I have 'Destination Constipation'

Friday, February 22, 2013

I always have these little, well, I'll call them 'fuzzy thoughts' when I think about where I am going this time around. I know I am doing well and plan for the motivation to continue.

I have a great memory and have vivid dreams about my past and where I want to be. I also, however have many fears in my fuzzy thoughts that creep up and keep me thinking a lot. These thoughts are mostly concerns about the future state of my body. I have destination constipation - an unclear path to my goal.

All these "things" that I have like chronic back pain, weird skin things and dryness that I never had (maybe from too much crap, etc.), and foot tenderness after a long walk are concerning me in these fuzzy thoughts. I think "OK, I am going to try my hardest to do my best and get to my HS weight or at least something appropriate and healthy for my physique 30 years later. What happens though (and this is where those fuzzy thoughts keep coming in - and it IS SOOOOOO annoying) , is that I think and talk to myself about when I reach my goal physique what happens if I STILL have those aches, pains and perhaps additional ones? I think that aging is getting to me. I feel guilty about waiting all these years to do this, my son is 16 - had limited activity with me due to my weight (no football, etc.), my family has been on me to do this for as long as I remember and I have let them down.

In my fuzzy thoughts, I am already talking myself AWAY from my goal by injecting negativity into my plan - indirectly, but nonetheless, a distraction to me and my plan. I am still on the wagon and intend to stay on; that is the good news. The bad news is I can't seem to squash these negative thoughts or at least negotiate some reality with myself - all or nothing with me.


Then I go on to think about all the things that I CANNOT do now and present my plan with all the 'what if' scenarios. I know I am a drama king and worry, but I don't know how to change this permanently or at least for the majority of the time - sometimes it's good and other days, I get terrified that all my work (albeit awesome!) still did not reverse my issues.

I already know that I'll get blasted by SP friends about this; but it's OK since identification and admission is the first step to understanding mental concerns. Does any of this make sense?! AH!!!!!!!!

1. I can't comfortably get on my knees?
2. I can't pick up things from the floor or ground without asking for assistance?
3 My knees are damaged and still have pain and limitations doing simple tasks?
4. What if I still can't get off the chair or couch without leaning for support or asking for help?
5. I still can't breathe with ease while sleeping - did I permanently damage my heart/lungs?
6. I still can't tie shoes like a normal person?
7. I am not consistently happy?
8. Cannot jog or partake in running as I used to do and love?

In my heart, I know all will be well (writing helps me realize this), but at night and particularly when I exercise and experience my limitations, those negative thoughts and concerns rule my workout and sometimes get me down. Maybe in time, I will see the light...

I hope so.

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Member Comments About This Blog Post
    I simply want to cheer you on! GOOOOOO You are on the right path! Believe in yourself and take every single day as a new start!
    emoticon emoticon emoticon emoticon
    1883 days ago
  • _BABE_
    I understand you may have regrets for not getting to this sooner but that can't drag down your efforts today. If you don't do something now then in 5 years the situation won't be any better and you will be having the same dialogue/ conversation at 53.

    I have a theory that the universe give us hints on what we need to do...nudges at first, a little shove maybe if we don't pick up on the clue and then it gradually gets to a kick in the butt. I,too am at some kick in the butt stages...why oh why did I leave it so long that now my knees are shot....why oh why did I leave it so long...I never had pain in my feet until this summer...etc etc. REGRET CITY

    The bad news is that we can't get back that valuable time. The good new is that 20 (30 really from my all time high) pounds down and my feet feel better already... for a short period I felt like I could not get comfortable in bed....it's improved and I sleep better. My doc says when I get to 275 lbs he will replace my knee if I still want it ( I think he's figured out it will feel better and I will be able put that off)

    So Dave...let me answer some of your What IFS with a great deal of certainity.

    AT 200 WHAT IF:

    1. I can't comfortably get on my knees? I know thin people who can't kneel down...things happen...you are close to 50...but its got to be better than now.

