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God is healing my heart

Saturday, February 23, 2013

While I am turning a new chapter in my life trying to be the girl I deserve to be and be happy, I feel like im in a foreign land. i always settled for making everyone else happy.
I've never allowed myself to be truly happy, ive always just accepted the *leftovers*
It feels strange. It feels wrong, it feels like im a terrorist and in a war and just waiting for someone (life) to shoot me down again.
I've let lifes pain tear me down slowly over the years making me feel unworthy or anything really. i settled because i figured its what i deserved because in my mind if my parents couldnt be good to me, who else should be? if my parents couldnt love me the right way then how could i love me? if my mom would stay with a man who abused me over having me back how could i forgive her? how could i love someone that did nothing but hurt me for all but the last 5 years of her life? how could i forgive someone who molested me and love them and welcome them in my life, surely i thought something must be wrong with me to still love my parents and want them to love me back and want them in my life...right? WRONG WOW was i ever wrong. i take the few good years i had with my mom over all the bad. my dad was a complete jerk all my life even up until the day my mom died, even after my mom died, even until this when he FINALLY said he was sorry for what he did when i was a a broken person....we are all broken in our own ways.
most of us wont admit it tho.
most of us wont admit that we have done bad things because we felt we got a get out of jail free card, right?
well i did, ive hurt people, ive stole, ive pretended to be others i wasnt. ive been a crappy person because i was hurting and didnt know how to heal and didnt think i was worthy of anything but pain, but that was all in the past. im not ashamed of what i did because i was younger and i cant change the past.
i am ashamed however that i wasted years of my life being angry at my parents blaming them for sins when i was just as much of a sinner.
In gods eyes a sin is a sin, and i was to focused on my hurts to see that my parents were only human and i was so young and had no one and that is how i dealt with my hurt.

God knows that I am weak and empty and am nothing without him and he knows im on ground zero with my life and my emotions and i believe that he is working great things for me and for my life.

i also believe that the things in the past that destroyed me were sent to build me into the strong wonderful person i am now. without them i couldn't be a vessel. i couldn't be so strong.

God and my grandma are all I have had... in the past I would have sat there and cried and said well that's not enough for me. I would have went out of my way half pretending to be someone i wasn't to get the attention of a guy to make them fall in love with me long enough for me to try and control them because that is what hurt people do, they want to control everything because they have no control over anything. wanting to fill that emptiness when i knew they would never fill it with their love. only i could mend me.

Anyhow here I am....Emptied it all out to God... feeling weird being myself and open and naked with him. I've always been naked to God, he has always seen me the good the bad but i was to ignorant to see that.
I feel my heart is healing of the past. I feel that great things are ahead for me in life and I feel beautiful inside and out for probably the first time in my life I have the confidence to do things i never would have dreamed of deserving.
I feel God is giving me the life that i always deserved but I never allowed myself to beleive that i was worthy.
I feel like God will give me great things and that i have a greater purpose in my life and most importantly for the first time in over 15 years i feel loved and not just someone overlooked for something better and i cry even as i write this because its a very emotional ride to let it all go to God.
But Im so glad that I have that chance to heal.
Thank you God for giving me healing in my heart. I realize that this healing is a work in progress because it has taken years and years to put it there but i know now that its okay to trust you and its okay to fall because i know you will catch me.
thank you.
im ready for life a real life of being me, being whole, being happy. one day at a time things get better. thank you god for making me so strong and beautiful inside and out.
im glad that you gave me every trial i have faced its made me strong for you.
thank you thank you thank you
thank you God for finally making me see that I am more than the hurt abused girl who used the pain from my past as an excuse to hide away and keep myself from the future.
No longer will i let what others have done to me control what i think of myself.
thank god for opening my eyes finally and seeing the only person effected was me, my abuser still goes on happily, im the one who poisoned myself for his crime.
time to bend those bars away and love me like god loves me.
being broken stinks but at least i know i can be whole in other ways.

im not going into this now ive vented on it in the past and i dont care to uproot old wounds.
With God i can forgive all. I can be happy. I can have peace with my moms death. I can move on with everything I hope I can finally be free to soar??

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Member Comments About This Blog Post
    Our God can heal and you are definitely a living witness to what He can do. He is not dead - nor idle - nor un personal - He is a living God who is our Savior and Lord and Friend and He is very close at hand.
    Thank you for sharing.
    1915 days ago
    You are blessed!
    1915 days ago
    emoticon emoticon emoticon
    1915 days ago
  • ANYVAR54
    Thank you for sharing with us, and being vulnerable. It is hard to do that. To share openly, even in a place such as SP where you are in a face to face situation. I pray that the Lord will continue to show you how he is healing your heart, and how much He loves you, and how much He has paid for you to know how really beautiful you are. You are a treasure to the Lord. You are a princess to the King of Kings.
    1915 days ago
    It sounds like you have come a long way. I once heard someone say that only through the scars/pain in our own life, we are able to inspire others and make a difference in this world. It reminded of that, and how even though we don't why God allows certain things to happen, He still loves us and guides us through. Thank you for sharing this blog. You are a beautiful person, and I'm glad that you are finding peace. emoticon
    1915 days ago
    You are definitely on the right path! Its a hard difficult. Process but it is so wo emoticon emoticon emoticon rth it!

    1915 days ago
    God loves you and has a good plan for your life. The old is gone and the new is waiting for you to embrace it and walk through the door to a happy, healthier you! When we forgive those who have hurt us what we are really doing is breaking the chain that has chained the hurt to us. It frees us as well as that other person, but most importantly it releases us to be who God created us to be. We are created in His image and likeness with His ability to love, not only ourselves, but others. May you walk freely into this new life that He has planned for you. Look straight ahead; don't turn around and look behind you. There is nothing there for you to go back to, but there is everything for you to go ahead to!

    God bless you!
    1915 days ago
    thank you for sharing, what a beautiful testimony of God working in & through you. You ARE a gem! You are His, shining brighter and brighter each day. I'm sorry for the painful hard things you've gone through. I came across the verse today in Ephesians that says to thank God FOR all things. I thought of the hardships I've endured and I just thought God, how? And prayed He'd give me a glimspe of how I could thank Him for pain/suffering....and here, God gave me a glimspe...through you dear Spark friend! Thank you God for bringing you through this day....these years...the pain, the hardship, and bringing you to this point of healing and forgiveness. What a beautiful testimony & inspiriation you are! A fragrance of true beauty! Sending love! emoticon
    1915 days ago
    One thing I am learning is that my online friends are just as real to me as my in-person friends. So, you have friends here too and I hope you feel our support. The best to you with all your goals here in SP and have a GREAT weekend! emoticon Chelsea
    1915 days ago
    You could have been me several years ago. It has taken me years to get to a point where I was able to let everything that has happened to me in the past go. It is difficult letting go and letting God work in our life. You are very correct that those who are hurting and have no control want to control everything in their lives. But, I have learned the hard way that I could not and that the only thing I can control is myself and how I react to things. I am glad you are giving it up to the Lord and letting Him carry these things for you. Sometimes our load is too heavy and it is good to have someone help us through the bad times and is there for the good times as well. You will only get better from here. May God bless you always. emoticon
    1915 days ago
    You have a nice blog
    1915 days ago
    You do have a purpose and you will continue to improve; the mere fact that you write so well proves inspirational to all who read your story! emoticon It just so happens that today; I also read the article on expressing gratitude and how through counting our blessings on a regular basis improves our mood and levels of health and happiness. These are boosted even more when we express our appreciation and gratefulness as you have. Stay well, keep going and I know that God will continue to Bless! Have a wonderful day! emoticon
    1915 days ago
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