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Taking a Deep Breath

Tuesday, February 26, 2013

There were times yesterday when I literally felt short of breath. Unlike when I was heavy, I didn't assume I was having a heart attack. I knew it was stress, and I can handle that! Thanks for all the great comments, you are all so supportive and had so much to offer! At first when I heard the news (I think it will be one of those phone calls that will forever stay in your the one I got the night my mom died, or the one we got when hubby's lymph node biopsy for melanoma spread was negative), I wanted to curl up in a ball and get into bed, pull the covers over my head and sleep. That is my typical reaction. I wasn't hungry, which surprised me. I can eat through anything. But then I realized it is more important now than ever before that I stay slim and healthy to help him in his battle. So I had a very good day eating-wise, if in NO OTHER WAY, yesterday. I even walked the dog down the road. Got to keep the pounds off and stay strong for my wonderful hubby.

Several people said I need to stay strong for him, and I know that it is true. But it is so hard. He is the one who comforts me and gives me strength. As I said yesterday, he is my rock. Now I will need to be his rock.

I am impatient. Our first doctor appointment is almost two weeks away. There may be a CAT and PET scan scheduled first, they will call us. I want to get started fighting this Cancer right NOW. I did some Internet research and that scared me more than anything, so I don't know that I want to read that stuff anymore. The doctor's office is to send some booklets and suggestions of books we might want to buy or check-out. I know it's important to be knowledgeable. I want to have lots of questions to ask the doctor when we finally get to see him. I always imagine the worst, it's one of my many faults. I try to think positive but it's hard. That's why I want some answers immediately and that is not going to happen. I want to be able to stop worrying and feeling sick. I want that peace of mind I had just a few short days ago. I want to have him with me for at least 20 more years, so that we can enjoy some retirement time together. He has worked so hard for over 40 years, and deserves some time to enjoy life now. So I'm hoping he doesn't get robbed of that. Time flies by so quickly, and we all want more of it, in the end, don't we?
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Member Comments About This Blog Post
    I know this is so hard...and the waiting and weeks for tests and appointments is awful! Try to take one day at a time! You will be strong for him...but, like my husband, there are times he can come through for me, too, and it empowers him and makes him feel better! Take it as it comes and try not to think ahead...see in your minds eye what result you wish for and focus on it...
    Love & Hugs,
    1908 days ago
  • MYRTLE811
    You need to take this one step at a time; don't keep looking ahead, just day by day preparation and planning and think positive about it. Wait until you hear what your doctor team has to tell you about protocols and results; you don't know that will be bad news. They now have wonderful ways of helping with this form of cancer and can take care of it. You need to take care of yourself as well; you've been doing so well. Take time to breathe and enjoy one another. Talk it out together; he's probably so nervous inside; but men rarely reveal this. I hope that both of you together can get out your fears and face this together as a team. You seem to be strong people; you will do this too. I too have suffered with a cancer diagnosis; but I talked to a lot of people close to me to get out the junk that was corroding my insides; sometimes you need to say some awful frightening things and then it feels so much better.
    1909 days ago
    I'm so sorry to hear about your husband. My Mom was diagnosed with breast cancer over 2 years ago (at age 79). She's 2 years cancer free! I remember my sister telling me my Mom had cancer (it was right before Christmas) and then our first consultation with the doctors. It was very surreal. My sister's and I also scoured the internet for information. You have to be careful with that - you can find anything! My Mom's "cancer team" gave us a lot of good information and we tried to just stick with that.

    The thing I remember most during her treatment is my Mom's positive attitude. She's always been positive and I think this is what got her through everything. She's my Dad's rock and he had a harder time with it than she did.

    One thing my Mom always says is "take one day at a time"! Stay positive! Thoughts & prayers!!
    1910 days ago
    Prayers emoticon and emoticon coming your way!
    1910 days ago
    emoticon It's very normal to feel scared by all the uncertainties! Hang in there!
    emoticon emoticon
    1910 days ago
  • KANOE10
    I know how scary it is until you know what and how you are going to deal with it. I do recommend that you view all options and maybe seek toher opnions if needed. Our first dr was not as experienced. We went out of town to a specialist and am gald we did.
    1910 days ago
    When news like this arrives, we want answers and now. But it is hard to be patient.
    Waiting is the worst. Focus on staying healthy and strong. God will provide the strength you need to get through this.
    1910 days ago
    Prayers and more prayers.......

    Hugs and more hugs,
    1910 days ago
    Keep breathing and try to take it one day at a time. We're all here for yoU!
    1910 days ago
    1910 days ago
  • KERRYG155
    Great plan. You can do this for him as he's been there for you and you will do it well.
    1910 days ago

    Hi Pam. You're doing fine. Keep breathing and reading the doctor's suggested list. Believe he knows just what to do. Stay confident and stay true to your lifestyle. You have worked to hard to let fear take it away from you. Be serene or at least calm. It will take as long as it takes. Tomorrow will take care of itself.

