Day 252 - Victories and Struggles

Monday, February 25, 2013

Happy lunch to you guys, Sparklers!

As you guys may have seen from my previous blog - last night I had an epiphany and I had to declare it to the entire world. I'm a runner. Not a 'great' runner, or a 'talented' runner - but just a plain old runner. I run for fun and fitness. I like it.

Today as I walked in all I wanted to do was tell the world, "Guess what? I run!" Because, well, up until now I've felt like I had no right to say such a thing. I don't know what switch flipped inside my head - if it was the distance or the time; but, I feel like I'm 'real' now.

Saturday I did something completely unplanned - I ran the 10 mile Spring Thaw race. I hadn't planned to run it - and when the RRC's asked me about it in January I said "No, I don't think I'll be ready by then." Still, as time wore on and I've increased my distance I found myself flirting with the idea of running it. Then I saw the weather report. Then I got some fantastic feedback from other members of the club.

Then I ran it.

I didn't run quickly (probably a 12 minute mile pace); but, I ran it. I did the entire distance. I just zoned out and I did the best I could. I finished. I'm a runner. It's magic.

Though, I have to admit, I'm stuggling a touch. As proud as I am of being a runner - of the sheer accomplishment of running ten miles; I'm having a difficult time with body image. Lately people have been saying how good I look and daring to use the word 'skinny'; but, at 185 I feel so far away from skinny. I feel like I may as well still be 230lbs. and a size 20. Gosh, honestly, it's enough to make me paranoid.

I'll admit it, just like everybody else I want to be skinny. I want to be thin and graceful and all those feminine archetypes. I can't help it.

It makes me wonder, what if I can't get any lighter? What if I don't get any smaller? What if this is as good as it gets? Or, what if I -do- manage to get all the way down to 160 or 145 and I still feel this way?


Today is another off day following the unplanned 10-miler while I wait for my legs to rest up. I'm back on the run again tomorrow for about 3 miles or so. It's a light run week - which is a good thing :)
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Member Comments About This Blog Post
    Whenever my weight stalls for a few days I get that irrational fear that I can't go any lower which totally makes no sense because I wasn't always this weight. Games our mind plays with us tsk tsk.
    2425 days ago
  • no profile photo A_WISE_WOMAN
    Just looking at all the teams you belong to--you are so much more than a skinny (or not!) body! I think Pomato is right; instead of being down on your body, why not pamper it and show it how much you love it for being able to do all that it's doing? Seems that right now your thoughts towards your body are rather unloving. Act as if you love it, and it won't take too long before you do!
    2426 days ago
    Love this blog!! I hope to post similar news one day, that I just got up and ran a race!

    Good advice from your other commenters. And the people around you wouldn't say things if they didn't notice a change, so believe them!!
    2426 days ago
    Sounds like you need to go shopping. Seriously! I have my body issue days too sometimes, but taking a day to dress up nicely is sometimes all I need to feel better about myself. Chances are, you don't currently have many things in your closet that fit properly. Especially if one recalls your track record with underwear. :X. You need one feel-good outfit. Something you can put on and go out in and have all the old men hit on you! Nothing perks a day up and makes you feel sexy quite like lots of old men hitting on you. ( well, it works for me, at any rate)
    2426 days ago
  • 1EMMA2011
    So happy for you! Knowing who you are makes all the difference!


    2427 days ago
    Enjoy everything you do that is positive and productive and makes you happy! emoticon
    2427 days ago
  • RX_2_RV
    Body image is a strange animal. Sometimes it takes awhile for our mind to catch up with the reality of the situation. It goes both ways...some overweight people perceive themselves as thinner than they actually are and some people who have lost weight perceive themselves as heavier than they actually are. Google "body image weight loss" and you will find some links that show that you are not alone.

    My best advice would be to take some time to soak in the positive things friends and family have been a mini visualization exercise...let yourself FEEL and acknowledge the POSITIVE things they say as true. Or, if you are more analytical, make a list of the non-scale victories you have noticed and the positive statements others have made.

    Wishing you continued success in your journey to health!

    2427 days ago
    Fantastic job Miss Runner...10 miles is great!!!! emoticon It's funny how it takes your mind so much longer to catch up to where your body is. Enjoy peoples compliments....take them in and believe in them....eventually your mind will follow...and you will not only be a accomplished runner....but a LEAN mean running machine! emoticon Have a great spark-day!
    2427 days ago
  • COOP9002
    Enjoy the light run week. Sounds like you've earned a break.
    2427 days ago
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