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Thoughts Provoked by GreasyJoan's Nutritional Porn Blog

Saturday, February 16, 2013

There are food commandments I must obey. These are not helpful hints. They are mandates.

1. Do not leave home hungry.

2. Entertain no thoughts of oral gratification while behind the wheel.

3. No eating in a vehicle. Period.

4. If you do not want to consume it, do not bring it home.

I frequently must put the McPedal to the McMetal, singing Ave Maria at the top of my lungs all the way until I have safely traversed the evil world of commerce.

I am not allowed to leave the house of a morning until I have consumed .75 cups of oatmeal (dry - that is 1.5 cups cooked) nuked for 3.8 minutes with 7 crumbled walnut halves, a shake of salt and a bold splash of water, finally amended with 1.5 tbs chilled apple butter + .5 cup plain soy milk. This is the one true breakfast. It is the only pre-11AM repast capable of getting me safely past the sleazy slick sirens of EggMcMuffinSausageBiscuitHashR

While living in New York, I experienced a rebirth - six years of slow-food sanity and glowing health that carried me through 7 additional years in Tennessee. The life-denying foul n' fast food-substitutes held no sway over me - why, I scoffed in their direction generally! It was inconceivable that such manky mucilaginous morsels would ever again make it past my rose-tinted alabaster lips.

I am now deeply and profoundly emoticon ashamed of my recidivism, of having sunk so low, entertaining the lust for lard that leads one to the portals of Popeye, Taco Bell, and Micky D. But the truth is undeniable. I have the draped flesh and clogged arteries to prove it. (And this abbreviation of life does not stop with food.. I have even found myself using the occasional emoticon. If this continues, [oh the slippery slope] I will eventually... lol.)

There is yet a Spark of hope. Once again my love of life, literature, and my self appears to be carrying me beyond the grasping claws of "flat-line chic" and the Heart Attack Grills of this world.

Today I know that I was the Marlboro Man's puppet on a string for far too long to give any more air time to that line of excrement... but don't forget - instant oral gratification is market driven, insidious, relentless. It will not step aside lightly. Tobacco, cheese doodles, aged scotch, texting - pick your poison... pick several. Hmmm. It is very easy to forget what you know, so beware of "easy". Make every day today and when the sun comes up, keep your eyes on the prize.

Please - let my weak moments and bare-naked backsliding happen in bed while I'm reading. Fast food franchise debils - get thee behind me. If curse the night I must, may it be because I gorged on carrot sticks, or overindulged with 4 extra almonds on my salad.

I promise never again to underestimate the venal power of convenience. Again. Scout's honor.
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  • BRENDA_G50
    Good rules to follow and live by. emoticon
    1892 days ago
    Love the way you write! The slow food movement is taking over... look for it and if it isn't in your area yet... create it! Love your attitude!
    1894 days ago
  • ANDY_54
    Hey, I like your rules! When I commuted I made the mistake of finding Tim's (Hortons) along the way--it started out innocently enough with a cup of coffee then escalated into breakfast when I had perfectly good food at home! I think the only reason I changed my ways was that I was transferred to Texas and lo and behold, there was nothing along the way convenient for me to stop at--yay. Not that I changed any behaviors mind you. lol So yeah, I'm totally on board with "Beware of easy". Good post!
    1894 days ago
    1894 days ago
    Loved this! And don't know how you do it in the land of relatively cheap outsized convenience. I took my then 17 year old daughter - the fast food queen - to the US for her first visit last year. Only New York and New England and staying with friends. Her holiday pics include a large number of images of how big things are (the packets of crisps, the popcorn in the movies, a slice of pizza as big as a whole one here.... the seemingly ordinary sized dunkin donuts iced coffee...) . How easy it was when driving between anywhere to just pull off the highway and grab some junk food when here we have to carefully pack food for the journey as road trip options are inedible when existing.
    1895 days ago
    Awesome post and I absolutely love your rules.

    1895 days ago
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