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I think I'm ready to date - until someone asks...

Friday, February 22, 2013

So I got asked out tonight. Sort of. And I can't decide if I actually want to go.

See I had joined that Meetup.com figuring I could use it to meet new people, get out of my rut, expand my horizons, and start enjoying life. If you're not familiar with the site it's where people can post and plan meetups for people with something or other in common so people can just meet new people, make new friends, get out and do things. There's a lot of lonely people in this world!

Anyway, some guy saw me join a group the other day and left a note saying 'welcome to the group'. So I wrote back 'thank you' and thought nothing more of it. It's like SP a bit in that total strangers just say hello. Anyway, then this evening I get an email from him saying he was reading my profile (and keep in mind, this is a generic profile - NOT a dating profile - it says things like these are my interests, I'm looking for new friends to do xyz etc.) anyway he thought we had some things in common. He noticed that I was also a member of a singles meetup group (this group we 'met' in was just a generic group for our city) and he was wondering if I wanted to just meet for coffee. If I felt it was too forward then no worries but he likes to act on things when they come across to him.

So at first I was thinking wtf, this guy is a whack job, he knows nothing about me and has only seen one picture from the shoulders up which is all that's on there. Then I was thinking but then again, you could meet someone in a grocery store lineup with about the same amount of information and it wouldn't seem as strange for them to ask you for coffee.

I mean, I joined this site to meet people and hopefully to get me out doing things and interacting with people and maybe meet some men. I haven't dated in years - mostly to do with dealing with my depression. I didn't think I had anything to bring to the table but the more time I spent alone, the more depressed I got and well, it's a vicious cycle. Just joining this meetup was a big step. I haven't actually GONE to any of the meetups yet! I haven't had the courage!

And now this person, who may or may not be completely insane, but let's pretend he's normal wants to have coffee. And where does my brain go? Well if I agreed what happens if he shows up and thinks 'whoa, she's way bigger than I thought from the photo' or he sort of likes me but then we spend some time together and he realizes how terribly out of shape I am that he doesn't like me or gasp god forbid I just wanna get some action but can't do it because I'm too sensitive about my body. Now see here folks - see how far I took that with one request for coffee? It's a terrible habit of mine - trying to decide from a photo and the answer to 5 simple questions whether I can see myself dating this person. HAHA. And you think he's crazy? I need to look under my own hood I guess.

Besides - what if I DO meet him for coffee and he's a freak or not attractive or just boring? I mean - the idea that he's 10 years older than me weirds me out already!

But then again - it's just a freakin cup of coffee and a conversation. He's not getting down on one knee with a rock in his hand now is he?

I'm so neurotic. What should I do?
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Member Comments About This Blog Post
    Go for the coffee! It's the fun thing about meeting in a public place - if you don't like him, you don't have to see him again
    1913 days ago
    You already have some great advice. Hope it is fun!
    1913 days ago
    I think SHIRAZSOLLY's advice is perfect! Be careful, but take the plunge and just try it...

    Of course, you don't know me from Eve, so who knows, I could be giving you bad advice! :)

    But seriously, it sounds like you want to but your fears are stopping you...and is that how you want to live? I think it's great that you've stepped outside your comfort zone and joined a meetup - maybe this is a good first step, no matter how it turns out.

    I got divorced after 20 years of marriage and dating made me nervous at first too. Unlike SHIRAZSOLLY, I haven't found someone yet who is right for me (I guess I'm getting picky in my old age!) but I haven't given up...and I totally understand ramping up all these thoughts and ideas about what might happen. It was definitely something that I've had to work on when I started dating (and still work on at times!): in my mind I would already be married and divorced again before the first date!


    PS I am subscribing to your blog because I want to know what happens!
    1913 days ago
    There's one more thing, too... that potential date's ten years older might be an advantage. Young men tend to have totally unrealistic ideas about what women should look like throughout their life spans. Somehow young men think all women should look like the ones on TV, who are thin, no matter their age, even though their own mothers and grandmothers have bellies and hips. A 40-year old man has been around and he knows better.
    1913 days ago

    Comment edited on: 2/22/2013 12:50:05 PM
    I thought my brain was the only one that went way out of control when something simple comes along....

    I say, don't pass it up...(this coming from another complete stranger)...

