator, and I think spending four hours a day on my feet, walking and jogging around will help boost my activity level. It will only be three days a week, so I think I can handle that. I've got a huge in with the manager, so I'm going to try and work it out where I have at least one day a week where I don't work at either job. And of course, if I find that it's too stressful or draining or just plain not worth the money, I can always quit. There's no shame in that, even though the very thought makes me feel super guilty. At least this go round the only thing in the store that fits me are the bras, so I won't have to worry about spending my paycheck on clothes.

Try to look on the bright side of things, haha. Well, it's about time to hop in the shower or I'll be late for work. Here's hoping that I start to feel better physically and emotionally so I can FINALLY get down into the elusive 180s. If I can keep the food intake under 1500 calories, then today will be a success. Here's hoping.

Hope everyone is having a fabulous day today!
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Member Comments About This Blog Post
    I guess that is why I weigh every day. I cant stand not to. Might be foolish in some eyes, but I prefer that to the surprise that you experienced after a two week or so layoff. I like your blogs. They are honest and from the heart,
    1939 days ago
    Oh yeah! Sorry, I just remembered the other stuff.

    1) ADARKARA bought a happy light recently, and she really likes it. Since you work a lot of nights, I'd suggest looking into one. If you are getting depressed in part to lack of sunlight, it can really help. I know you are already taking vitamin D supplements, but happy light sounds helpful, too!

    2) Maybe you need a change of mindset if you feel like quitting. Of course, everyone is going to tell you not to give up. I'm going to tell you not to give up! And I know how exhausting it can be to feel like you are trying really hard, and not getting there as fast as you should. It is certainly frustrating when you lose so slowly you FEEL like you aren't getting anywhere. I've been there since OCT, but I've also dropped 10 lbs since DEC, and don't remember doing it. It adds up. keep fighting.

    It's far better to keep struggling than to just give up and gain more back. If you were to give up for say.. 4 months... at the end of those 4 months, you're just going to be sad and wonder what you could have accomplished if you hadn't taken that break. So keep pushing!

    Also.. only 200 cal for lunch? I know we all follow different programs, and we all have different calorie needs, but it really seems like a tiny lunch to me. I have a big problem with snacking, so I try to keep my meals around 400 cals lunch& dinner so I have room for a 100 cal ice cream after dinner and like 2-3 snacks between lunch& dinner. I've experimented with pushing lunch up to 500 to decrease the snacky snacky between the two, and sometimes I have luck with that, too.

    You keep mentioning that you've been overeating badly, but now I'm wondering where your calories are at. 835 for the day? Surely you mean before dinner, right? I know you are doing your own thing, and I am doing mine, but I am a little worried if that's your end total for the day. I've always read it's unhealthy for a woman to go under 1200 a day, so I'm hoping 835 is your pre-dinner number.

    I know you don't enjoy exercise. Even without it, though, you may be putting yourself into starvation if those are your goals! I don't mean to lecture. I'm just worried. If by overeating, you were pulling the crap *I've* been pulling lately, (2000-2400 cal a day, lol) then yeah, that's too much food :P But since I don't really have a lot of reference with your numbers, all I can do is worry and hope you aren't putting yourself into starvation mode :P I know that without the regular exercise, your only options are to make up the deficit through food, but if you are pushing food that low, it's not healthy.
    1940 days ago
    I was going to reply to your blog yesterday. I had a well-thought out reply composed on the bike and everything! After I got off the bike, though, I totally forgot and played videogames instead :P

    So, I'll reply today, and some of it will be dated since you've already updated us on the part time position! lol

    Yeah, retail sucks. I hated it. But I hated foodservice worse. If I had to pick up a job again, I'd definitely pick retail over food service. I have to wonder how bad a place like Lane Bryant can be, though. I have no work experience with specialty clothing stores. I worked at one of the campus cafeterias through college, then went to Hastings for a few years. (If you don't have one nearby.. it's video rental/ book sales, movie sales, games, CDs, etc. All entertainment stuff). I worked my way to the stockroom, because I hated dealing with foul smelling hobos that wanted VHS tapes of 80's porn they don't make anymore. Loved working the stockroom. No interaction with people :X (I heard stocker jobs at Target are AWESOME, but you are already working nights)

    After that, I worked at Gamestop for a few years. That was a lot of alphabetizing. It was ok most of the time, but I really hated dealing with a few select types of customers. The ones I always hated dealing with were the people that would try to sell back things that were not taken care of. Just totally trashed, filthy game systems, scratched games, etc. When I told them we couldn't take a playstation infested with spiders, or a Nintendo DS completly gummed up with pink goo, they'd pitch a b*tch fit at me, like it was my fault. Learn to take care of your stuff, people! No one wants to buy that!

    So yeah. I have no idea what sorts of frustrating experiences would be at a clothing shop. lol. If anything, I imagine that half the people that come into a plus sized shop are probably quiet and don't really cause drama over stuff not fitting because a good chunk of the clients there probably have self esteem issues I am very familiar with. I bet there are probably a few loud, rude people that insist they are 5 sizes smaller and get mad when it doesn't fit. That's the best I can imagine :P And unless these ladies come in with children, there's probably hardly any feces or urine in the changing rooms to clean up!

    Uh. I was going to comment on food and exercise and all that, but I forgot what I wanted to say because I got too sidetracked thinking about the times I had to clean bathrooms at Hastings. :X
    1940 days ago
  • TIG123GER
    Glad to see you figured out your's hoping you conquer that soon. I'm with you on trying to hit those elusive 180s - been stuck at 194 for about a week. It's the lowest I've been in MANY years but I want to break that 190 mark to truly feel like I've made good progress.
    1940 days ago
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