What the Water Gave Me
Tuesday, February 12, 2013
I figured it was time to write and express how I have been feeling lately. I need this, it¡¦s almost a relief to sit here and write about where I have been, what I am thinking and what¡¦s going on. During this journey one of things that I have tried to change about myself is dwelling on the negatives of everyday life. I find myself keeping myself motivated and staying positive because if I don¡¦t love myself first how can anyone else be loved/love me? I have come out of a long relationship not that long ago with a guy that didn¡¦t want or deserve my attention. I think a lot of my problems were not necessarily his fault but because he never wanted really anything from me but fights I found myself miserable, lonely and really really unmotivated. Since I left him I have felt nothing but happiness, joy and constant smiles. This has been a process and a long time now (of course I see him at the gym all the time and he actually looks like happier/healthier yay me). My friends really suggested this online dating thing to me because I have a hard time just approaching guys and being like ¡§hey, I¡¦m Jennie, let¡¦s hang out¡¨ type of deal. I started this dating thing and I can honestly say that after a month of using the services I am totally overwhelmed and frustrated with what I have had. I have had lots of messages from guys, I won¡¦t lie but the dates are terrible. I have met probably four guys and have been chatting with a couple more as well. I got to know this one guy and really started to like him. We went on officially five dates and I thought that things were going good (obviously if he¡¦s trying to hold my hand and all of that garbage). He messaged me last night about how he ¡§finds me attractive¡¨ but because I am bigger than anyone he has been with he can¡¦t be with me. Like seriously? Ouch! This was exactly the reason that I didn¡¦t want to do this online dating crap because all it does is set you up for rejection. Rejection is not a comforting thing and it really really eats away at you. So I know that I shouldn¡¦t give up after this guy but I feel like me focusing more on changing myself for a healthier life is more important. I love the attention from guys I really do but that fear of rejection is not something I am willing to work with right now.
Above and beyond all of that men crap (yes I must add I am a female that is very anti Valentine¡¦s Day because I think you should show each other you love each other every day and can¡¦t be bought by the silliness of it all, but I¡¦m sure it¡¦s still nice to be appreciated). I have worked out harder than I have in a long time last night and today because what that guy said to me really fueled my fire. I don¡¦t know I just don¡¦t understand why people are stupid-I have talked a lot about this in my last blog and understand that beauty is both on the surface and inside but let¡¦s be honest it¡¦s human nature to judge people based on looks first. It sucks it really does. On a happier note from me, I have my weigh in tomorrow and it could possibly be my first day in the 200¡¦s I am super excited to see if it happens. Keep sparkin! ƒº