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Forgive & future blogs

Thursday, February 07, 2013

LONG... settle in or skip lol

Challenge 1: Write a blog on the theme: Can I forgive myself for the past? How will it affect my successful journey to better health?

After watching 4/5 seasons of Biggest loser, I truly think that forgiving yourself is a very important part of the process. Having adopted the true art of forgiveness a few years back, I know it has done wonders to rid me of demons following me around. UNfortunately, most of those demons were not related to me and why I over eat, they were all about people who had betrayed me.

and, perhaps that is another reason for overeating.

What I truly need to get down here though is a revelation I had about a week ago and have not had time, nor made time, to write. I am sure I wasn't positive I wanted to share it but then this challenge came and here I am still putting it off until the last minute.. ok HERE WE GO..

Last week, I happened to mention an old boyfriend to a co-worker and told her :our: story. I googled him and got a couple pictures and that was that. THe old emotions came up, the feelings of love I had for him. the story goes...

We met on a weekend the first 2 months of college, spent every minute we were not in classes together. We spoke "op" language with each other like it was our native American language. We were in love, no doubt in my mind. It was going to last forever. Then Christmas holidays came. We had made a date to go to the movies on new years, living about an hour apart -1000 miles in 1972-3). He called and cancelled.

We get back to school, I am so excited to see him, give him my bear for him. He calls and says he has some wine, let's get together. welllll.. the get together started out just fine, his room mate was gone, we talked, had some wine and about the time the second bottle was opened, he broke the news. he was breaking up with me. why? because his older brother told him he had no business being so serious about a girl so early in his college life. what? really? you are dumping me? yup, he was, this girl was just not Jewish enough for big brother- probably because I was not..a reason I got out of him after I refused to accept his lame freshman excuse.

the rest of our history goes, we did not talk for a while and then finally I talked to him and we were friends the rest of the year and could talk civilly but I knew the next year would be different. and it was. the first day back, he came looking for me and asked if I got his letter? nope what was in it? well he couldn't tell me but was sad I had not gotten it. and this is how the 2nd year went. then we had many of the same friends so ran together a bit but at a distance.

Over the next 20 years I would keep having him turn up in my life here and there. We would have lunch, coffee, he actually kept this bear I brought him that first year, it was in like new shape even 20 years later. He apologized once for the way he broke up with me but NEVER accepted responsibility for it nor asked me out on a date again. Until he did, not for me again!

when I was 42 or so I was dating my high school boyfriend that I had broken up with who ended up breaking it off with me this time (my sister is married to his cousin = a long story in it self). My college love called me and told me he was getting married. I was so happy to say "well I am engaged too!" And then he drops the other bomb, she is not Jewish and she has a child.

Why did he have to call? Did he really think I was going to beg him not to marry her? he had no right to expect that. It was his job to tell me HE still loved me if he did and ask me to forgive him, beg me to take him back. and now he tell s me this? ho hum, me getting married too , have a nice life, click."

End of tale to co=worker.

I have on off site meeting, gather my stuff and off to the car I go. Well, I happened to have the Carole King Tapestry album in my car, and the songs along with all my thoughts of my college love started the thoughts churning.
Why I could not be happy with another man all those years. why I let myself be treated like crap by men, because I didn't care about me any more.

WHAT? what was that crazy thought that just went through my head? YOu ran from one man to another to another and collected them like dead deer on a wall because you were still in love with that college boy? but wait, you loved four other men after that, maybe they weren't truly available to love (except my beloved hubby) but... you did love them. or did you? and what does this have to do with the shape of my waist line? well there you go, 30 years of repression spilled all over the floor then I got to my meeting destination and had to turn it all off.

I was weeping for myself on the drive. I basically allowed my subconscious mind rule the way I lived because I lost the love of my life at the age of 18! I have not totally wrapped my mind around all the events and how much I have forgive myself for yet but I do KNOW I have to.

whew? It is exhausting for me to even put 10% of the thoughts here .. my mind is reeling at how much this one event really did affect my life. dating without reason, eating, gaining, not trusting, not caring, berating myself, deciding to never have children cause I was just too old, deciding at 45 I would just never marry. just a few things to forgive me for. So this is the start of forgiving me.

(and for my SP friends who "love" them.. sounds like I will need at least ONE journal for all the thought I have to process!!) I do have faith that I can, and this may help me learn to love me again....

second challenge blog: How will I feel when I reach my goal weight?

this sums it up and here is a link to a blog I wrote a week ago to my future self at goal weight..

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