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***REWIND: More Confident Fat***

Thursday, February 14, 2013

I know so many of you can relate to this comment. As I reread my past blogs, this one taken from March of 2011 really resonated with me today. It also reminded me of how far I have come as a person. I no longer equate my worth with my weight. That wasn't always the case:

***Blog post March 9, 2011***

I just realized that I was more confident, more self-assured, more aware of who I was as a person when I was 255 pounds. At that weight, I knew I was morbidly obese and I knew what people's expectations and thoughts of me were from the get go so I never had to worry about not meeting their expectations; no one expected anything of the fat girl. So If I worked out at all everyone was proud of me because they couldn't believe I made it to the gym. I always got compliments on my appearance because people assumed someone my size would be sloppy and smelly (by the way, 90% of overweight women take better care of their hygeine than skinny people simply because of this reason). Now that I have dropped from 270 pounds to roughly 228, I am constantly second guessing myself. I actually worry about whether an outfit makes me look fat. Before I was just fat with or without the outfit's help. I am constantly looking in the mirror judging myself, looking for areas of bulge that I can attack in the gym. I am never satisfied!

When I was a size 22 I would pray to my Lord, "GOD please just get me to a size 16. That's all I want." I am a solid size 16 today and I am unhappy. Unsatisfied. Unfullfilled. When I started this journey on Spark I made the common remark of "I don't care what the scale says, I just want to be healthy." That is such a lie. I care more about what the scale says then about what my boyfriend says, my bestfriend says, or my doctor says. As a matter of fact, I went in for my annual exam. My doc walks in and gasps, "Oh my gosh girl, you look awesome. You have lost weight!" My response, "Yeah, I still have at minimum 30 more to lose but 55 ultimately." No "thank you's" no "I am working hard" no acknowledgment of how far I have come. I only focused on how much more I have to go.

I wish I could take a pill that would wake me up to the beauty of myself. Not just physically. I can honestly say that I work hard to be a good person. I am judgemental and can be mean-spirited just like everyone else. But through my struggles I have learned to keep those judgments to myself (unless they are about me) and to provide spiritual support and insight to others. I am so good at picking up everyone else but I have forgotten how to leverage me.

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Member Comments About This Blog Post
    I'm late but as I read the old blog, I'm like - that's not the Nikki I know. Oh yes, you have definitely overcome this obstacle and still moving forward.

    I reread and delete my old blogs every now and then as well. I keep those with milestones and positives. It works to keep me moving forward.
    1884 days ago
  • JENNY160
    Good for you for seeing that you were judging yourself and not acknowledging your accomplishments. I'm so glad you are evolving into a naturally-smaller person instead of a bigger person in a smaller body. The mind-set is completely different. And healthier.
    1889 days ago
    You are beautiful inside and out! You need to get to the bottom of what's causing you to focus so much on a number. Just take it one day at a time girl. You are such a STRONG and amazing person. I am so glad I've been able to 'get to know you' even if it is only through spark! I know you will find your way and continue to SHINE like you always have.
    1889 days ago
  • EUEK098
    I know how you feel Nikki, I know there's a difference between now and where I was before, but am fixated on where I need to be and what my body needs to look like. Ultimately I tell myself to take it a day at a time.
    1890 days ago
  • BRENNA84
    i just take my mom's advise - shut up and say thank you hehe

    and it works. i no longer respond to a compliment with a but, or a complaint. I thank them and most of the time, I think they're right too :)
    1891 days ago
    1891 days ago
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