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Friday, February 15, 2013

Hello all! So I've taken a little break from the blogs and I need to get back into it. Even if I just use the blogs as a diary and no one really reads it at least I'm putting how I'm feeling into words. And it's good for me to get it out.

I've been trying really hard to stay on track and get my exercise in. Not always easy with my schedule. Between illnesses, work and life in general I think I have been doing well. I started over again on January 6th (along with the biggest loser) and lost up to 6 lbs. I gained 2 lbs this week. My first gain in over a month and discovered something about myself that I knew I did but wasn't aware of just how bad it can I self-talk awful about myself.

I've had awful self-esteem since I was a teenager. I had an abusive boyfriend for 2 years as a teenager, my father and great-aunt (like a grandma) both passed away during this time, I was cut senior year from the soccer team. Just a lot all at once. But just over gaining 2 lbs I sat today and in my head berated myself. Then in my head I hear that awful boyfriend tell me how worthless I am and so forth. You can see how I start on the downward spiral and it goes out of control. For years I have struggled with anxiety and depression. Sometimes I fixate on a topic and obsess about it until I send myself into a panic attack. So today I couldn't get off of the 2 lb loss. So I decided I needed to stop it before it got out of control. I bundled my baby up, stuck her in her stroller and we went for a walk. And low and behold it worked.

Now I'm in a totally different frame of mind about these 2 lbs. They will be gone again soon. Eating right, exercising and drinking water. I will lose these 2 lbs and these 2 lbs are not going to define me.
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Member Comments About This Blog Post
    Good for you!! I battle depression, anxiety, panic attacks too and have since the 80's! Once we learn to love ourselves flaws and all-we can make so many positive things happen in our lives. We need to put the past behind us, including past mistakes or bad people in our lives and move forward! I find that exercise or like you what you did going for a walk, keeps me feeling good about it all! You are doing great! emoticon emoticon emoticon
    1953 days ago
    Stay positive!
    1955 days ago
    Thank you all for your comments. My baby is 16 months. Not so much a baby anymore but she's my last so she'll always be my baby.
    1955 days ago
    About that voice in your head - it might be hard - but ignore it - don't give it power over you. You deserve better. Some people are just ignorant and I have met a few in my own time - they don't have the right to say what they said the first time and they definitely don't deserve time in your head. When you hear that voice - tell it to shut up - it's okay - say it out loud. If you have to - write a list of things about you that you are proud of - write your accomplishments and your personality traits that make you you. Then, whenever you hear that voice - read that list. You are worthwhile - you are beautiful - you are you (and no one could replace you.) The only thing you should realize is how sad it is that this person never got to see the best of you - never will - and doesn't deserve to.

    1955 days ago

    Comment edited on: 2/15/2013 10:42:41 PM
    Glad to see you turned to good choices under stress. Thats a good sign. Don't know how old your baby is - but when I used to go to the gym, one of the trainers told me that on a monthly basis your weight can fluctuate as much as 5 pound because you retain water. Not sure what it could be - but if you weigh yourself often - it does fluctuate a little.

    Kudos to you for knowing what you really needed!

    1955 days ago
  • KIMBERLY19732
    How old is your baby? When my 1st child was a baby I walked him in a stroller until 40 pounds were gone!

    I worked through so many problems in my head during those walks. I've recently started walking again-and working through problems that way still works!!!! emoticon emoticon
    1955 days ago
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