Tuesday, February 26, 2013
So disappointed in myself. So disappointed with my life. Feel so lost in my own life right now. My life has been stressful for the last 4 years, so nothing new that my life is stressful. But as each month goes by I am finding it more and more difficult to balance my life. I am to the point now that I feel like everything is completely out of control and I can't see how to change that. I don't feel like I have control over anything.
In 2011 I lost the last 30 lbs to my 60 lbs goal. And then I lost three more for a total 2011 loss of 33 lbs. I reached my 135 lb goal weight on Thanksgiving 2011. One year later, what did I way 162 lbs. Not good!!!! 2012 was a roller coaster not just for my weight, but also my life.
In the first three months of the year I gained 10lbs. Very stressful class, a death, and family health issues. Then I struggled to maintain that 10lbs until September. Then the true landslide began. I gained 30lbs from Sept to New years.
I struggled all year with staying consistent and keeping my motivation. And each time I feel off the horse I gained a little more back then I did the time before. And it just gotten plain out of control. I can no longer squeeze into the cloths I purchased at the end of 2011.
I became so overwhelmed with spending two hours each Sunday to portion and prep my breakfast, snack, and lunches for the week. My weekends are so hectic as it is, to squeeze that time in became to much. And I became overwhelmed with planning dinner and cooking dinner all the time. Always trying to come up with new ideas. Working out and eating healthy became a burden and a stressor. So I stopped both :(
Then about four weeks ago things really went crazy. I have had constant heartburn for the last month do to the stress, have had an upset tummy, and a constant mild headache. But last night I hit my breaking point. The stress finally got to much for me and my stomach was not only icky feeling but plain hurt so bad it doubled me over. I am fighting through my day fighting not to cry with every minute that goes by. I feel broke.
I am sorry for the downer blog, I usually try to be positive, but I have run out of that for the moment. I feel so alone and just at a complete loss.