Didn't proofread, just typed. If you read it, don't judge.

Monday, February 11, 2013

I am so hungry. I have been losing weight the past 2 weeks and am liking that part of it. But I AM hungry. I have all my calories laid out every day and make sure I have a snack calculated for my binge prevention bed time snack. Sounds counter production, but for me the trick is knowing that no matter will happen. And if I plan for it then I am am prepared and have it measured out. But I digress. I am tired of hearing about Valentines Day. Ya I am alone, so what. But DANG I would love me some white chocolate Lindtdorf truffle balls! And how about Red Lobster.....Coconut fried jumbo tacos! OMG YUM! Their cheddar biscuits!
I know i spelled the chocolate name wrong, but with chocolate balls like that, who cares?!?
And then of course because I have to be careful of what I eat because of the open hole in my mouth I now want EVERYTHING!!!
And I am so lonely. I always say I can't wait to lose weight. Then I will feel good about myself and start going out. But go where?. Since I quit drinking and smoking, I made the choice to give up that circle of friends too. I don't want anything to jeopardize my sobriety from drinking and smoking. So I have no one to hang out with except for the drinkers I used to go out with. So maybe I should start drinking again so I won't be so lonely. But then I will just be a lonely sobbing drunk instead of just a lonely sober person. No one likes sobbing
Seems I digressed again.
As much as I want to cheat on EVERYTHING, I know I can't. I know that whatever cheat I did, I would regret it after.
So I will sit here and continue to be a sober quiet angry person.

Where is all this coming from? Lonely...yeah, duh. Angry, yeah. No money, yeah. And my son's 21st birthday is tomorrow. My first birthday of his I will not be with him.

I think the biggest hurt of all is that no one misses me. It turns out I was not and am not well liked even by family. All these years I thought they were laughing with me, they were laughing at me.
I think the biggest hurt of all is that no one misses me.

I think of everyone and how I miss them. But I have all the time in the world to think about it.
That dark hole that tries to lure me in has been creeping up on me. I can almost see it.

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Member Comments About This Blog Post
  • FT4EVR
    Thinking of you!! I have to watch myself the same as you! You are NOT alone!
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    2731 days ago
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    I like PATRICIAAk's idea of volunteering. Anything to keep your mind off food (and drinking!) and stay busy and active!!

    2737 days ago
    I feel for you.
    Have you thought of volunteering? That will give you a whole new group of friends.
    2737 days ago
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