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Saturday, February 16, 2013

Its a slap in the face that I'm not thought of By certain people in my life. My husband is, my daughter is, but me?? Nope... It hurts. I married him. I gave birth to her. We sat in NICU together for HOURS every day for 49 days But yet I'm not recognized, at all. Yeah, that hurts. It just goes to show how much people can tell you "Oh we think of you. Oh we love you" but yet I'm never recognized as his wife or her mother, but yet his ex girlfriend and oldest daughter are. Last time I checked my name was on the marriage license and the ring he bought was put on my finger, no one else's. I was presented that flag off his coffin.

Yes, I sound angry and bitter because I am. It freaking hurts.

After a few hours of my blood pressure going through the roof & bawling my eyes out I deleted his parents off of my FB. I feel like they see me as a cheap one night stand and not his actual wife. I'm the one who sat through his deployments and countless underways. I'm the one who stood by him through the stress and everything else the Navy threw at us. I took care of him Maddie, our townhouse, bills, and went to school all at the same time. I know I shouldn't let it bother me so much and just ignore it but I can't help it. They don't give a crap about me and they never have, irregardless of what line of crap his mom tells me. I should of done what he did when he was alive and totally blown them off from the word GO. Now, I understand fully why Josh didn't have a relationship with his parents. No, my mom and I don't and (didn't at the time) see eye to eye all the time but she still had my/our back when we needed the help. His parents?? Nope, they didn't care. All they thought was that we were making mistake after mistake and instead offering help or advice all we got was grief. Where as my family would say "You know what, we know you guys aren't perfect. We know the ebginning of a marriage is hard. Here, let us help you." I'm thankful for all the help my mom gave us during our marriage and I know I'll never be able to repay her for it, but at least she gave a damn.

I, _____, take you ______, to be my wedded husband. To have and to hold, from this day forward, for better, for worse, for richer, for poorer, in sickness and in health, to love and to cherish, 'till death do us part. And hereto I pledge you my faithfulness.

I honored my wedding vows. I loved him (and still do) until the day he died. I wished people would understand that and quit giving me grief about choices I've made in life since his passing.

If you read that entire post then you desrve a hug. Its been a very emotional day. I've cried more today then I have in weeks. I think finally everything has hit me head on and I finally just lost it. I lost count how many times I cried today. I know everyone keeps telling me to blow them off and not let it bother me but it still hurts. Its sad to say but I know deep down even Josh is up in Heaven saying "Honey, just let them go. Don't worry about it. Don't let it stress you out like it stressed me out when I was alive."

I miss him.....
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Member Comments About This Blog Post
    emoticon Oh my gosh - you have every right to your feelings. It hurts to be made to feel less by someone that you expect more from!! I'm so sorry that you're going through this! I hope that you felt better tonight!! emoticon
    1888 days ago
  • KATYDID412
    I wish I could give you a great big hug in person. I can't imagine what you're going through, but know that there are people out here thinking ofyou and praying for you.
    1888 days ago
    1888 days ago
  • COOKIE_AT_51
    emoticon Letting it out will help to let it go ... emoticon
    1888 days ago

    1888 days ago
  • MARYBETH4884
    We can love people and try and understand them, but a relationship takes two people. They need to reciprocate that love and understanding to make it a good one! Take care of yourself and those who love you in return! Your in laws may just need space to grieve. They can hide you when they want a relationship. Josh and Maddie loved you ! That is the important thing! emoticon
    1888 days ago
    I do hospice work and one thing I have seen is that death brings out an enormous range of emotions in everyone. Do not feel less a woman for being angry today. Just pick yourself up tomorrow.

    His family members are also going through some painful emotions - but they probably have the added burden of guilt for not being close to him the last few years, and guilt can make people blame people irrationally. I am not trying to say their behavior is ok. I am just trying give you a little bit of logic you can hold on to because sometimes an outsider's logic helps when noone inside seems to be making any sense.

    So pick yourself up, dry your tears and tell yourself that you have a whole future ahead of you. Find the home left in your home and the life left in your life. That is your priority now, regardless of what any of the judging people from your former life and his family might say. Tell them you don't want to be part of conversations that hurt anymore.

    When things are really, REALLY bad, it may even be helpful to have conversations with Josh in your head, as long as you promise to keep the anger out of it. That's dangerous territory if it's kept up too long and you leave your current sweetie out of your feelings, but it might be better than pretending you don't sometimes miss Josh or feel depressed. Just don't let anyone see or hear you doing it or they will want to check you into the looney bin. I did it for a miscarried baby, a sweetheart who disappeared without a trace, my father who died suddenly. I went to the top of a big hill or looked up into a tree, mouthed my conversation without a sound, heard my answer and went back inside. I know from being with others who have lost their loved ones that they do it, too.

    Let us know how you are doing. We care and we've got your back.

    1888 days ago

    Comment edited on: 2/16/2013 4:00:36 AM

    I feal for you, never easy going through what you are.
    Anger does step in when you are hurting, and those who you are angry with
    are going about their day.
    Face your anger and change you. Unfortunatley there are wonderful people and not
    so nice people that cross all our paths, and have no idea what's it like to walk in your shoes.
    Be encouraged and take one day at a time. Don't meditate on those who have hurt you,.
    It's not worth it. You are to valuble..

    Just a Caring person

    1888 days ago
  • WILSON1926
    1888 days ago
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