    Love Gini emoticon
    1910 days ago
    You are NOT under the covers--although you have every right to be. This is a long haul--so just breathe deep and take it one step at a time. Make sure you are getting GOOD info from the internet and "people". Use us to vent, to scream, to worry--and then just give hubby the strong part of you.

    You have lots of support here--use it!! Hugs!!!
    1910 days ago
    Worrying is natural, it is healthy, it is nature's way of helping us prepare and plan for what might be- it is also part of the balance. The night skies are dark, black for a good reason - how else would you see the beauty of the stars? In much the same way you will come through this, you will learn to be the rock now - it is your turn, the sun will shine again and you will appreciate it even more. Together, we can get through this - you thought that you had friends here cheering you on with your weight loss and maintenance, with your NY trip and your magazine experience - how much more are you feeling the strength of your Spark friends and their prayers, their comforting hugs and thoughts, now .. yes you will worry, yes you will tear apart over and again .. yes, the not being able to start the fight yet is devastating .. but one day at a time and you will see more beauty in each day than you ever thought possible.

    Love, hugs and prayers
    1910 days ago
    emoticon emoticon and more emoticon
    1911 days ago
  • MARTY728
    emoticon emoticon emoticon emoticon
    1911 days ago
    So sorry about your husband (and your) battle with cancer. I wish you both peace and comfort and the insight to do what is best. And I'm looking forward to an eventual blog from you that your husband has been cleared and is as healthy as ever!

    Take care of you and your hubby!
    1911 days ago
  • CANNIE50
    "Worry does not help us cope with today, it robs us of our energy to cope with tomorrow". I don't blame you for being worried sick but I will pass on what someone once told me - "If you have the capacity to imagine the worst outcome, you also possess the capacity to imagine the best outcome." So, maybe, set aside some time to imagine the worst and how you will cope but then follow that up imagining the best outcome and how you will enjoy two or three more decades with the man you love. I agree with your conclusion that reading scary stuff on the Internet is probably not helpful to your state of mind. Your husband is surrounded by love and 21st century medical technology - a powerful combination. I am thinking of you and him and your family as you make your way through all of this. I love your determination to make yourself stronger so that you can cope, and be helpful to him. Bless you. emoticon
    1911 days ago
    It hits you hard, you are still processing the news.
    You will be his ROCK, Together you have gone through so much. Together you will face this and come out victorious. Be positive.
    Too much reading on possible serino's can be overwhelming.
    It sounds to me that this is a very early cancer, and the immediate need to rush into surgery is not there.
    Take a deep breath and breath. Know in your heart that everything will be OK.
    Think that all the days to come. Don't let negative come into your thoughts.
    Stay busy. Keep up your plan, exercise walk your dog. Have fun with the grandkids. LIVE Pam, and believe.
    Be strong, stay positive.
    Hugs Tisha emoticon emoticon emoticon emoticon emoticon emoticon
    1911 days ago
  • LINDAK25
    You have to take it moment by moment and stay focused on what is happening now. Don't get ahead of yourself. Both my Dad and my brother-in-law have been through this. Both of them had bad news along the way. With treatment, both of them are doing just fine and are cancer free! This is something you can't plan. You just have to get through it. There will be decisions along the way, but for right now treasure each other. Make sure you continue to take care of yourself. Getting enough sleep, eating right and exercising will help you handle the stress better.

    About 10 years ago I went through a very stressful time. What got me through was knowing that Jesus was there with me every step of the way. I was not alone. I had family to talk to and share my feelings with. On my walks I would work at relaxing my tense shoulders and tell myself to just let go of the worry. It helped. I realized was that I could cope. I was stronger than I knew.

    You can do this. Just take it one step at a time. emoticon
    1911 days ago
    I will continue to pray. And yes you are a strong woman to go through what you have already been through. I think your attitude about staying strong for him is the right one. Start keeping a paper journal and jot down your husband's thoughts as well. emoticon
    1911 days ago
    emoticon I love the sound of this Blog. I am not sure if you Truly BELIEVE It but You are a Strong Woman! I knew it before and I can hear it in your Blog today. You and Duane will be each other's Strength. You will both learn A Lot on this New Journey you are on. Write Down EVERYTHING that you want/need to ask at Every Appointment. Otherwise you can Count on forgetting Something Important.
    emoticon emoticon Praying Peace, Comfort, and Healing for You and Duane & for Wisdom for the Medical Team!
    1911 days ago
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