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Time to come crawling home...

Wednesday, February 06, 2013

First and foremost... in the event someone doesn't read past the first paragraph, I want to use that first paragraph to say thank you to my wonderful Sparker friends. Those of you who have sent messages, Goodies and left comments on my blog and page... you can't imagine how much that meant to me. I felt like I was so far off track I would never find my way back... yet I had all of you popping up to remind me I wasn't so far away after all. So... thank you.


I titled this blog "Time to come crawling home" instead of "Time to come crawling back" because "home" just felt right. I know, melodrama melodrama. But honestly, coming back here to post and be back among this wonderful group of Sparkers just felt... right. It felt like what I should do. Just don't ask why it has taken weeks to do it.

So, for the 'fess up. I don't even know where to start 'fessin. I got hit with the Perfect Storm of... well, excuses I guess. There was the problem with my foot, which waylaid me off exercise, for the most part. And then there was the snafu with my medication, which waylaid me off absolutely everything else. I have eaten everything that sounded good, and sometimes things that didn't sound good.

I haven't even done the most basic {and important!} task of caring for my health. I haven't kept my blood sugars under control. And when I say "I haven't kept my blood sugars under control", what I mean is "my blood sugars have been soaring wild and free". Every night I lecture myself that I have to get up and start taking care of my sugars tomorrow... and every morning I say "Eh, I'll check it at lunch", and the next thing I know I'm checking it before bed and it's stupid high. Then I take a mega dose of insulin, go to bed, and repeat the same process the next day.

I know that to anyone who has never been on psychological medications, and to many that have, saying that my medication getting out of my system doesn't seem like that big of a deal. And to be honest, I didn't think it would be. I'm on several medications, and I figured... eh, some of the others will pick up the slack for this one for a while, no need to worry. And then it was like running head on into a brick wall. I slumped down on the floor in a pile and stayed there. All I wanted to do was eat, sleep and hang out with dh. So that's what I did. If he was asleep, I slept. If he was at work, I slept. When he was home, I hung out with him. And at every opportunity, I ate. Day after day, this was my routine. I was sleeping twice as much as I needed, and eating 3 times as much. I got my med back a couple weeks ago and assumed that within a week I'd be good as new. It would appear I was wrong. I'm still not feeling like myself. I'm still sleeping too much and eating too much and not moving anymore than absolutely necessary.

But... I'm back here tonight because I realize I HAVE to get a handle on this. It's possible that my medication just isn't back in my system well enough yet.. and it's possible that this medication may just not work for me anymore. Either way, it could be days, weeks or even months before I figure out the problem and get straightened out. I can't afford to sit around and wait to feel like rainbows and sunshine before I stop eating and start moving. I was coddling myself, babying myself, and saying I deserved to wallow until my medications made me feel better. Well, I've coddled and babied, and all I have accomplished is feeling physically bad in addition to mentally and emotionally bad.

I finally received the new shoes I bought to walk in. I was waiting for those so The Buddy and I could head back to the park. So tomorrow is gonna be my first day getting back out there. I'm really looking forward to seeing The Buddy and find out how she has been for these past few weeks. Not to mention the fresh air and natural light.

In addition, I'm going to make the vow to eat better tomorrow. I don't expect I will be perfect, and I'm not trying to be. Just... better. For one, I'm going to make something to eat instead of eating fast food. It won't be spa cuisine, but it will sure be healthier than McDs. Dh will be happy to get some food from here, too. Even if it's Helper... which is probably what it will be. After a solid week of crap, Helper actually sounds pretty good.

The highlight of the last couple weeks is discovering Gold Peak Diet Tea. That stuff is like sugary, delicious, crack. And when I'm drinking something yummy, I'm not obsessing about eating something yummy. Win-win!

Anyway... I'm going to spend the rest of the night trying to mentally prepare myself for tomorrow. I've fallen back into all my old habits and it's gonna be a task to get going on the right track again. But I can do it, I know I can.

I hope everyone has had a good week!

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Member Comments About This Blog Post
    hi welcome home . we are home and feel free to take off your burdens . free to be you, you emoticon emoticon m emoticon m emoticon emoticon emoticon emoticon are not a a slave to your dinner plate your tummy . you can be free from all the things that we label eat this dont eat that . find the right foods for you . it is different with everyone . what works for me might not work for you . we can build a bridge to tomorrow a thinner you and me. a new day for all .
    1894 days ago
    You can do it!! Back on the good eating bandwagon, regular exercise, regular meds and everything will end in a big payoff - a healthy Cattutt!! Take care of yourself :-)
    1897 days ago
    welcome back and good luck! I know that wallowing pit of despair can be comfy and tempting... hopefully you'll stay here with us and have some fun instead :)
    1897 days ago
    Good luck!
    1897 days ago
    Welcome back! Have fun breaking in the new shoes! emoticon
    1897 days ago
    HORRAY!! I've been gone for a while and as soon as I got back, I was like "WAIT!?! Where is my daily dose of good sense from CATTUTT?" I love that you are honest and tell it like it is, but with humor and a (most of the time) positive attitude. I need to find a way to reboot as well (I say that while I am finishing off my third alcoholic drink of the night and while realizing that I can't possibly track my food intake for the last week since I have no idea what I ate other than it made me feel crappy and gain weight).

    I'm super proud of you for not giving up on yourself, even with all of the insane challenges you are facing. The Buddy, the fresh air, the movement....all of those are going to make your day AWESOME. So do what you can with the food and revel in the successes, however small or large, because you know the fact that you pulled yourself out of despair (even a little, even if only for a moment) means you are stronger than ever before.
    1897 days ago
  • JO88BAKO
    So glad to see you are back with us!! Your tea sounds really good. If you do make Helper tomorrow night, add extra veggies. That will make it taste better, be healthier and lower sodium. Get a great nights sleep!! emoticon
    1897 days ago
  • MARYBETH4884
    The walking will help get your sugars under control, if your sugars are stil wacky after a few days of being more careful call your doc. You don' t want to end up in the ER suddenly! Glad you came back home!
    1897 days ago
  • KA_JUN
    emoticon Time to break in those new shoes, hope things even out for you quickly!
    1897 days ago
    *harsh German accent* Did somevun call for a spankink?!

    Just kidding.

    Everyone falls sometimes. You weren't gone all that long, so you can get back into the swing of things. I know it's difficult to remind yourself that exercise can even out your mood, but try. Write yourself notes and leave them all over the house if you have to.

    emoticon Things will get better, just don't give up.
    1897 days ago
    Don't beat yourself up.... just get the heck up check that blood sugar then dust off and get back on track NOW!!
    1897 days ago
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