    2. I can't pick up things from the floor or ground without asking for assistance? Your back is working overtime to compensate if you get to 200 lbs...do you seriously think that it won't improve dramatically?

    3 My knees are damaged and still have pain and limitations doing simple tasks? Again the knees may not get back to marathon status but every pound off that is not putting pressure on your joints is a triumph.

    4. What if I still can't get off the chair or couch without leaning for support or asking for help? I think in 25 more pounds this will improve...let alone 125lbs

    5. I still can't breathe with ease while sleeping - did I permanently damage my heart/lungs? Sleep apnea should improve dramatically as your shirt collar gets smaller in the mean time get a CPAP machine so you can sleep and rest and feel refreshed for a new day MAN.

    6. I still can't tie shoes like a normal person? I can only think the back will improve dramatically..if I was a betting person

    7. I am not consistently happy? Who is consistently happy? lol huh??? If your limitations were a drag before then taking away those said limitations should help in the happy department.

    8. Cannot jog or partake in running as I used to do and love?
    Things change....and like everyone has said...they have got to be better...nothing is ever the same minute to minute let alone having any expectations that we can ever be the person we were 25 years ago.

    Let's hope life experience has made you better! emoticon
    1883 days ago
    What can I say? Well I have those thoughts too. When I started to exercise, I would do 2 mins of walking and I couldn't breathe, i was sweating and had to have a shower, my feet hurt the rest of the day.

    Then i got to 5 mins, 10 mins, 15,20 ...now I don't have sore feet, I can touch the floor when I bend over, hey!!! I can bend over. Now I'm at 60 mins of Zumba on expert/hard, twice a day and lots of walking all my tests are looking good. I've come along way...but I still have the what ifs....I think of all the times I failed to keep going for what ever reason and that it might happen again, so I better not expect in case it doesn't work out.

    But hey... that's so wrong, what you have started WILL MAKE A HUGE DIFFERENCE TO YOUR LIFE... and your blogs of all those different feelings are there for you to remember the stages you took to get there.

    you are a great inspiration because you can verbalise the stages you go through...

    Keep blogging we all need it...:)
    1883 days ago
  • FIREFLY4407
    It sounds like what you are describing is the risk associated with this journey. Will the reward be worth the effort? Keep in mind though that risk has not only the component of "what is the severity of the bad thing that may happen", but also one of "what is the likelihood of occurrence of that bad thing".

    So in looking in your three go forward options of:
    - lose weight
    - gain weight
    - stay the same weight

    I think it is fair to say that any worst case scenario you can think up is POSSIBLE under all three of those options, but I think it is also fair to say that the LIKELIHOOD will be least likely if you take the weight off.

    Of course this little exercise doesn't mean a whole lot because we're talking about a person here - you - and of course you don't want to be disappointed by not reaching your desired "after" state - however you have defined it for yourself. It is so easy to get caught up in all or nothing thinking - it really requires a fight to break out of. Keep track of all the little improvements you will see as your fitness gradually improves. The issues and limitations you are living with now are unlikely to improve if you choose the stay the same or gain weight options. But chances are quite good that they will improve as the weight comes off. No matter what you WILL be in a better place 1 year, 5 years, 20 years down the road by heading in the healthy lifestyle direction now. You can do this!!
    1883 days ago
    Doubts & fears are something that happen to us all. Some can be good, some can be paralyzing. It's probably some defense mechanism meant to keep us from changing out of our comfort zone.

    It's an emotional thing that reason may or may not change, but I've always used reason to help me out of these dilemmas.

    I smoked for 25 years and have probably done some damage. But today i am taking steps to make up for, maybe even reverse it, by doing hard cardio. I was overweight for many years and did some serious injury to my joints. i had a hip replaced in 2010.

    Like KingSlayer said, even if you have the same issues at 200 lbs, you're still down to 200 and that can only help you get healthier.

