50,000-59,999 SparkPoints 53,681

Someday, It Will Stop...Right?

Thursday, February 21, 2013

I've been mindlessly eating for months, now--as evidenced by my gain of 70 pounds. I know it's not healthy; I know I felt better in "the old me" (of ~130 pounds and healthy lifestyle); I know I did this once, and I can do it again....
Yep, I gave up a part of myself while I was hospitalized from "psychotic episodes" due to schizoaffective disorder. It's no delusion (pun intended) that I'm not who I had cultivated out of that last 70 pounds a few years ago; I'm a different person, and I have to start from here. I can't get back to what I was--I have to begin at the new starting line to find an even better me.
Even my delusions pivoted around food: eg. I ate very little-nothing because I was under the delusion that I was dead and didn't need food (hehe...on a brighter side, I left a bowl of food outside a friend's door because I thought she was a hungry ghost); as well as one or two other delusions that would just be superfluous here. So--it seems that I still have issues with food. Hopefully I can tackle them successfully this time around; hopefully I won't be afraid of getting fat anymore (after all, I've been there...twice).
My delusions not only pivoted, but were centered in my spirituality and religion (hungry ghosts, and all; though I'm not sure where that came from lol). So I know--and I really didn't need any delusions to tell me--that the fear of chastisment and judgment from my parents hangs out there, like a shadow...looming. I don't know what to do about that, except to get into a more spiritually nurturing environment; and I can't do that now--I don't have a job. I don't have any means to move out...HA--not only that--my parents don't even want me or my brother going out of state. "Family matters more than anything." What about the 'family' we find throughout life outside of our initial family? I think that's more important; with those people, I can grow and share myself openly. I'm sorry to say it, but with my parents, I'm subdued. Utterly. With my parents, I'm in a vicious cycle of can't / settles for less / hopelessness / can't / etc., which isn't healthy for anybody, no matter how much they love me in their way. Lessons are learned by moving forward, by setting a goal and taking a step--not by being stagnant, and allowing the currents to wash over you, drowning you!
So, when does it stop? I know it stops when I say it stops....
Share This Post With Others
Member Comments About This Blog Post
  • 123456789100
    I think I need to do a little clarification after thinking about it further. Leaving everything open like that was around my first suicide attempt and before I was part of the mental health agency I am now part of. I had previously seen a psychiatrist, but he let me go when I wasn't able to followhis suggestions.
    1941 days ago
  • 123456789100
    Hungry ghosts... That sounds like me, my parents were so upset at me, because I would leave all the windows and doors open if it was up to me and I was alone, because I thought they were signalling someone with the different colored lights in the two living room lamps. So I would turn on the holiday colored lights and open all the doors and windows, so that "the powers that be" could come and take me.. not safe, especially if I was in the house alone at night.. but I didn't know any better since I was so sick..

    There's a giving up of something.. some hopes and dreams, but there is also a rebirth.. that you can birth a more grounded, healthy, vibrant self.. you just have to keep on testing your boundaries slowly and gently.. tip toe fashion.. so you don't lose yourself again in what isn't

    I'm sorry your parents aren't supportive. Mine didn't know what to do with me, and eventually I had to find a different place to live. But most of the time when I was at home, I was on the wrong sort of medication because I was misdiagnosed. They thought that the psychotic features would sort themselves out if I ever got the depression under control, so I was on mega doses of anti-depressant.

    I hope you can find a respectful boundary with your parents.
    1942 days ago
    I can think of one verse from Psalm 23, that sticks with me in crisis times. I hope it could comfort you as thoughts inspired by it, have comforted me in times of stress that seemed insurmountable, both presently and in the past:

    "Yea, though I walk through the valley of the shadow of death,
    I will fear no evil: For thou art with me;
    Thy rod and thy staff, they comfort me.
    Thou preparest a table before me in the presence of mine enemies;
    Thou annointest my head with oil; My cup runneth over."
    1943 days ago
    and more

    1945 days ago
    Oh honey...sounds like you are still in a tough place. Sending love. I agree with SLASALLE, baby steps, a couple at time and lots of self-love. You've been through a lot...and it will get better again.


    1945 days ago
    Remember, baby steps. You can't do everything at once. It sounds like you know what you need to do and now it's just a matter of timing. Pick one small thing to work on first and go from there.

    In the meantime, give yourself a great big hug for all you've been through and the many awarenesses you've gotten from the experiences!

    Take care ...

    1945 days ago
  • Add Your Comment to the Blog Post

    Log in to post a comment

    Disclaimer: Weight loss results will vary from person to person. No individual result should be seen as a typical result of following the SparkPeople program.