Thursday, February 21, 2013

So my boyfriend has a soon to be 12 year old daughter. She lives in Tennessee with her grandmother and sometimes her mother. She has been having severe discipline issues. Two weeks ago it came to a head and the grandmother and her aunt (boyfriend's sister) decided that what would be best for her would be to come live with her dad. He was thrilled. I was too for that matter. His daughter, Courtney, also was happy about the prospect.

Happy or not this was no small feat they were asking. His current living situation would not accommodate her. His lease is up in april and he was just about to renew. Basically a huge swerve with us rushing to look at apartments and talking about moving in together and looking at schools. A lot of stress but a lot of happy coming too.

Two weeks go by and another fight at school and a talk with principals at her school and suddenly they don't want her to move down. They say she is getting bullied at school and they want her to try switching schools next year and not 'uprooting' her completely.

I am heartbroken and I am heartbroken for him. I am angry. I feel helpless and toyed with. I have all these pent up emotions and there is nothing I can do. I want to understand the situation but I am too far removed, it would be weird for me to talk to her grandmother. I want to defend my boyfriend's parental rights, but I don't have any ground on my own so I try to make sure he is covering his bases and has asked all the questions but it just comes off like I am mad at him.

I am so upset. I am so hurt. I feel so helpless. I am angry.
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Member Comments About This Blog Post
    I know your frustration very well. I am on both sides of the coin, having sole custody of my kids and my fiance having a son that he has a very small role in his life.
    This hasn't always been the situation either, and so I know all the hurt and frustration that comes with having to deal with courts, the state agencies, families, partners, etc., all while trying to remind everyone that what's in the best interest of the child is why we're all here!
    I have come to realize that what's best for me is to take a big step back and love and support my fiance in his decisions. I help him research, prepare, investigate, w/e IF he wants AND requests it.
    It's very difficult and I wish you peace on your journey.
    1887 days ago
    Thank you for the thoughts and prayers. A summer visit is planned. It was going to lead to her just staying down here, but alas. Still waiting on more information.
    1888 days ago
  • RUDITUDI2000
    Saying a prayer for all involved! Keep on pressing on toward the things you actually have control over. Sounds like shes staying put right now. Maybe a summer visit? Tough situation. emoticon emoticon
    1888 days ago
    I feel for you. I was the discipline problem in my family and boy, did I give my folks some gray hairs. I will pray for this girl. I will pray for your boyfriend. I will pray for you.
    God is good. I have been praying for a girl just like me for four years. She is going into the military when she graduates. God is good..

    I turned out pretty good too. This is going to be a ride and a half sounds like. I hope the ride and the outcome brings you closer together. Bullying is such a hard one. I was bullied in grade school. The worst part of it is wondering what you did to deserve such violence. Nothing, but the wondering makes you crazy.
    1889 days ago

    Comment edited on: 2/22/2013 12:36:25 AM
  • OOLALA53
    May I gently say that it is probably better that you are not rushed into making a decision to live together sooner than you were already planning on it. However, as a high school teacher, I can imagine that the girl's father wants to be more involved, especially if he would have a good influence on her. These are tough years. I see it all the time. The good news is many tough situations do improve over time.

    I hope you can find the right distance for yourself on all this. It does affect you, but it is a bit out of your hands for now. I hope things will seem better soon.
    1889 days ago
    emoticon I see how difficult this is ... I can think I'd feel the same as you describe. It's so difficult when children, state lines, and multiple adults are involved. I'm so glad you wrote out your feelings so that you could begin to work through them. That's really important for you. You're in a tough spot. It's GREAT that you are taking care of yourself in the midst of this. WAY TO GO!!!
    1889 days ago
    That is hard! You were both arranging to make major changes to your life, and then had to just stop. It's wonderful that you were both so willing to welcome that change with open arms, and sad that your boyfriend won't get to spend time living with his daughter. Maybe after you do move in together, in the future, you can arrange to have his daughter visit during the summer. It would probably do her a lot of good. emoticon
    1889 days ago
    I was thinking that, but without her coming down we may not move in together at all right now. We had been planning on talking about it next year before this all happened. I agree that having a place for her would be good, but it is expensive. Also we both have roommates who were put on short notice with this and if she isn't coming down it would be nicer not to leave them in the lurch. At least one of them doesn't have any other potential roommate lined up yet.

    The other problem is whether or not she is ever going to come live with him permanently. If she is then, yes, finding a place would make sense. But if she isn't, if that isn't something the grandmother wants, then putting out all that money and effort is not necessarily worth it. I say up to her grandmother because Courtney is fickle and has a history of saying she wants to live whereever she isn't when she gets in trouble. This has never been taken seriously, and this time was not about her saying she wanted it, but more due to her dad being able to have better discipline with her.

    Thank you for the concern and constructive comment.
    1889 days ago
    Wow, that is tough. I would also feel toyed with. Hard to know what is best for the daughter though. But nice for the daughter to have a father who would take her in if she decides to live with him. Are you still going to try and get an apartment that could accommodate his daughter, if she decided to come live with him? If you could afford it, I would certainly try.
    1889 days ago
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