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A few little lesson reminder notes for myself

Friday, February 08, 2013

1. There is a link between fear and anger, and fear and tears. I learned this in my years married to my son's father. He was an exploder. Seemed calm most of the time, but would suddenly (and I never seemed to be able to predict when) "blow up" with shouting, that eventually led to throwing things, and in the final episode of our marriage... well, we won't go there. I spent years "walking on eggshells" trying to prevent those explosions. Because they scared me.

However, he was smart and articulate guy, despite his problems... and when we were both rational we talked about his response to fear (anger), and mine (tears). Didn't solve the long term problem, which is one of the reasons we are ex-es... but it did offer some insight.

I was keeping a part of me as the "compassionate observer" this week, I began to realize that my anger was indeed linked to inner fears. As I took steps to handle the things I was afraid of, the anger level lessened. As I accepted the things I had no control over, was honest about the mistakes on my part but did not leave out that others made mistakes as well (assertive, not taking it all on myself)... the anger level lessened. As I communicated about the issues involved, and people stepped up... the anger level lessened.

In the end... things that need to get done are being done. So anger was a spur to action, and as uncomfortable as it was (STILL don't like feeling that way)... it is an emotion, and emotions are not permanent states if you don't feed them. Logic is a fine tool. Its regular use is recommended.

2. I know from experience that I can eat to soothe myself. Eating may numb the feelings for a while, but in the end, whether I eat or not, if I do the things I need to do to handle the root cause of the uncomfy emotion... it will dissipate, and things will get better.

I feel much better about myself if I have managed to NOT cave. Although I have also learned to cut myself a break if I do slip-slide... just remember to learn from it.

3. Writing about what I'm going through is an alternative to eating the emotions. I thank those who hung in with reading about it and offering supportive words! Kinda feels like I'm a bit narcissistic, but y'all know I write these as my personal pep talks, right?

If it turns out they are useful for someone else? That's an incredible bonus.


That said, it's FRIDAY! I'm feeling good about surviving this particular week. And I'm looking forward to the weekend, and saying "it was tough, but it was WORTH it!"

Because life is GOOD. Spark on! emoticon emoticon
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Member Comments About This Blog Post
  • KANOE10
    Good blog. Great comment on not eating your emotions. Writing is a good way to express your emotions. Hope you have a good weekend.

    1902 days ago
    "...emotions are not permanent states if you don't feed them."

    I don't remember what your profession is, hon (something to do with computers?), but if you don't do some kind of counseling, you missed your calling.

    You really are a gem, Barb. So much of what you say (write) works as pep talks for us too...
    1902 days ago
    You husband reminds me of an uncle (married my dads sister) who would go off for no reason. As little kids my sisters and I had no idea why occasionally we would never see them for a while. He would get upset with relatives and not speak or visit for months. Then show up as if nothing had happened. And no one would know what had happened to upset him. Didn't find this out until years later from my parents how much they walked on eggshells around him.
    I think they put up with a lot from him because to us girls, he was our favorite uncle. What I feel bad about looking back and knowing what I do now, is what things were like for my aunt when he was in one of those moods.
    1902 days ago
    You're right! You ARE worth it. Glad our paths have crossed.
    1902 days ago
  • ANDI571
    I'm so glad you share your story. Even though we have totally different stories with different circumstances, there are times when I see myself. You let us know it's all right to have a past and that one can move forward. That's the thing about Spark that I like. We are different, but alike in so many ways. Keep up the good work Barb!
    1902 days ago
    Another great and insightful blog. A blog that makes everyone stop and think about what their stressors are and how maybe to resolve them. Thank you so much for being able to blog your feelings and how you worked through the issues, so that we may learn from you.
    I hope you have a wonderful weekend. emoticon emoticon emoticon emoticon
    1902 days ago

    Comment edited on: 2/8/2013 4:56:38 PM
  • DALID414
    Not eating your emotions is definitely easier said than done. Which is what makes us tough emoticon s!
    1902 days ago
  • GABY1948
    Good blog, Barb. I like that you can be honest with us but more with yourself. Have a great weekend!
    1902 days ago
    "Eating the emotions" That's a phrase I'm going to remember.
    Take care of yourself.
    1902 days ago
    very interesting. I am so glad that for the most part I have finally stopped th emotional eating. My new way of living is to "diet" everyday so that went we do go out I can splurge. It is working for me.
    Have a terrific week end.
    1902 days ago
    emoticon emoticon
    1902 days ago
    Great (and helpful) insights...will keep this in mind as I wander through the eggshells life drops along the way. Hugs {{{ }}}
    1902 days ago
    Good insights...Enjoy your weekend!
    1902 days ago
    Dealing with the root causes of any emotion like fear and anger requires such vulnerability, and that's not easy! BUT you've learned how to do that. It is a constant process throughout life it seems.

    HUGS and proud of you that you put yourself first to take care of YOUR needs. It's not easy walking on eggshells. Emotionally and physically exhausting!!

    1902 days ago
    Here's to the bonus! Glad you've worked through this one and are better prepared for the next.
    You continue to rock my friend.
    1902 days ago
    What great insight...thank you!
    1902 days ago
    Oh Barb--I can't imagine living with a guy like that--You are a true survivor!---Lynda emoticon
    1902 days ago
    I can imagine it would be a hard feeling for you to have given your past history. Does your ex have bi polar disorder? That is a tough one to manage.

    Writing is a great tool to use and you do it well. I am happy for you digging in and figuring it out.
    1902 days ago
  • _LINDA
    I can't imagine having to live a life with someone 'walking on eggshells' :(( So very sorry you experienced it :(( That is every bit like being abused even if you were not actually physically harmed (unless the thrown objects were at you :(() :( So I can understand why you would turn to emotional eating. When bad things happen to you at work, in life, you internalize the injustices and drown your sorrow in food. Becoming a meek mouse that everyone could take advantage of, knowing there would be no reprecussions. Being angry and standing up for your rights is not wrong. Talking it out to the involved parties is a normal response and necessary. They need to know you are not a doormat. You are a valuable asset to your company or you wouldn't be employed. You deserve to be treated with respect and dignity. I was sorry to hear this incident happened to you, but so very glad you stood up and responded.
    You are a valuable person, sharing life lessons with us and your innermost thoughts as you try to work through life's problems.
    Thank you for sharing them with us and giving us a chance to learn from them.
    1902 days ago
    Good insights.

    Happy Friday!
    1902 days ago
  • MJRVIC2000
    The Bible teaches us to practice "self-control". It's one of the keys to a peaceful and loving life. Be A Power Of One With Jesus! God Bless YOU! Vic.
    1903 days ago
    You always put a positive spin on the negative
    and make it work to your advantage. Thanks for
    giving me another reason to analyze what is
    off-kilter in my life and get back into balance.
    You are a very wise woman! HUGS!
    1903 days ago
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