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Sunday, February 10, 2013

Do you know that moment when you thought you were fine than BAM! you realize you are far, far from fine? I had one of those yesterday.

On Saturday, it felt like a miracle that I finally stopped crying from my Grandma's passing. After the wake and funeral, it felt like it just would not stop. I even told work on Friday it would be best if I did not come in because I don't think it would be a good representative of the company for new prospects.

When Saturday came along, I was exhausted but was able to go to work. On the way home, I stopped at the grocery store for some fruit. On a whim, I got cheese puffs. By the time, I got home the bag was nearly empty! Mind you, that was just across town.

I think it's safe to say I am mad at myself. I know better. I guess I thought it was safe. Far from it! I think I just bottled my emotions up and when I do that I emotional eat. Moral of the story is it is better to deal with emotions than try to be strong and bottle them up inside.

My grandma was so proud of me for losing the 100 pounds and for keeping it off. For some reason, it seemed she wanted us grandchildren to lose weight and be skinny. Now that I am older (and wiser), I think it was because life seems to be easier for the skinny. Mind you, it really isn't.. just seems that way. Anyhow, she wanted the best for us girls.

Not only was she proud of me for losing weight, she was really proud of my running. At the funeral, my grandpa's daughter (someone I met that day because the two sides of the family never mingled) could identify me as the granddaughter who lost weight or runs half marathons. Mind you, I just met this woman so it showed me how proud my Grandma was of me.

My Grandma came to one of my half marathons. A gift I was given. She was going to come to my race when I was planning do the full marathon but I didn't run last year.

I was going to run today but between seeing my fat roll spill over my running pants and these emotions being very close to the surface, I decided to go home. This year, my goal is to the Whistlestop Half Marathon in October. I might do it in memory of her. I might find a few 5Ks with the fundraising going towards heart disease and do them in her memory.

She died from having an aneurysm at the age of 72. So young.. really. She had so much more life to live. Much like the rest of the family, I was not ready for her to pass on.
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  • -POOKIE-
    We are dealing with my fiancé's Grandad passing on the 1st.

    Grief is so hard, but time really does have to help
    1900 days ago
    Grief is a strange thing; you can be going along, thinking you're doing well, then out of nowhere it seems the flood of emotions is overwhelming. I am so sorry for your loss; choosing some races to run in memory of your grandma seems like a wonderful way to both work through your emotions and to honor her for being so proud of you.

    1901 days ago
    so sorry sweetie for your loss. That is so wonderful to know how proud your Grandma was of you! I think doing a run, no matter the length, in her honor would be really wonderful.

    1901 days ago
    1901 days ago
  • GAYLEP67
    I am so sorry for your loss. Your Grandmother was most certainly proud of you - you sound like you've accomplished a lot. Take time to grieve your loss. Everyone grieves differently and everyone needs time to heal. I lost my Dad very suddenly in October at the age of 81 (a day after his birthday). I definitely wasn't ready for that but I'm learning to cope with my loss and it gets a little easier every day. I think running the half marathon in your Grandmother's memory would be a lovely tribute to her. She will be there with you - guaranteed. Take things one day at a time...
    1901 days ago
    Oh Sweetie, I am so sorry for your loss. I feel so bad for you, but you know I got the feeling that you made your Gramma so happy, and she was so proud of you!!! I really feel that whenever you run, in a race or just by yourself, your Gramma will be smiling. Hugs

    Don't forget - you are AWESOME!!!!!
    1901 days ago
    So sorry to hear about the flood of emotions that resulted from the loss of such a dear loved one. Only you (or God in you) can bring you back into the realization that healthy living is really where you want to be. May the desire to be kind to your temple (body) be ever present as you continue to aspire to the short and long-term goals you have for your future. Prayers of healing as you are flooded with love for your gramma. Visualize what healing and success looks like, then take steps towards that -- nothing wrong with baby steps. You are forgiven and loved. Hug, hug -- Evelyn
    1901 days ago
    oh crazy, my heart-felt condolences.
    it's always too early.
    hope you get back on track in due time.
    1901 days ago
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