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This week and next is always the hardest on me my days are filled with memories leading up to Amanda

Thursday, February 21, 2013

Two things happened today my only niece was born today she's 7. Amanda got her pictures taken at picture people two days before her death. I have never walked into a picture people again since her death. Part of me thinks that if I take the kids that I have alive now there to get pics done they'll die later that week. She was supposed to have a doctor apt the morning that she died in our house. She had 8 cysts in her brain before she left NICU but the docs refused to put a shunt in partly because we only had Medicare and partly because they were hoping it would resolve itself in 6 months. Saturday is my nieces birthday party which well go to bit I can never get close to my only niece idk what it is a week after Amanda died we buried her. I know I should be thankful for the children I have alive but everyday I relive those moments wondering if there is something more that I could have done. Holding my dead child was the hardest thing I have ever done. The abuse as a child doesn't even compare to the loss of a child. So many people showed up to her wake for that I am thankful.
I know she's a child of God and that I will see her again in heaven one day but I wish with all my heart she could've stayed with me a bit longer we had a bond that I never have felt that close to my other two
I miss her so so much it rips me in half sometimes
Rant over now
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Member Comments About This Blog Post
    I was wondering if you have every read the book - Making Tear Soup its a children's book of grief - a short read with a powerful message - it really helped me a lot when I lost a close loved one . Ranting is a good thing during grief. I am so sorry for your loss - emoticon
    1880 days ago
    I feel your pain. I lost a child over thirty years ago. She is gone but not forgotten.
    1882 days ago
  • SAMI199
    1886 days ago
    1886 days ago
    1886 days ago
    much love and prayers sent your way
    grieving is needed one can never really understand anothers pain and the depth of it
    1886 days ago
  • 3G1RLS4ME
    Jebbie49 I'm a pisces
    1886 days ago
    You are a good loving mother. It's not a rant. It's love. And no, you will never get over it. Because she meant the world to you. My second daughter died. It was the hardest thing to this day that I have ever had to go through. Many years later I had another child. I refused to get attached during pregnancy. When she was in NICU for the first week I knew she too would be lost. I refused to become attached. I didn't attach for almost an entire year. She turned 16 last week and is thriving. I regret the time I lost being too scared to love her. I will never get that back. Dont punish yourself of your other children. One day it might be too late. Dont let it get too late. Reach out. They are grieving too. Much love and many prayers.
    1886 days ago
  • LOVE2MY3
    I am so sorry for your loss. I too have suffered terrible loss. I consider my best friends daughter my daughter. She lost her son to SIDS almost 4 years ago. He was 4 months old, and the loss of him was unfathomable! It was one of the hardest things I had gone through, and it really changed me. But then on December 15th, 2012, we got the horrific middle of the night knock on the door telling us that my step-son had been killed in a car accident. He was 2 weeks away from his 25th birthday, and had a baby on the way. The pain that my family has gone through is indescribable. A parent should never have to bury a child. Our family will NEVER be the same. We are just taking it day by day, and trusting God to help us through. Here is a link to a song that has really helped me. God bless you and bring you peace.

    1886 days ago
    That's not a rant honey. You are grieving and it is ok. Get it out and share it. Hopefully it will help you to feel better.
    1886 days ago
  • JIBBIE49
    I'm sorry you lost your child. My mother had a daughter, Shirlene who died at 18 months from Spinal meningitis. My mother never got over her death.
    Are you a "Cancer"? They are people who find it very hard to give up the past.
    1886 days ago
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