Saturday, February 23, 2013
My fiancé and I have been living together for about seven years now. He had just gotten out of the navy, and was about 190 at six feet tall. I can't figure out what I weighed at the time. I've always had an obsessive relationship with the scale, so I couldn't have one in the apartment. I was a size 16 though, and was going to the gym about twice a week. He and I were friends before he went into the navy, and remembers being surprised that i had developed a belly bump while he was away. I am going to guess that I was a 12 or 14 when we first met. Maybe I was at 160?
Going through high school I remember feeling like one of the heavier girls, typically a size 11 or 13. I don't remember being in single digit clothing. Even in middle school I remember having "pretty plus" clothing. My mother was a yoyo dieter: weight watchers, deal a meal, Richard Simmons. She was never happy with her figure, and I was never happy with mine.
I had and have some social anxiety about "standing out" in public, especially if being asked to do a physical task. Every time I enter a new situation, I scan the room to see if I am the largest person there.
My fiancé and I were pretty active when we were first dating, lots of hiking and geocaching. Our work schedules shifted and we did not have a shared day off for three years. This, as you can imagine, put an end to any shared daytime activities. Then I started my graduate program part time, while working full time. We spent even less time together and we both continued to grow. He is now at about 280 and I got up to 232.
I finished my graduate program and got a daytime Monday through Friday job, and he proposed. He also got a new position Monday through Friday, so we have shared weekends off for a few months now. We are rediscovering the weekend world together!
Over Black Friday shopping, he mentioned that we should really get some new towels. Half of our towels were a gift from my passed grandparents for a high school graduation gift for my college use. The other half he bought when he got back from that navy. Needless to say they are tired looking. Not threadbare, but frayed at the edges and torn here and there. I agreed, but then he said it..."we should get bigger towels"
Woah, that hit me hard. Those same towels that used to encircle me completely when I walked from the bathroom to my room in the dorm at size 12 were not doing the job completely at size 18w. We had become too fat for our towels.
That was one of many signals that brought me back to spark people and got me signed up for a challenge at the gym. Starting this new chapter in our relationship and working to start a family is an opportunity to make a positive change. To rededicate ourselves to the activities that drew us together, and to create healthy habits that we can pass to our future-maybe-one-day children. My dress size on my wedding day isn't what keeps me going back to the gym, and meal planning - I do not want our married life to be a plus sized life.
Whoever you are, no matter where you are starting, don't let those "woah" moments suppress you. Take them as an invitation to start again, encouragement to push yourself, and fuel to do it again the next day.
We are going to be married in May, and we are going to have standard towels.