    Stay Strong!
    1883 days ago
    Dave, I understand the "fuzzy thoughts" you're having, I have them as well sometimes. You talked about how many years people were on you to lose the weight, how you couldn't do a lot of things with your son, etc. Well, do you own a time machine? No? Well then you can not change the past, and since you can't change it there is nothing to be gained at all by lamenting it. Instead praise yourself for not letting the situation simmer any longer than you have, celebrate the fact that you have found the inner fortitude to make the changes necessary to live a healthier life.

    Second, you mention a list of "what if's". What if you can't do those 8 things that you list when you reach 200 lbs? Well, I would say that even if you can't do those things at 200 lbs, don't you think that you'll still be better off than not being able to do them at 300+?? On top of that, neither you nor I know what you will be able to do or accomplish once you get down to where you are comfortable, so you will just have to get down to that weight and see what you CAN do.

    You're a lot like me, I have driven myself nuts over many topics playing the "what if" game. But honestly we're better off forgetting about all that stuff. You can't plan for what you don't know! Accept that these feelings exist for you, accept that you are a "worrier" but try to not let these thoughts occupy too much of your time. Keep doing what's working and let the chips fall where they may. You will be better off by a huge margin at 200 lbs than you are today, no matter what.
    1883 days ago
  • WAYNE1997
    Hey Mr. Dave,

    Thank you!! I really appreciate your honesty! Your blog is refreshing in the sense of a statement of realness that many face in the process of losing weight. I am no counselor, but I don't think you should try to squash your negative thoughts. I think you should talk and discuss the thoughts and give them some credit for feelings and concerns that a part of you really has. However, don't stop there, but gently tell you thoughts that the journey you are on will make things better and the journey is worth it. I too have pains and aches like really sore feet. I did go to a great shoe store and the manager there suggested some inserts for my shoes and this really helped. It did not end all the pain for me but made a difference. I want you to be gentle with yourself as you continue on your journey. I too, want to remember to talk to myself as if I were talking to my best friend as I continue on the journey. My brother read about another man's journey and I looked it up. It is a cool success story. Check it out below --


    tion_articles.asp?id=1390 is a link to an article and video on SP about me.


    Thought I would rewrite my intro to go along with my new profile picture.

    I started in January 2007 at 370 pounds the highest I ever weighed in my life. I had a huge IBS problem which left me feeling horrible all the time since I refused to stop eating those foods which caused it to make me feel so bad. I said to myself that I give up the IBS wins I will stop eating these foods and I did.

    So by May 2007 I was down around the 330 range just by not eating these foods and trying to eat regularly, especially breakfast. I was not really into it but I felt better, so I stuck with it.

    Then that May 2007 my best friend from high school's dad suddenly passed away. He was like a second father to me and his death hit me hard. It forced me to go back to my hometown of Omaha, NE for the funeral and to see so many people I had not seen for 15 years, many of who I did not think I wanted to see. The funeral was really inspiring for my 2nd father had come from a very large family and was the oldest boy who became a doctor and a lawyer. His brothers and sister spoke of how he always saw the potential in people and how he always wanted to bring that out and see people succeed in life. They said if you were a friend of the family you were part of the family. I also ran into many people I went to high school with and they remembered me for the person I was in high school, still overweight but a great athlete and person. They spoke stories about me that I thought no one knew about or even cared, but all these guys did! And it was like it was my funeral for who I was and what I had become trapped in.

    I returned home deeply hurt and inspired and then something clicked in my head. I focused my pain and mourning into the inspiration and told myself I was going to do it. I did not know how but I knew I was not going to let this pass me by, like I had done so many times before.

    So I started off by eating healthy, making sure I ate breakfast lunch and dinner. This was something I had not done since I was a 15 years old, mainly for 15+ years I would never eat breakfast, hardly ever eat lunch and then especially in the past 6 only eat after I got home from work, and by then I would be so hungry that is all I would do until I went to bed.

    check out his page for the rest -- it's worth it!!

    1883 days ago
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