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Not completely Spark related but need to vent somewhere

Monday, February 18, 2013

I am distraught. Yesterday, I did what I've been thinking of doing for, oh probably years, and quit the local theatre ensemble I have been working with (volunteer) for 8 years. I have not gotten any enjoyment out of it in some time, but I guess I kept going because I was trying to get that enjoyment back. I'm an ok actor but haven't acted in awhile because of my body image issues. I have some really great directorial visions but I'm not assertive enough to get what I want out of opinionated actors. What I was really trying to do though, was improve the company's visual presence. My degree is in graphic design and I really am quite talented artistically (not trying to sound braggy there) but I'm not a practicing designer because of my lack of assertiveness, basically.

The posters, website, and other graphic communication for this theatre group has not been good (to say the least) - very amateur, glaring design no-nos, poor color choices, etc., which really makes us look like a bunch of high school kids. There has been talk forever about how to get taken more seriously as a theatre and the visual presence we put out there in the community is a huge part of that. I don't feel like I should have to be begging these people to let me do their graphic design for free, but that is what has been happening. They would rather let their friends or girlfriends do it or do it themselves because they think they can do everything. I say, focus on what you are great at - acting - and let the fat girl who doesn't want to be seen on stage anymore take care of your graphics.

But no. After a meeting yesterday where the other design-minded artistic people said yes, my poster design was head and shoulders above one of the producer's girlfriend's which, I'm sorry, was just not good at all, the production staff still chose hers, so I decided I'd had enough.

I did that thing that I know every single one of us has always wanted to do - march into our boss's office and let them have it, a bunch of explosive swearing ended with a giant I QUIT. Maybe I've burned some bridges, but I'd had it with trying to be diplomatic with these people. Honestly, they were really not that great of bridges anyway.

Still, I feel like I would imagine a woman might feel after finally having the nerve to leave her abusive boyfriend (I've fortunately never had to go through that and I am not trying to downplay the experience of anyone who has): liberated but a little scared, heartbroken because she really did love him, she just wanted him to be like he was before he started being abusive but she finally realized that wasn't going to happen.

A huge part of me is gone now. But that just means I have room to fill it up with something else now. Just not sure what that something is yet.
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Member Comments About This Blog Post
    I knew as soon as you said this " I have not gotten any enjoyment out of it in some time," that you made the right decision. If theatre is truly important to you another opportunity will come your way. But that is just one of many venues where you can use your talents.

    NEVER stay in a place where you are made to feel inferior - and that's what this situation sounds like to me! You are a talented (DON'T hesitate to say it - CLAIM your talents!) person who deserves to be viewed as such.

    I don't know what life has in store for you, but once you decide what would make you happy and begin to dream and visualize it for yourself I believe you WILL draw it into your life. Filling life with something that is not making you happy is NOT the way to go! So pat yourself on the back for taking a stand and get on with life!! Better things are coming!!
    1886 days ago
    I am so sorry about this terrible situation. I hope that you find something fun and fulfilling to fill the void this left. Hugs!
    1886 days ago
    emoticon Save those mails and know you stood firm and made the best choice for you! You may need to take those mails to the board/ boss/ somewhere to have the person sending them back off.
    1886 days ago
    Thank you all for your support and kind words. Unfortunately, the drama continues. I'm getting nasty accusatory emails from one of them and he's making it very personal. Basically telling me everything that (he thinks) is wrong with me. It's really trying my resolve. But obviously solidifies my confidence in my decision to leave.
    1886 days ago
    sorry you had to walk away from this situation - it sounds very unpleasant. you definitely made the right decision!

    i hope in your future endeavors you are more assertive and confident from the beginning!
    1887 days ago
    emoticon sorry to hear you had to leave something that you enjoyed doing but get ready to emoticon new opportunities awaits you like the other sparky,s said you should be appreciated for what you was giving out for no cost at all but instead it was causing you undue stress it hurts now but things will get better just you wait and see someone is going to cherish the jewels you posses they just haven,t discovered the treasure chest yet (metaphorically speaking) emoticon emoticon
    1887 days ago
  • -COURT-
    There's not by chance another theater in town? You need a pace that will appreciate your talents.
    1887 days ago
    Good for you for quitting. It seems like there is a recurrent theme in this post that you don't do always do things you might like to do because you're not assertive enough to pursue them (directing, full time graphic design). I would only add that maybe with your new found free time, you can focus on improving your confidence so that you can pursue the things that you are most passionate about. Sounds like the people were really jerks and it probably felt good to go off on them, but I bet if you had felt more comfortable expressing your concerns vocally (and assertively) over the years, you would have had an easier time retaining your cool.
    1887 days ago
    Ugh I hate politics like that. It sounds like you made the right choice. If you hadn't been enjoying your time there for quite a while and people weren't even listening to your ideas then it was time to move on because you deserve to do something you love and be respected. It's hard to make a change like that too--so bravo for stepping up and being assertive enough to quit (you may be more assertive than you think!) when it wasn't right anymore.

    I hope you find something else that you love!!
    1887 days ago
  • AMBER281
    Good for you for taking a stand. You deserve to be happy and doing what you love.
    1887 days ago
    Good for you!! It might do your spirit some good to volunteer somewhere new and different where your time and talents are appreciated.
    1887 days ago
    This is sparking...because stuff like this makes us want to eat to fill the void. I am trying to do some cleaning and the web site I have turned to says fill your spaces with things you love and get rid of the stuff you do not like...sometimes that means leaving empty space in order to fill it what you like and love...I see that in your future...don;t be too quick to run and fill that up..Be selective and wise... emoticon emoticon emoticon
    1888 days ago
    I'm so proud of you! Yes, it's a little bit scary and a little bit heartbreaking, but you needed to be away from that toxic place! I also think you need to rethink your opinions about not acting because of your size. Focus on loving you for you (I know, that's hard for me too), then start thinking about where you want to set your focus.

    I doubt theater is out of your life forever...just that place! emoticon
    1888 days ago
    Good for you. You left behind a relationship that was not fulfilling. Now it's time to look into a new activity that will make you happy. You could put your graphics to work for a shelter or community center. They are always in need of designers for fund raisers and activities. Follow your passion and don't be discouraged. emoticon
    1888 days ago
    This sounds like a pretty assertive move for a girl who doesn't think she's assertive enough! Good for you!

    emoticon emoticon emoticon
    1888 days ago
  • COOKIE_AT_51
    emoticon to you ... but I see the emoticon side that you pointed out as a new door, a new opportunity to bring the joy back into your life.

    That is what is important ... life is too short to be lived without joy!

    1888 days ago
    I am so very sorry to hear this. I know that the theatre was important to you and I know that it is utterly exasperating to have people display and even cling to and cherish their petty preferences, their politics over what is best, and their lack of good taste.

    I think you did the right thing, however painful. People do not tend to change very much or very quickly and they will always jockey for positions that might have nothing to do with merit or excellence.

    I wish you the very best luck in developing your assertiveness and in standing up for good taste. You should be proud of yourself for not enabling a sick (or at least very ignorant) system.
    1888 days ago
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