15,000-19,999 SparkPoints 17,016

Disappointed and Afraid

Thursday, February 07, 2013

I'm having a hell of a time getting out of bed to exercise. Does it feel good after i've done it and am up and ready to face the very long day when I do? Yes. Do I feel less guilt and pressure because I've already worked out and have the OPTION to do more after work if I miraculously have time? Yes. Shouldn't that be enough to get me out of bed when I'm cold, exhausted and not feeling top notch? Apparently not.

I don't want to finish another year being fat. I know I'm wasting time and screwing myself out of happiness by making these choices. But quite frankly, I'm exhausted and haven't been in a very good mood lately and not feeling all that well (TOM is creeping up and making me feel icky.) Couple that with my baffling inability to lose an ounce and my failure at stying in my calorie range because I can't seem to make the right decisions at the end of the day to save my life and voila, more failure.

I'm confused as to why, even when I eat healthy and workout the way I should for the length of time I should, I don't see any changes, or worse I see a gain, but when I eat like crap and don't exercise for a weekend, I lose. I'm tryin to learn about how muscles and weight loss works and I know a lot of the gain is probably water and I may be building muscle faster than losing fat but it's still discouraging.

And in all of this, I know what I need to do. I need to eat no less and no more than 1,400 calories since that seems to be my sweet spot (at least in the past) and I need to get my butt out of bed in the morning to guarantee at least one 300 calorie workout and try to fit in another 200 calorie workout later in the day (because my body only seems to respond to 500 calorie workouts) and just buckle down and do it.

I know all of these things and I also know that I am not comfortable in my own skin, I cringe when my boyfriend touches my gross stomach and thighs and I KNOW I don't want to feel like this anymore. I want to not be ashamed and feel fat and ugly. I know I need to do all of the above to change that. It's just so damn hard when you doubt yourself after years of failure, you doubt the science of weight loss because it seems to be very flawed and you doubt your body's ability to get with the program because it fights you every single step of the way and makes you feel icky the whole time.

But I will keep going. I can't stop this time. Even if I fall flat on my face, as I have done several times this last month, I have to keep trying. I have to succeed. I can't fail myself again.
Share This Post With Others
Member Comments About This Blog Post
    Dearest Mandie,

    If I may share you seem to be very hard on yourself. From an outside point of view I see a very beautiful girl locked into her own negative thinking and sabotaging herself due to reasons not even related to her body image.

    I can already see how successful you have been on the ticker and no where do I hear you applauding yourself for that. Yes you went up and down but I do not see that as a failure over the years. You keep on trying no one is perfect and maybe it is not the weight that needs to be healed.

    I agree there comes a time in life when we want to get off the roller coaster of weight issues, You maybe did not address one area that keeps on causing you setbacks. You may be emotionally sabotaging yourself . While you are young you might want to think about address and heal those emotional issues before they and lifes difficult challenges put youin a position to use food to comfort yourself up to a number that will really depress you. Why not reach out for help to a buddy, therapist, best friend who loves you in a way they want the best for you right now before it gets even worse?

    Sometimes we need a support team to help us get out of our own way. Somewhere you might have picked up the message from someone or something you are not worthy and success is not yours to have......that needs to be addressed. Yes exercise and correct portions do wonders on the scale and really help weight loss but we sometimes need to take the WEIGHT OF THE WORLD OFF between our ears.

    Take it from someone who had a rough life and did not address her emotional issues to heal and took care of everyone else when life got tougher I went to a place using food that is wrecking havoc with my health and life dreams. I care enough to not see you go there. I think you are a beautiful person (from visiting your site) who maybe needs more support than you have allowed yourself.. One should not be ashamed to say they need help since some issues are difficult to heal alone. I think you being on this site is a true testimony that you want to heal you mind, body and spirit and you should really congratulate yourself for the effort, the perserverance and the courage to do that. You truly are on your way to self love in the healthiest form. Keep a journal and get in touch with your inner self to learn how to love yourself even better.

    Sometimes we just need an adjustment in our self talk shifting it to more positive instead of negative. Seeing the glass half full instead of half empty. Remember yesterday is gone, tomorrow is not promised so all you have is today. Take each day as a gift and spend it the best you can with as much joy as you can.

    Oprah suggested keeping a gratitude list each day. Say prayers and ask for protection and guidance from your higher power or angels.
    I know for me it has been wonderful to do both of these things.

    Anyway applaud yourself for not being a quitter and for the fact you keep on trying. Just look at the fact that maybe it is something emotionally about the way you think about yourself and your body image that might be sabotaging your success. Sometimes we also pick mates, friends that reinforce these negative beliefs.

    Well my dear spark friend these are just some ideas. Remember there are spark coaches, life coaches, therapists that sometimes help us see what you don't to help you get out of the place that is stopping you from being all your can be. Give it a thought and most important a try. A happy life is worth fighting for don't give up.

    Also, could not help thinking about when I was younger and how I felt the same as you regarding your love touching you. Again I ask you to think about the fact that you are not just a body and hopefully you are in a relationship that is so much more than that.

    If not, don't you deserve more than that. Love yourself and know who you are on the inside as well as the outside and your new confidence will not only bring you peace and happiness but you will exude a sexiness and persona that attracts only good to you since you will not accept less. No one is perfect. Surround yourself with people that love and respect you for the wonderful person you are.

    Keep in touch I just know you are going to make goal and also work to put your life on track to a place where you are loving and taking care of you more not only physically but emotionally and spiritually. I have faith in you just from the little I read on your site.

    Love and Healing Light to you
    Yvonne emoticon emoticon emoticon
    1964 days ago

    Comment edited on: 2/7/2013 11:20:21 AM
    i would reccomend tracking your sodium inake and change up your workouts try cross fit or boxing great fun exercises
    1964 days ago
  • Add Your Comment to the Blog Post

    Log in to post a comment

    Disclaimer: Weight loss results will vary from person to person. No individual result should be seen as a typical result of following the SparkPeople program.

More Blogs by MANDIE517