    I was never confident about my body, still not, but much more than I used to be...but why are you passing up an opportunity to meet someone who might be great (ok, he might be an axe murderer, just ask that to make sure he isn't before you meet up :)

    I missed a few great opportunities and a few really great friends in my li because I wouldn't take that chance....

    Go out there and live life!
    1913 days ago
    I like that you're getting out and about a little more, and going places with a group is definitely more comfortable than going it alone. Who knows who you might meet along the way?

    As for your coffee date, meet in a public place and don't worry so much about what he thinks of you. You are gorgeous, after all. Really! Find out what he thinks you have in common. It may not be love at first sight, but if you play it slow and get to know him as a friend first, you'll know if it has the potential to be more.

    If you get any weird vibes, tell him it's been fun, but you really have to go. Have an exit line rehearsed, something he probably wouldn't want to tag along on, like a co-worker in the hospital or a girls' night thing. Trust your instincts.

    It can take awhile to find the right person, and a large part of that is being the right person. There is someone out there right now searching for you, although he may not know it yet.
    1913 days ago
    I say meet the guy. If your heart's desire is to date and meet men, then you gotta date and meet men. He may not be a perfect profile of your dream guy, but you can go on an "interview" date and at least practice your dating skills a bit. You don't want to be the girl who hasn't been on a date in 10 years! If you go on this date, it breaks a dry spell and you will feel stronger about dating again.
    1913 days ago
    I'm right there with you! I am so SCARED to get out and start dating. BUT I have no qualms about internet as a media for meeting ppl--if you meet someone at a park or in a bar or in a coffee shop for the first time, and they ask you out, you don't know them either. The guy prolly just saw something on your profile or your pic that attracted him.

    Meeting at a coffee shop, to me, is a pretty safe bet. Its public, you have your own car, etc etc.
    1913 days ago
    This could be nothing more than flexing the buried social muscle, you never know. 10 years was pretty much the norm way back when:P. It can be scary getting out there again , out of the comfort zone you go girl!! I will hold off on buying a cyber dress for the wedding:)
    1913 days ago
    Go - you might have fun. It's only coffee not a marriage proposal. You can get up and leave after 20 minutes if it's awful - so that's not a lot of lose.

    I met my husband online and we are happily married for 8 years with two gorgeous kids - I never thought it would happen - but it did. You just have to be brave and have an open mind. Go looking for fun and nothing more - he may turn out to be a great friend - and we all need plenty of those.

    Good luck!
    1913 days ago
    Ha! Have I been there! I married early and divorced early and then after I moved out west just couldn't make myself take any more plunges. I think some of it was prior experiences not being so great and some of it was negativity about my own weight gain. Of course it's hard to say aloud that we deserve great guys when we're not SO sure we LOOK like we deserve them.

    You are clearly very bright but you cannot control what other people think.

    Most of the time when it really matters to me, I dress in my best colors (to flatter my own skin tone) and in clothes that actually fit me (rather than hide me and make me look sloppy). Once I get out my door, I just let my expectations and worries go. There's nothing I can do about what anyone else thinks about my looks at that point.

    My advice is: don't give him your phone number yet, but do meet him in a very busy place. Dress your casual best. Let your gut feelings tell you if you should give him your email address afterwards. But don't give him your last name yet or your phone number or your home address until you've had another interaction with him. Nerves and sexual attraction can both jettison normal sensible thinking. After a couple meetings, you will probably know what to do.

    By the way, I am now married - and happily so, to a man whose advances I tried to resist because he's 20 years older than I am. I almost never even met him at all because I was scared to even go into the building because it was crowded. I got out of my car, walked up to the door and turned around and got back in my car and drove away twice! Despite all my apparent attempts to subvert my own happiness then, people who see us two years after our wedding look surprised to see how happy we still are now. Our rabbi calls us the love birds and shakes his head with amazement. 20 years is a big difference, and we are also wildly different in personality, but within a few dates, we were inseparable.

    How will you know if it will happen to you unless you try? And if this guy doesn't work out, well, you've gotten out of the house and done some thinking about what you want and do not want for the future.

    Good luck and enjoy your coffee!
    1913 days ago

    Comment edited on: 2/22/2013 2:45:52 AM
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