Three Things: 2/15/13

Friday, February 15, 2013

Intro: I have too much stuff to be organized. I have too many pounds to be healthy. I think they are related. This blog is about getting rid of stuff... which, oddly, is helping me shed pounds (5 so far in just over two weeks!).


Honestly, what the hell was I thinking, buying a box of wine with the slogan, “The World’s Most Popular Wine,” plastered (heh) on it?
“Do you want this in a bag, miss?” the polite man at the liquor store asked. I give him credit for keeping a straight face.
Of course I want a bag, do you think I want people to see me carrying a $16.95 5-liter, giant, looks-like-it-was-designed-in-
the-early-80’s box in public? Don’t you think the state of my being seriously overdue for a haircut, worn off lipstick (the outline was still there) and the fact that I’m wearing a Hawaiian shirt is beacon enough of my classiness? The whole thing fairly screams, “I drink alone, watching Lifetime with my small, mixed breed lap dog,” yet I promise, the purchase was strictly medicinal.
Stop. Just… you can stop now.
No, really – if I’d bought the stuff for pleasure, I would have bought something around $16.95 a BOTTLE. A regular, human-sized bottle.
I love wine. Particularly white wine. But lately, I’ve enjoyed it too much. Ask my waistline. Ask how dehydrated I am in the morning. But mostly, my waistline.
So I just found out my blood pressure is up over 20 points and my doctor said, okay, ONE glass of red wine is fine. Beneficial even. And I was not about to give it up completely. So I bought what I figured would be like, eh… the Coca-Cola of wines: something POPULAR couldn’t be all that bad, right?
You know what else is/was popular? The song “Call Me Maybe.” “The Bridges of Madison County.” Steven Segal movies. Gangnam style. Okay, bad, but good, too. Like, horrible taste, but fun it its own way.
This wine, I think, would be excellent in a vinaigrette, though adding vinegar would be redundant. It comes to this: how badly would one pursue a SECOND glass of this god-awful stuff?
That was a rather long introduction to today’s Three Things, which all share the same theme: drinking accessories.

1. Fancy-schmancy brocade wine bag. By golly, if you’re buying your wine in boxes, maybe you don’t need a bag after all.

Result? Donated. I’ve had this thing for years. I’ve given wine as a gift. No one seems to mind that the bottle isn’t wrapped. True enthusiasts just go right to the label anyway. Or, as with my crowd, just say, “Oh good, more wine!”

2. Wine stopper. I have SEVEN of these. This is my least favorite. If you have 7 open bottles of wine at one time I’m thinking you’re fickle, troubled, or have amazing self-restraint. I think only at parties did I ever have that many open bottles of wine going at once but I have a huge family and no one was worried about formalities anyway. To paraphrase a card my daughter gave me: “I read about a lady who makes ice cubes from leftover wine. I didn’t know you could do that. Have leftover wine, I mean.”

Result? Donate. I could re-gift it, but I forgot who gave it to me (so much for sentiment) and woo, that could be awkward.

3. A millennium champagne glass. First, its companion is long gone. This makes it look like I was solo-drinking to bring in 2000, not at some great party arguing about whether 2000 or 2001 marked the start of the “2000’s.” No, I guess it could be a generous party token, but it’s not. Sadly, someone spent money on this, though it wasn’t me (a gift – and aren’t I starting to sound like the most ungrateful gift recipient EVER? I’m not, I’m really really not – I love getting almost anything so my thank-you’s are always genuine in the moment).

Second, my favorite memento from January 1, 2000 is this:

He really tried to stay awake.
The best part of being an adult is getting to choose when you go to bed (when you can).
Personally, it’s my favorite way to bring in the New Year.

Result? Donated. And I learned to spell the word "millennium."

And hey, look! I didn’t even (quite) finish the glass tonight (as opposed to refilling it)! Progress!

No Keeper of the Day today.

“It is easier to resist at the beginning than at the end.” ~Leonardo da Vinci
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Member Comments About This Blog Post
    " The worlds most popular Wine" We always have one or two boxes sitting on our counter in the Kitchen. My wife loves the stuff( of course I kinda like it too.) My oldest son comes home and calls it the "Wine Buffet" Of course as always Moderation is the best course. Thanks for the amusing tale.
    1952 days ago
    you are TOO funny! Your self talk sounds way too much like ME.
    1952 days ago
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