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Hard Few Days

Wednesday, February 13, 2013

It has been a hard week for me this week, or I guess just these last few days. I’m not an over-indulger, I just don’t watch what I eat very well then and it comes back to haunt me later. I’ve never just sat down and ate a whole half gallon of ben and jerry’s. My biggest problem is getting depressed, I tend to over think everything and portray to the outside world what I think they wish to hear, even if it’s not what I am really thinking or feeling at the time. It’s mostly my hopes that I don’t share not because of fear of rejection but that I don’t think it is what they want to hear. It’s never been hard for me to accept that I hurt myself so that I don’t hurt others. But tonight was by far the farthest I have pushed the limit of that, with that being said I want to talk about hope, not just for the future but for every moment of life. I can’t count how many times I have told people that I have given up hope, even when I know that I haven’t, because I don’t want them to worry about my hopes. I don’t want to be the person to bring them down to my level. I didn’t want their hopes to get mixed in with mine and that all they would want is what I want. But that’s exactly what I do I find out their hopes and then I want to help them reach them anyway I can, even if it means I sacrifice what I want most. I started to lose weight not for myself but because I wanted to be with this one person so bad, I just wanted him to want me back, and yet tonight I found myself telling him that I gave up hope of it happening. But deep down the honest truth is I still want that but I don’t want him to get bogged down in my wants and hopes and dreams for the future. Even though I am doing this for myself now, I know in the back of my mind that I wish that one day he would find that my outward appearance is enough that he will want me in return. And even though I don’t always think that will come it’s something I fear I will always hope and wish for.
** sorry I just needed somewhere to let out what I was feeling
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Member Comments About This Blog Post
    I have found that this is a very good place to let those thoughts out. Good for you!

    Perhaps it would help to start small with putting your own needs first...I don't know what that would entail for you, but for me it was starting with 10 minutes of exercise daily that was non-negotiable. I WAS going to do that regardless of what everyone else was doing/needing at the time. Then I built on that small goal.

    1954 days ago
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