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Okay So I Let It Out, Now what? (Vent)

Sunday, February 10, 2013

Unpacking the baggage, the emotional baggage that is, before hopping into bed in hopes I will be able to sleep at some point tonight. Even though I know alreadyt that is not likely.

My daughter called at 10 pm tonight. She said she was frustrated about the people at work. Some of the employees it seems are behaving badly towards everyone including her, over little mishaps and a new boss is due to come in soon. She said all the stress at work is not worth the $200 a month she makes for weekend-only hours while she is in college. She has held a full time job since she was 16 (now 26) and has been with Chili’s for 3+ years. She cut to part-time this past October. She now says she wants to quit outright! I told her that I am sorry she is having a tough time of it at work and I can understand why she feels irritated. She responded with, “Well, if you want to, you and daddy can help out by giving me the $200 a month I make presently at Chili’s. until next January when I can apply for PT CNA work while I’m in Nursing School so I don’t have to work until then.” “Oh, so that is why you called?” I said to her. I knew she wanted something. She replied, “Well, you don’t have to but it certainly would help. Daniel (the boyfriend) is paying for everything else and this way I can concentrate more on school and won’t have to hassle with the stress at work." Presently she is on the Dean's List. I told her that I would discuss it with her dad but won’t promise anything. I also told her that if her dad agreed to do it, the family vacation in August (something DH and she cooked up within the last month) would be off. She than says, “Well we could still go for a weekend trip in August than next summer we could go on a bigger vacation as a graduation gift (for her of course). I mean after all Mom, $200 a month isn’t a big deal. It’s just my monthly cell and gym bill and some gas that you would be paying for." I replied, “WOW, so you want your dad and I to give you $200 a month for a year so you don’t have to work at all while in college, take you, Daniel and our grandson on a weekend getaway this summer as well as a take all of you on a LARGER vacation next year?” Believe me when I say, all I heard from her was… SHE WANTS! And there is nothing new about that. So I said, “hummm, where does this leave you and me?” “What do you mean?” she asked. To which I said, “Sweetheart, I have to be honest and say I, for one am not agreeable to your requests with things the way they presently stand between you and me. That would just be foolish! I am not sure about your dad but the way I see it is you would be getting all the perks in this deal as usual while I, your mom continues to be disrespected and treated badly by you. Not a fair arrangement if you ask me. It's just history repeating itself.

*End of Miss Nice!

She became quite upset and said that she and I were talking all nice and having a good conversation until I had to go and spoil it by bringing up our relationship. She said she has no plans to change anything between her and I. That I need to understand that this is the way it is and there is no point in going over anything. Everything that happens between her and I is my fault, not hers and I must come to understand that. She doesn’t need to do anything different with me from what she is doing now. She has her opinion of me and I am not someone she cares for. She is who she is and her feelings towards me are not about to change. She then hung up.

Well … that is the calmer version of the conversation, omitting of course the many insults and nasty names flung head on in my direction. She added that she knows now I won’t help her out so she guesses “she will just have to continue to work on the weekends because I will refuse to support her. She also doesn’t expect me to truly understand how hard she has it since I don’t have a “real life” of my own anyway. It’s funny how this all becomes my fault yet again and how only she has a life therefore what would I know of stress and hardship. emoticon I fully expect at this point for her to cancel the plans this week that DH and I have with our grandson, a sleepover at our place Tuesday, and The Health Adventure and dinner on Wednesday. After all it is what she does best. I guess we will see come Tuesday.

For now I'll try to get some sleep. It's only 4 am after all! emoticon
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Member Comments About This Blog Post
    Some real good advice here. My relationship with one of our 5 sons is rocky and I have taken the position that it is up to him to decide how he wants to progress. I cant afford the angst that comes with worry.
    1951 days ago
    She is 26 - more than time to grow up. She needs to live within her means and not look for a bail-out by guilt tripping her parents. What she needs the money for is laughable.
    She should realize that her past behavior has done nothing to show she is deserving of financial help from her parents. You reap what you sow.
    If your husband wants to cave and give her money, it's like giving a biscuit to a dog that just bit you. Talk about reinforcing bad behavior!
    1958 days ago
  • RURAL3
    I am proud of you for expressing your opinion. I am sure that if you decided to support her she would again go back to treating you badly. She was just so nice when she wanted something. When questioned she had no intention at all of being changed for any length of time except to get what she wanted.
    She needs to learn to grow up. She is now getting some of that not so nice treatment at work. Hmmmm similar to how she treats you???? Probably much nicer though. She is an adult and she needs to start acting like one. Responsibility is part of the plan. I guess Dan didn't want to support her fully either. Many hugs to you Sallie. You sure need them. I think your tank is empty. You are loved.
    1958 days ago
    I agree with some of the others--leave her alone and let her keep working. I know that will probably mean less time with the little guy but maybe it would wake her up. I do know that when we closed the pocketbook toward our older daughter, her attitude did change. Also, younger dd did the same thing--only when she needed us to keep her girls were they allowed to come. I finally told her "NO" a couple of times when it was just what she wanted and not us, that her attitude really changed and she would let the girls come when we asked for them. They did live 4 hrs away and we had to go get them or meet them more than half-way but we did get them.
    1958 days ago
    I have a feeling that what she wants and what she gets are two different things. I'd say thats just the way the cookie crumbles at this time and have fun with it now, Then the ball is in her court. Children who have had everything they want are hard to get to grow up.

