Not Doing So Hot

Monday, February 25, 2013

First of all I'm really sorry for not keeping up with everyone's blogs and such the past few days. Things have been... crazy. I'll do my best to catch up very soon!

I'm sad to say that I'm not doing so well. I've been a bit depressed for some unknown reason. And of course that means I've been doing horribly with food. I've been so down and ashamed I haven't stepped on the scale in a week and two days. I'm really losing it, I'm afraid. :(

Things have just become a little too hard to handle. I feel like I spend a lot of time at work that's too draining for the weekends to make up for, and things are going down about a second job. My old boss at Lane Bryant offered me a part-time job in the morning for seventy-five cents an hour more than what other part-timers are offered (which is good, I suppose, even if the standard for retail where I live is minimum wage). Honestly I really, really, REALLY don't want to go back into retail, and I'm afraid adding the extra four hours to my work day is going to absolutely DRAIN me like never before. But then again the money would be enough to offset the damage of my car payment and I could get my original debt repayment plans about 80-90% back on track. That's the point to having a job at all, right?

*Sigh* Either way I'm due to sign the employment papers tomorrow around lunch time, so I guess the decision is made whether I like it or not. Maybe it will be better than I remember; after all this go round I'm not a manager and can always shrug off the more annoying stuff, and it's not like my hours are going to be totally random (it HAS to be in the mornings). I guess if it totally blows I guess I can always quit, right?

Hopefully I'm just being pessimistic because of this whole depression thing.

So yeah, back to the food. Today I managed to keep it under 1600, but that was about 80 calories over my range. It's still pretty stellar compared to the day before, where I ate sushi, tempura shrimp, a medium Pachiugo gelato, two beers, three amaretto sours, veggie tacos, and sweet potato fries. Ugh. It seems like the worse I'm feeling and the harder it is for me to hold things together, the more I want to fall back on the emotional comforts of eating and therefore my resolve is just gone. I honestly don't know what to do to get back on track - usually the excitement of legitimate progress of weight loss is enough to motivate me, but since I've been plateauing since November it's like, what's the point? Lose a pound or less in a month? It's soul-crushing.

Soul-crushed. For some reason that seems like a perfect way to describe my life right now... and I don't know why! It's not like something traumatic or awful has happened to me recently. It's weird and I can't describe it. I just hope that this goes away soon. Hopefully the second job improves things rather than make them worse. Burning on my feet for four hours will burn some extra calories, right? Right?


I'm sorry for being so down. I know I'm being a big whiner, and that there's nothing productive out of this attitude, especially since there's not a lot of proactive "how am I going to fix this?" in me. For once I just don't feel it, you know?

Hopefully this blog gives me a kick in the pants that I need.

I hope that everyone is having a great start to their work week, and that everyone had a great weekend!
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Member Comments About This Blog Post
    I know the car/debt thing is making you stressed out, but I would suggest you stop and really thing about it. Will it make you happier to have the part-time job and the money to pay off your debt faster? I know sometimes we have to do things we don't want to do to get by, but if it's something that's going to make you feel worse in the long run and it isn't absolutely necessary, maybe you should reconsider. Or at least make it a temporary gig until you can build up some savings and pay off a little debt. It sounds like your current full-time job is pretty draining for you mentally, and adding more work hours to that likely isn't going to help.

    It sounds like you are kind of in the same rut I've been in the last few months. I've kind of felt like a hamster running to death on a wheel going nowhere :( Nothing really traumatic happened to me either. I just felt really down and out in January, and it's been a slow climb out of that. The thing that seemed to help me is the thought process of changing how I eat and exercise to focus on my health and mental well-being rather than necessarily looking at the scale. I know empty carbs and junk just make me cycle further down into depression, so I focus on trying to eat better foods because I know they will make me feel better. I focus on exercise because I know it does de-stress me.

    Is the scale moving much? Nope. Do I still have bad moments? Sunday evenings are the biggest battle for me because B leaves and I'm about to start a new week. No food is safe from me on Sundays. BUT I'm having more good days than bad at this point, and that's what I try to focus on. I know that eventually the clouds will lift and I'll get out of this funk. Then I can really focus on calories and dropping more weight. But for my own depression, I know that I need to focus right now on healthy eating, exercise, and on the positives (like how I can jog across the Sam's Club parking lot with a cartful of cat litter for no reason than to just do it) of me now vs. me almost 50 pounds ago.

    Try to focus on things that will help you feel not so soul-crushed. Maybe the scale isn't the answer right now. Maybe it's just exercise. Or eating healthy. Or getting a "happy light" (I suffer from SAD a lot and this does help). Or finding something new and fun to do like a dance class or a new hobby.

    I hope it improves soon and I'm sorry you're struggling with this!
    1915 days ago
    Hi Jordon,
    Sorry to hear that you are struggling. Its common to be depressed in winter time but there are things you can do to help bounce you back.
    * Research on the internet foods that help relieve depression. They are healthy food and will work great with your SP diet program.
    * Get blue light bulbs and put them around you. Spend time outdoors - 15 min or so - even when it is cloudy.
    * Cut out the alcohol, as it only hurts depression.
    * Get moving - park far away from the mall, walk the mall during breaks, plan for some stretching at the end of the day when you wind down.
    * Keep being social. Find the joy in living and looking forward to new activities and experiences. Maybe the second job will help with that. You didn't need more time at home alone.

    If you put these measures into practice, you should start to feel better in about 2 weeks. If not, you should talk to your doctor.
    The SP team members are here to encourage you along your journey. There is alway hope. Emotions come and emotions go, then a new day dawns with opportunity. Live your life to the fullest. emoticon
    1915 days ago
    It sounds like your having a really hard time right now! I am so sorry to hear how depressed you are. If your not feeling better soon you may want to visit your doctor. Hope things start looking up for you soon! emoticon
    1915 days ago
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