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The End of the Beginning

Saturday, February 16, 2013

Before I had children, I weighed 143 and was struggling to remain there. At about 5'5", I knew that I was pretty close to the middle of the "acceptable" weight range, but I was OK with it because I have a muscular frame and a pear shape. I figured my shape was womanly... besides... my husband seemed to like it. But then I got pregnant, and after his birth, I weighed 160... and couldn't drop it.

Three and a half years ago, I had my second child. At the peak of the pregnancy, I weighed 196 pounds, bringing myself the closest I've ever been to edging out of the 100s. I gained nearly 40 pounds, which is pretty outrageous when you consider that, at the heavier beginning weight, I should've only gained 10-15. And over those three years, I have dropped most of it, arriving unhappily at my "pre-second-pregnancy" weight, but I STILL can't get back to where I was before kids.

I come from a pretty large family. I have relatives who weigh over 200 pounds and carry it so well, you would never guess. And I have some relatives who are clearly large. I don't even know how much they weigh. Knowing that we run large has been helpful to coming to terms with my weight when I was actually fit. Being one of those people who could walk into a carnival, strut in front of the "guessing game," and absolutely floor the audience with a weight 20 pounds more than the guess was kind of fun. But with time, I have noticed I'm gaining a little bit more each month, and every pound has become more and more noticeable. The weight is landing differently. It's fat, not muscle. It's in my stomach, not my thighs. It's droopy, not healthy. Looking at pictures is uncomfortable. I'm starting to feel uncomfortable (and so, sooo tired).

And being married to a thin man hasn't helped, since being significantly larger than my husband has been very uncomfortable.

So, while I am still at 160, and only have 25-30 pounds to lose, I feel like I need to end this journey to obesity before it truly takes off.

I want to have the kind of energy someone in their mid-twenties should have. I want to be able to enjoy the simple things in life without feeling self-conscious about it. I'd like to weigh less than the man I love... and generally, I just want to be healthier.

And I think I can do that.
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