Tuesday, February 26, 2013

So disappointed in myself. So disappointed with my life. Feel so lost in my own life right now. My life has been stressful for the last 4 years, so nothing new that my life is stressful. But as each month goes by I am finding it more and more difficult to balance my life. I am to the point now that I feel like everything is completely out of control and I can't see how to change that. I don't feel like I have control over anything.

In 2011 I lost the last 30 lbs to my 60 lbs goal. And then I lost three more for a total 2011 loss of 33 lbs. I reached my 135 lb goal weight on Thanksgiving 2011. One year later, what did I way 162 lbs. Not good!!!! 2012 was a roller coaster not just for my weight, but also my life.

In the first three months of the year I gained 10lbs. Very stressful class, a death, and family health issues. Then I struggled to maintain that 10lbs until September. Then the true landslide began. I gained 30lbs from Sept to New years.

I struggled all year with staying consistent and keeping my motivation. And each time I feel off the horse I gained a little more back then I did the time before. And it just gotten plain out of control. I can no longer squeeze into the cloths I purchased at the end of 2011.

I became so overwhelmed with spending two hours each Sunday to portion and prep my breakfast, snack, and lunches for the week. My weekends are so hectic as it is, to squeeze that time in became to much. And I became overwhelmed with planning dinner and cooking dinner all the time. Always trying to come up with new ideas. Working out and eating healthy became a burden and a stressor. So I stopped both :(

Then about four weeks ago things really went crazy. I have had constant heartburn for the last month do to the stress, have had an upset tummy, and a constant mild headache. But last night I hit my breaking point. The stress finally got to much for me and my stomach was not only icky feeling but plain hurt so bad it doubled me over. I am fighting through my day fighting not to cry with every minute that goes by. I feel broke.

I am sorry for the downer blog, I usually try to be positive, but I have run out of that for the moment. I feel so alone and just at a complete loss.

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    Thank you for your support! I feel so alone right now. I don't have any family support. It is just me and my husband trying to balance our crazy schedule and life. And lately we don't seem to be working as a team. So now I don't feel like I have his support either. I don't normally post things like this, but I am just feeling so alone and so lost and feel like I don't have anyone to talk to. Wrong place to vent probably, but I had to do something before I exploded.

    It helps to know I am not alone. I just can't do it all and I feel horrible. Thank you for your support!!!
    2206 days ago
    Bridgette, I know how you feel. When my kids were little, I reached that point and was completely out of control. I didn't want to get up in the morning, I felt like a horrible failure, I felt like I wasn't able to do anything for myself because of the demands of my job and wanting to get everyone in my family the quality time they deserved. And no one was able to help me because they just didn't know what it felt like and why I would be so stressed out. Those were really, really horrible times and I just can't believe I could hang on during that time. My family is great and supportive, but just knowing that no one could truly understand my feelings and my isolation within myself was just too much to bear. I did end up going to the doctor and went to counseling once a week for months. Just knowing that I wasn't crazy and that I wasn't being judged helped me to let go of a lot of extra garbage in my mind. For one, I was able to clean out the cobwebs in my mind of wanting to please everyone and I cut out stuff that made more work for me. My goal of perfection had to be readjusted too. At one point I actually threw my own mother out of my house after her continuous cheerfulness that I wasn't able to get it done by myself and her suggestive statements that she is the "better mother" to my kids. That was hard, but in the end it improved our relationship and established clear rules of what I was going to tolerate and what not. Oy. I wish I could help you out a bit. Please, if there is anything I can do for you, let me know. I hug you and hang on!!!!! emoticon
    2206 days ago
    I have not gone to the doctor, don't have the time for that. I think it is just my body reaching its limit on the stress it can handle. Pain has gone away. Still have heartburn, upset stomach, and just start crying for no reason for the last three days. Just can't seem to get a hold of myself. Today was a little better than the last two, so hopefully things will keep getting a little better each day. Thank you for your suppor!! I feel alone a lot.
    2208 days ago
    Bridgette I am so sorry that things are so stressful right now and seems so out of control there are no words that I can offer ot make things better I wish there was I'm very concern with you being constantly having pain I know stress can do horrid things to ones body Have you gone to your doctor? They maybe able to help with the pain in stomach and headaches

    2209 days ago
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