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The Perks of Being A Wallflower

Monday, February 18, 2013

Rented this movie this weekend -- it was cheaper than driving to town and going to a movie. It was good. I enjoyed it and thought the cast was quite good, especially Emma Watson. This morning, I find myself remembering a line from it -- "We settle for the love we think we deserve." I think I understand what it means, but at the moment I'm having trouble figuring out how it applies. Maybe it doesn't. Maybe it does and my brain is just to frazzled to understand... or my heart to hurt to put it into words. I think there's something to it though.

but I didn't settle with Thom. I know a lot of people think I did since I was the "third" but I don't feel I did. I found something wonderful and I fought with everything I am to have it around. I had people telling me it was wrong... telling me it wasn't real... I had family and friends that didn't come to the wedding... but it wasn't wrong, it was real and beautiful and fulfilling and what I wanted.

Maybe I'm settling now?? But I don't see how. I would really like a date. I would really like it if someone interesting was interested in me. I want to be noticed. I want to be wanted... to feel loved... to matter (I keep coming back to that... hmm). Just not sure how to find it. I know, peopel always say that love finds you when you aren't looking. You know who says that? Married people. Which is annoying enough, really. But how do you not look for love when that really is what you want? Someone to share with, to talk with, to cuddle with, to love and be loved back, to matter to, to miss and be missed.

Thom changed his FB status to "married" this morning. Hit like a kick in the gut... only about 5 inches higher. So much for "doing better". Right now I want phish food (have I mentioned I'm an emotional eater?).
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  • 4CYNDI
    emoticon emoticon emoticon
    I'm sorry you are still dealing with all those emotions. I wish I could make it better. It is easy for me to say that love finds you when you're not looking. That's what happened to me.

    I had broken up with my last bf and wasn't interested in getting into a new relationship then. But I was busy with the SCA and with my friends. I didn't feel lonely or depressed (of course I was living with a roommate at the time who was also in the SCA so we did a lot together). Several months later I started dating my carpool buddy to riding practice. Engaged 3 months later and married 2 years later.

    All I can advise is to love yourself and be happy. Find ways to connect with others in your area, such as your riding events, acting in plays, etc. Live your life being yourself is all you can do. Wishing you all the love in the world.

    As for Thom and your relationship/settling. Only you know if you settled or not. Far be it from me to judge what will make you happy. The line you quoted rings very true for me. If you feel like you aren't lovable and don't deserve to be treated well, most often that is the type of person you will find.

    You deserve to be loved, respected and treated well.
    **HUGS & NUZZLES**
    1921 days ago
    I so wish I could say something to make the pain go away...but alas, I can't. Especially since I often find myself aching in the same way. And I so will NOT tell you that it'll find you when you're not looking. I haven't been looking for years, and it still hasn't found me yet, either. Just know that all your sparkfriends are here for you, and we will always be available with a shoulder to cry on and an ear to listen.

    emoticon , sweetie.
    1923 days ago
  • PRIZM96
    Awwww Tammy..... I know you aren't looking for sympathy or whatever. But I do "kinda" understand what you are going through. Not me personally, but my best friend. I watch her struggle with just wanting..... wanting the same things you have listed. As a married person, I try soooo hard to not say "love will find you when you're not looking" type stuff. I can imagine the frustration to hear that crap!
    It may be true or whatever, but it doesn't change anything!

    So, I guess I have no real advice, but please know that I am thinking about you and I hope you find what you are searching for soon.

    1923 days ago
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