    emoticon emoticon
    1958 days ago
    1958 days ago
  • LLAY10
    I can't even imagine the pain this situation with your daughter must cause you. If it was me I would have to lovingly tell her she's on her own. Gym memberships and cell phones are not a life necessity. She can get herself a phone for emergencies (Obama phone) and walk around the neighborhood for exercise. Or if she chooses to hang on to those things then allow her to keep working. She's obviously using emotional manipulation to get what she wants. I'm so sorry this is happening.
    1959 days ago
    Oh how my heart goes out to you, if I could I reach in their and give you a hug. You surely deserve that if not more. I'm with these guys. If she were my daughter I'd simply say welcome to the real world of being an adult. Once our children reach adult age, we no longer 'owe' them anything. That is what their upbringing should have accomplished. Young adults that no the difference between getting everything handed to them and being responsible enough to earn it themselves. It does sound like she's grasping at straws and that she has after all been working since she was 16, but why do you need to give her $200? Sounds like there has to be other jobs. Why doesn't she say something to management about the way she/co-workers are being treated? That would be the adult thing to do.

    Whatever you and your husband decide remember you mean something in this equation too. Have you tried counseling for the two of you to work out these differences?

    I wish you the best of luck...
    1959 days ago
    If she was my daughter I would just let her work and see how it feels to be in the real world. In the real world people work for what they want and are grateful to people who help them out. I don't know what made your daughter feel the way she does but knowing you I believe these are her issues and not yours. You have gone to great lengths to accomodate your daughter without much movement on her part. I have to agree with Teresa262 but working on your relationship only works if both of you are willing participants and it looks like your daughter is not willing to participate. SOmeday she may wake up and realize what a wonderful mother she has in you. In the meantime work at not letting her get to you. Words hurt but they are only words. Realize that it is her problem and not yours. I think you handled the situation correctly. Your daughter needs to grow up and learn to be grateful to people who help her and not be disrespectful or hurting. A vicious cycle I am sure but you can protect yourself by not allowing her to disrespect you. My friend had much the same problem with her daughter, her only child and much the same age as your daughter. Her daughter was living at home while unemployed and was verbally abusive to my friend who finally told her to get out and find someplace else to live. My friend packed up her daughter's clothes and her daughter left for a few days but came back because she ran out of friends who would let her stay without paying. WHile their relationship is still rocky, her daughter is complying with the rule of "as long as you live in my house, you will be respectful of all who live here." That may not work in your situation since your daughter does not live with you. I can't really tell you how to handle the situation with your daughter. Only you can figure that out. ANd it is a shame that she holds your grandson as a hostage in this mother daughter relationship. But from what you wrote in your blog, I think you right in telling her what you did. Your daughter really needs to learn what a wonderful mother she has in you.

    emoticon and lots and lots of them!!
    1959 days ago
    Oh, the stress never ends, for you in this relationship. And it sure can't be helping your quest to sleep better, eat healthier and live happily and healthier.

    I hope she will let your grandson come over this week as planned. He is the innocent one ...who is learning how to act towards his Mom tomorrow, by watching her interactions with her Parents today emoticon .

    Wish you Peace!

    1959 days ago
  • TERESA6262
    Maybe she doesn't REALLY need that $200? Seriously? Maybe she should give up the cell phone and the gym? Maybe getting rid of all that terrible stress will be worth having no cell or gym membership? I'm thinking she has a lot of "guts" to call and ask you to relieve her of earning and paying her own way. If she wants those luxuries enough, she'll work to earn them. I am not against helping one's child.... but sometimes, helping them too much HURTS them in the long run. Nobody gets "something for nothing" in this old world. There's obviously more going on in your relationship than support of $200 per month. A mother daughter relationship is SO worth working out. I hope you two are able to do that. It the mean times...HUGS to you.

    1959 days ago
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