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A tough week, I am in a tough spot!

Saturday, February 09, 2013

I have been seeing an URO/GYN doctor and she tried to do an endometrial biopsy but could not do it because of the position of my uterus. So she ordered an ultrasound which came back abnormal. Now they have to do a D&C and scrape everything out and test it for cancer cells. I am more afraid of the test than the big C word.

So I called up my counselor today and went to see her. I sure thought I had healed most of my childhood but it keeps creeping up. I know this sounds dumb but I had such severe brainwashing as a child, I honestly was petrified that when they looked inside my body (uterus) that they would see all the bad stuff I did (forced to do)

They made me believe that I had spiders, snakes, bugs and everything else inside my tummy. A little girl would believe this but not the adult me. I was so petrified that they would look inside me and see just how filthy and dirty I was, my secrets would be revealed. The weight won't hide my dirt anymore. They will see it ALL!!

So my therapist and I came up with this plan that when they scrape all the stuff out of my uterus, that they would be taking all the bad stuff too. All the lies, hurt, abuse, shame, guilt and all the pain. A new beginning for me. A cleansing of sorts. I WILL BE FREE!!

I no longer need to hide with my weight, hide behind the lies and shame and FEAR they instilled in me. THAT IS NOT THE REAL ME!!!!

I AM BEAUTIFUL, CLEAN, INNOCENT, PURE, LOVING, KIND, DID I SAY CLEAN!!!! YES, MAMA, I AM CLEAN INSIDE AND OUT, Or will be after the surgery. This is what I will center on instead of the fears they instilled in my heart.


Bless you Mama and Daddy, rest in peace, you have to live with what you did to me.

Thank you everyone, these are HUGE deep seated fears and shame inside. I know they are not there (spiders, snakes, bugs, people etc) but the little girl inside me is petrified they will see all the secrets of the cult. I know this needs to be done. I know it is a quick procedure for most but THIS IS ME! These are my secrets and my darkness inside me. I am not scared for the actual procedure, I am FROZEN and PETRIFIED that they will find out about all the secrets of the cult, all the secrets that was "DONE" to me that was drilled into my head "I DID".

This is a cleansing that I must have done. I am crying as I write this. I know it is not real (the lies) but have been told for the first 18 years of my life that I was dirty, filthy and deserved EVERYTHING I got/did.

I AM NOT CRAZY, I know it is impossible to see my past inside me accept maybe scars. But my past brainwashing is roared its head and the fear and shame of it all is eating me up. I have tried to hide this from everyone for the past 55 years. maybe mostly from me. Now I have to face it. My parents told me that if people found out what I did (FORCED TO DO) that nobody would want to be around me. They would lock me up or worse kill me. So embedded in my whole body.

I know they are all lies but you tell a little 3 or 4 year old that it is a lie from the parents you think are God. 18 years and even on into my adult hood they controlled me. They have been dead for over 20 years and still control me in fear.

I think this is what is blocking me from writing my book, that the fear of everybody hating me and getting locked up.

Maybe this is a hatred for my own self that is sticking it's head out. Not sure. I know no matter what it is, I will be ok, and I will survive it and I will heal from it.
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Member Comments About This Blog Post
    You are strong and did no wrong. Don't be afraid of the C word. The D&C will clean out EVERYTHING you are holding in. You need to remove the fear from you.
    You are a beautiful, wonderful person REMEMBER THIS!!!

    I am PROUD to be your friend. HUGS AND MORE! Take care, love, light, peace Joanie
    1926 days ago
    Wishing you the best outcomes.
    1926 days ago
  • GOATS03
    {{{{{HUGS}}}}}} with lots of love. I'm with you in spirit..sending you positive healing energy. I know that I told you many times before how special you are and I truly feel, believe and positive that you are a very special, loving, caring person.

    May God give you strength, courage, hope and faith to follow your path towards your growth in healing the past.

    I love you my friend!
    1927 days ago
    Dear Dear Jetta .. my heart aches for you .. I don't know you well or for very long but I do know that your forgiving your parents .. not forgetting .. forgiving is the first step to healing .. the D&C just may be the physical cleaning that your soul needs for this lifetime .. Embrace the test for what it is .. and let go .. I have no idea what you have been through but I promise you I would do what ever it took to prevent such treatment of my own children or grandbabies ... and I certainly would have been there to protect you as well .. let it go dear friend .. let it go .. you are who you are because of the tests and trials you have been through .. get the lessons and move on .. Oh how I love you and so do your Mother and Father in Heave .. Mother and Father God .. sent with love Donna
    1927 days ago
    Thinking of you and knowing you are loved and clean...right a child of God.
    No form of evil can change that.
    1927 days ago
    Hi Jetta, I don't know you personally just from the spiritual awakening team but I think you are a kind, honest, loving woman. No one would ever think anything less of you. I know everything will go well for you. emoticon
    1927 days ago
  • HORSEY177
    Dear, Sweet Jetta....let your alter ego hold your inner child in her arms for she is the strong one who can protect her from all harm. Your child is no longer alone or afraid, she is comforted and loved and, most of all...she is needed. Your strong alter ego has all the strength, but needs the joy and innocence your little girl has in abundance to be complete. Together they will hold hands and rise above the dirt until the miracle cleaners have it all swept away.
    This operation is done every day in the hospital, but yours will be so magnificent and free you from all your demons. All the evil deeds will be scraped away until none remain and you will heal fresh and pink and clean! It will be like you are giving birth to a new inner with pink ribbons in her long blonde hair and a glorious smile on her pretty face. She is smiling now in excitement, waiting patiently for the procedure that will free her from the prison she has endured for so long. We are with you, my friend, and so is the Maker of all living things and you are loved!
    1927 days ago
  • KUTEY5041
    Jetta, I know that you know logically that no one would think you were bad or anything bad of you for what was done to you, but that little girl is always going to be there and is always going to think what she was told at such a young age. I wish there was something I could say or do to make it all go away. I did not know your parents and I know that there is love for them in you no matter what, but being a parent myself, I cannot even fathom the idea of treating my kid the way you (and I think your siblings?) were treated. I wish I had words to make things better, but I can only say that I know you can read my mind as to what I feel and what I want to tell you that I cannot put into words. I do know that if I ever need someone with strength to get me through any issues I ever have, you will be the first one I would go to. Once again, remember that I will be right there with you in spirit holding your hand telling you all is great and if you needed me there in person, no matter what, I would find a way to be there with you
    1928 days ago
    If I could I would offer comfort to your little girl inside, assure her that she is safe, that she is beautiful and she is not who they told her that she was. She deserves freedom, respect, love and care. You are truly doing all that for her, your beautiful spirits comes through your blog, your comforting soul is enveloping your child, your little girl. Healing energy surrounds you, your little girl and guides those who are doing the procedure. How wonderful and freeing it will all be when the procedure is complete, you will free from the inside out and ready to take on the future with strength and focus. emoticon
    1928 days ago
    I've had a D & C and it isn't bad at all. It sounds like you've come up with a good plan with your therapist.
    1928 days ago
    emoticon emoticon emoticon

    What about alternative treatments? Louise Hay is an author who experienced the same issues. She has a book called Heal your Body that might have some good insight.
    1928 days ago
    You are clean. Wishing you the best. Glad you and your counselor have managed to find a helpful path and plan. CJ
    1928 days ago
    The procedure is necessary and relatively quick. Keep your mantra in your heart. Praying this is your answer to leaving that part of your childhood behind you. As far as the C word - it is not as scary as it used to be - early detection - quick cure.
    1928 days ago
    All will be fine. Routine procedure. There is a purpose for everything. You are in my thoughts and prayers.
    1929 days ago
    Best of luck! I know everything will be better now. emoticon
    1929 days ago
    it will be fine. just do everything that needs be done. you are clean now , don't forget that.
    1929 days ago
  • KUTEY5041
    Jetta, keep saying that over and over and over and over in your head Make sure when they do the D&C that you keep repeating it the entire time. It sounds to me like something really great can come out of this for you if you keep that attitude and know they are getting everything "bad" that your parents told you was there when you were so young. Let me know when you are going to have it done, and I promise to you that I will be right there holding your hand in spirit and saying those words along with you emoticon
    1929 days ago
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